


Fully Taken

by VanishedElf



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, ereri, riren - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-06-10 12:17:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 46,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6956173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanishedElf/pseuds/VanishedElf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate universe LevixEren. Levi is a broke artist who is completely jaded about most things, love included. He hits up a party with Hange one night, hoping to get hammered and numb himself completely, but instead, he stumbles across a certain nineteen-year-old rocker boy who makes him feel things; things he hasn't felt in years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter of what I intend to be a longer story. I just wanted to say that a lot of the side characters included (Erwin, Hange, etc) may be described in a somewhat bitchy way, but this is only because they are being viewed from Levi's bitchy perspective. I love those characters and hope to see them become more complex in later chapters. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy, and feel free to comment! I'll respond to everything.

Levi knelt in the grass, the sodden ground quickly soaking through his tight black pants. The sky hung overhead like gauze, too heavy for even thunder. Dense, misty rain fell all around him, enveloped him, swallowed him—almost obscured the bitter tears that ran down from the corners of his eyes and off the tip of his perfect nose. What the fuck was this?

What the hell had happened to him?

More like...

What the hell had _he_ done to him?

***

Stoic, but not quite comfortable; cockiness refined almost to the point of self-confidence, but still cut with too much defensiveness to truly come off that way. This was the way Levi held himself as he waited for the train, clutching his leather jacket to his chest. He cursed himself for having decided to wear it. He'd already sweated into the armpits and would need to have it dry-cleaned.

What, was he supposed to be some bloody prophet? The past week had been nothing but rain; endless, moody, gelid rain, that coated the soles of his boots with mud. Now he could hardly breathe it was so hot out. The air hung heavy like in a tropical greenhouse, but instead of the fragrance of exotic flowers, it was ripe with the fug of the city. A bus moaned as it chugged past the station, leaving a thick trail of exhaust in its wake.

Levi shifted his weight, adjusting the plastic bag that had begun to dig into his forearm with its handles. It was heavy with various sorts of liquor. Apart from his leather jacket, it was probably the most valuable thing on him. He couldn't have cared less about how much cash he'd spent on it. No, the value in the thing was its ability to transport him to other places. Levi already knew he was going to get hammered tonight.

It was just that kind of week. Life as a broke artist wasn't always as easy as it seemed.

Eventually the train arrived and Levi sidled on, doing his best to avoid bumping arms with the other passengers. The windows were open and it still felt like he'd stepped into a sauna—a rank one at that. Didn't the city have the money to air condition these things? What the hell else were they doing with all the money they'd pulled from the arts this year? Levi almost cracked open his gin right then and there. He and his escapism and an ongoing relationship in these sorts of situations.

Somehow he resisted and at last they pulled up to the station where his date was supposed to be waiting. Irritating as it was, he had consented to hitting up a party with her last week. He'd been jaded about relationships for what felt like forever, but hell, she was just quirky enough to warrant a second try. She was some kind of self-taught intellectual who made an actual point of boycotting university; a social libertarian, as it were. They'd already had a couple arguments about it, which was at least better than awkward silences. Meeting her was better than drinking alone. Going to a party was better than heading home and staring at his heap of blank canvases in the dark.

But nobody had to know about that.

He saw her waiting near a line of buses. Levi remarked that she hadn't come on her own. Her brown ponytail swung from side-to-side as she lectured some guy wearing a ball-cap about god-knows-what stance she was currently taking on god-knows-what esoteric theory her favourite video blogger had just released a new rant concerning. Levi swung his leather jacket over his shoulder and did his best to saunter carelessly towards the two of them, wincing at the dampness under his arms. No doubt about it; tomorrow was going to be a cleaning day.

"There you are!" Hange remarked, nodding at Levi with a hyper smile. "I hope you don't mind, but I brought Jean along to keep me company on the way here. Oh. And we also started drinking already. Sorry!"

"It's not a problem," Levi said as nonchalantly as he could, given how irritated he had begun to feel. "Lead the way."

Hange whirled around and took up her conversation with this Jean guy immediately. Levi walked behind the two of them, doing his best to subtly peel the plastic off the top of a two-six of vodka through the bag. It had come with a pair of brand-stamped kitchen tongs—some kind of annoying promotion—and as a result, half of it was encased in stiff plastic wrap. It took him nearly two blocks before the cap was unscrewed, the bottle stealthily raised to his lips, and the fiery liquid doused down his thirsty throat. He closed his eyes and smiled, for real this time.

See, it didn't really bother him that his date had shown up with another guy. When he really thought about it, his level of investment in the situation was extremely low. When he really really thought about it, he was actually relieved to be able to drink in silence, droning out the sound of their voices with the taste of distilled rye. When he really really really thought about it, all he really cared about was that stack of blank canvases waiting for him back at his apartment alongside the unopened paints and the jar of brushes that hadn't been touched in a month. Hange was more of a distraction. A cute distraction, but a distraction nonetheless.

To Levi's, and perhaps Jean's relief, they reached the house party five minutes later. The moment they stepped over the threshold it was as if Hange noticed Levi—like, _really_ noticed him—for the first time since his arrival. She tossed off her shoes and seized his arm, almost dragging him straight into a pillar.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry," she giggled, patting him conciliatorily. "Let me give you a tour."

"Is this even your house?"

"No! I've never been here before!" she cried, grinning at him maniacally. "But there are so many people I want you to meet. People who I think will adore you."

Levi grinned back, with equal if not greater mania. "Nobody is showing me anything until I get a proper cup to drink out of."

"Eeeerrwinnnnnnnnnn!" Hange hollered, waving madly to a blond man playing guitar in the other room. "Get Levi a cup, will you?"

Erwin, if Levi had heard right, put his guitar down with a good-natured sigh and rose to his feet. Levi was appalled to find that Erwin was almost three heads taller than himself. Half the room craned their necks to inspect the source of the kafuffle and Levi relinquished any hope that remained of presenting himself to these people with dignity.

"Just this way," Erwin said lightly. Levi didn't like his tone. It was neither familiar nor rude. It was the kind of lukewarm friendliness that always put Levi on edge. It made him self-conscious of his rougher roots. It made him feel like he didn't know what to say.

Thankfully, it didn't seem like Erwin expected a response. He strode into the kitchen and in a business-like manner proceeded to explain to Levi not only where the cups were, but also where the mixes were, the sliced lemons, the _frozen_ sliced lemons, and the cappuccino machine.

"Thanks," Levi grunted, snatching a red solo cup and filling it halfway with vodka.

"You're sure you don't want something a little more..." Erwin raised a bushy eyebrow, "homey?" He motioned to the cupboard full of glasses.

"Oh, I didn't see those," Levi lied, topping his drink up with water. "Too late now."

Truth was, Levi didn't trust glassware from other people's households. It was impossible to tell how well they washed their dishes. It appeared like these folks had a dishwasher, but by the looks of it, it hadn't been serviced in a while. The dish rack next to the sink was crammed with plates and Levi thought he spotted a speck of tomato sauce on the side of one of them. It made him shudder.

Erwin led him back into the front room. It was early but the house was already packed. It was interesting to remark that most of the guests sported a similarly intellectual vibe as Hange. Denim was outmatched by various corduroys and felts, and in spite of the heat, everybody seemed to be wearing some kind of jacket or vest. Even though the owners of the house possessed more short glasses than Levi had ever seen outside a bar, everyone seemed to be drinking wine. Avant-garde jazz droned from somewhere upstairs, mingling strangely with Erwin's guitar playing.

Even Hange seemed somewhat of an outcast in this scene. It wasn't that she wasn't smart enough to match the highfalutin conversation—it was more that she was too intelligent to hide her zeal the same way they did. Her wild gesticulating was nearly clownish against their eloquent poise. Levi felt himself warming up to her slightly.

He downed the rest of his glass and retreated to the kitchen for a refill. Maybe if he got drunk enough, he'd even start to think she was sexy. Lying in a field last week, they'd made out a bit, and as lonely and bitter as he was, he just hadn't had the spirit to take it much farther. He couldn't quite tell what it was. Maybe she was just too goofy for him. Or maybe he was just too jaded to feel anything anymore. He hadn't even been jerking off much those days. When his inspiration faded, it faded in all areas. What did the psychologists call it... inability to feel pleasure?

He might not have been able to experience pleasure, but he could sure experience pain. He took two shots on the spot and wove his way down a hallway to escape Erwin's atonal serenading. Levi knew he should probably locate Hange. He was her plus-one, and they were sort of dating, so he didn't want to be a complete dick and ditch her. It's just, the house was so packed with people it was hard to see where she had gone.

He wandered down a set of stairs into the basement where a new sort of music greeted his ears. It still wasn't the driving rock he preferred, but it carried more of a tune than what he'd heard so far. Somebody was singing and, unlike Erwin's, their voice had a kick to it. It was rough and expressive. As hard as it is to describe sounds, it sort of reminded Levi of coarse sand. He reached the base of the stairs and immediately froze.

A skinny boy was sitting on a stool, drooped over the microphone he held sloppily in his left hand. A full head of chunky brown hair obscured his face, but Levi could make out the shape of his mouth as it formed the lyrics to the song. Resting the boy's lips looked so incredibly soft, it was unbelievable the contours they were capable of twisting into in order to convey the emotions in whatever he was singing. Whenever he rose above a certain pitch, their corners dipped downwards into an ecstatic grimace. Not once did he look up.

Levi thought he had accidentally stumbled into a grunge bar from the nineties. Glancing around, he was astonished to find that he was in fact still in Erwin's basement. The relics of an old coffee table sat off to the side, mostly obscured by a messy stack of DVDs, and a brocade sofa housed a couple who were smoking a joint. Whoever had set up the sound system had arranged the speakers around a tower of enormous bins that looked like they could have been stuffed with soccer gear or puzzles. Even the guitarist and the drummer seemed to blend into all of this, what with their sweatpants, their beer guts, and their unfinished energy drinks. No, the power of the illusion stemmed entirely from the boy who had, at least in Levi's mind, taken centre stage.

Levi was so enraptured he hardly noticed that Hange was standing next to him. The song seemed to intensify and the room slowly filled with more people. The boy bent over, clutching the microphone like a dying paramour, and screamed a final note that almost stopped Levi's breathing.

Levi was so sure that the boy was going to do something consistent with his stage presence, like hurling the mic across the room, or shuffling off to resume whichever drug habit he practised whenever he wasn't writing dark, mastermind lyrics, so when instead the boy tossed back his head of hair and heartily laughed, Levi almost dropped his drink. It was so unexpected.

"I'm really sorry about that," the drummer snorted. "You can all leave now."

"Shut up, dumbass!" the boy shouted, tossing an empty beer can at the drummer's head. "You guys are supposed to have my back!"

"Get off the stage," one of the stoners heckled from the couch. "It's Mikasa's turn."

"Fine." The boy threw his hands up into the air. "That's the last time I'm singing for any of you losers."

Nobody acknowledged the jib. Most of the room had turned their attention to a bewitching girl with a jet black guitar, almost as jet black as her hair, who was plugging in. Levi couldn't understand what was wrong with them.

"This is Mikasa," Hange explained. "She frequents Erwin's jams. Just wait until you hear what she can do with a fretboard."

As Hange chattered on about the manifold cultures originating out of Erwin's basement, Levi leaned against the wall and surveyed the boy through narrowed eyes. Levi was lucky he was always so dour, otherwise she might have surmised something was wrong. His emotions constantly swam beneath a mask of bored indifference, but right now, they were thrashing like sharks. He hadn't felt this way in a long time. His _body_ hadn't felt this way in a long time. He was fucking terrified.

"You know what I mean?" Hange asked brightly, staring into Levi's face.

"Um," Levi muttered, nervously licking his lips. "Excuse me?"

The boy had finished helping his bassist pack up and the two of them were making their way towards the stairs. If Levi didn't move, the boy would pass right by him.

"I was just asking you about—" Hange paused. "What are you looking at?"

"Hey," Levi suddenly grunted, reaching out and grabbing the boy's arm. The boy turned towards him distractedly and his emerald-green eyes were caught in the glow of one of the potlights. Levi was immediately impaled with regret. The boy was clearly on his way somewhere and wanted anything but to be waylaid at the base of the stairs by some old, short creep.

"That was good," Levi managed to murmur, turning away as if to resume his conversation with Hange—but Hange had disappeared. God damn her!

It took Levi a moment to realize that the boy had not moved. Levi glanced back and looked into two green orbs the size of saucers.

"What?"

"You really think so?"

"Fuck," Levi muttered, taking a sip of his drink. His hands were shaking. Wasn't alcohol supposed to numb you? So why did it feel like every inch of his skin might detonate at any moment?

"What was that?" the boy asked loudly. It seemed he had completely forgotten his bassist, who was waiting for him at the top of the stairs.

"I said it was good," Levi snapped, turning to meet the boy's look head-on. "What, are you deaf?"

Levi was astonished to see a grin beginning to stretch itself across the boy's face.

"What the fuck are you looking at?"

"I'm Eren," the boy said, sticking out his hand like a cheesy showman. "Pleased to meet you."

Levi rolled his eyes. When it became clear that Eren wasn't going to back down, Levi rolled his eyes again before shifting his drink to his left hand and reaching out to meet Eren's joust. The moment their palms touched Levi felt his breath catch in his throat.

"L-levi."

At that second Mikasa's drummer ripped an ear-shattering fill and the band dropped into a groove. Eren's bassist was shouting at him from the top of the stairs but clearly the boy couldn't hear. People were hurrying down to catch Mikasa's performance and Levi caught sight of the bassist throwing up his hands in defeat before Eren leaned over, obscuring Levi's view with his head of shaggy hair.

"What?" he shouted in Levi's ear. "I didn't catch that."

"Levi."

"Whaaaaaat?"

"MY NAME IS LEVI!" Levi bellowed, feeling his body contort with frustration. Just then a troop of girls rocketed down the stairs and crashed straight into Eren's behind.

The boy was driven flush against Levi. Their chests, their abdomens, and their hips pressed together into a wonderfully attuned contour. In this fleeting instance, Levi realized not only how slender Eren looked, but how slender he _felt._ It was so crowded that nobody but Levi would have noticed the way Eren lingered there just a little longer than was necessary. Truly, to anybody else, it would have appeared like nothing more than an unfortunate blunder on the girls' parts. But for Levi, it was suddenly as if he had been given superpowers. The way Eren leaned inwards, his soft lips catching strands of Levi's hair; his fingers tracing Levi's waist as he asked if Levi was okay, his sandy voice suddenly awkward and heavy—Levi perceived it all in vivid detail.

It was the more social aspects of the contretemps that went over Levi's head. Instead of numbing his body, the vodka seemed to have numbed his mind. It suddenly seemed entirely natural for the two of them to be laughing together guiltily—guilty for what, he did not know—despite the fact that they were two men who had only just met one minute ago, and Levi never laughed.

"How old are you, anyway?"

"I'm nineteen," Eren shouted over the music.

Okay, so at least he was over eighteen. But still.

"That's pretty damn young."

"What?" Eren yelled.

Levi was tired of shouting. He fixed Eren with a look instead. There were entire stories inside his eyes.

"Come on." Eren grabbed Levi's wrist. Without one more word, the two of them fought their way back up the crowded set of stairs, down the hallway and out onto the porch. As they passed the kitchen, Levi snatched his gin from the countertop.

They burst outside like restless finches. The air was ripe with the smell of crab apple blossoms. Levi wove his way to the banister and assumed a lopsided lean.

"Why don't you sit down?" Eren asked, patting the bench.

"It's all covered in leaves and bird shit."

"What? No." Eren gave the bench a brush. "It's fine."

Levi inhaled slowly. It was true that the bench looked mostly alright, but there were other reasons for avoiding sitting down beside this nineteen-year-old boy. Whichever damns had been built around Levi's sexuality for the past year were being cloven open. He feared that if he caught a hint of Eren's scent one more time, or stared into his big green eyes too long, he would be incapable of driving off the urges he had to do things to him. To _taste_ him. But just what would such an outgoing, friendly nineteen-year old think if another man—a man considerably older than himself—leaned over and kissed him? Levi had already forgotten what had happened at the base of the stairs. He was too drunk to remember. Fuck, he was too drunk to comprehend what any of this meant at all.

"Where did you come from?"

Levi looked over and found that Eren was gazing at him with a completely novel expression. Who was this kid? He was so unpredictable.

"Get that look off your face."

"Why?" Eren questioned, somewhat stubbornly.

"You're in a rock band," Levi protested. "You aren't supposed to look like a lost puppy dog."

"You are such a hard ass." Eren sighed dramatically and got up, joining Levi by the railing. "Whatcha drinking?"

"Gin."

"What kind of gin?"

"Hendrix gin."

"What's it like?"

Levi turned and gave Eren a look. When he saw that the kid was being entirely serious, he sighed. "Didn't you have to be somewhere? I thought I saw your bassist—"

Levi was interrupted by Eren leaning over and nuzzling Levi's neck.

"What are you doing?" Levi choked.

Eren's lips brushed along Levi's neck and he buried his face in Levi's hair, inhaling deeply. Levi dropped the gin with a clunk. His entire body went rigid with desire. He could feel his cock burning in his pants like a poker taken fresh from the fire. He hadn't felt like this since he had been—well, since he had been around Eren's age.

"Back off, kid."

"I'm sorry," Eren stepped back, his chest rising and falling. "Oh wow, I'm so sorry. That was fucked up."

"Are you drunk?"

"Not really," Eren said glumly. Levi was amazed the kid didn't lie. He would have jumped on such an excuse had it presented itself so handily.

"What's wrong with you?"

"I'm so sorry!" Eren almost shouted. "I don't know what came over me!"

Levi felt as though he might rot into the banister. Shaming Eren felt like trampling newly sprouted flowers. Not to mention the fact that there was a visibly glaring hypocrisy making itself known in Levi's underwear at that very moment.

"You like the way I smell?"

Eren paused. "What?"

"Do you like the way I smell?" Levi reiterated, walking slowly in Eren's direction. Levi was shorter but the power in his eyes was devastating. Eren began to tremble.

"I'm sorry, I..."

"Is that why you got so close?" Levi was now near enough that their noses were almost touching.

"Well yes, but..." Eren looked away, avoiding Levi's lancinating gaze. "I like whole lot more than that about you," he finally whispered.

Levi reached up and gripped the back of Eren's head, yanking him downwards. The moment their lips touched Eren's shyness seemed to evaporate. The boy kissed back feverishly, moaning into Levi's mouth. Levi slid his hand downwards and palmed the bulge between Eren's legs.

"Oh my god," Eren groaned frantically.

"Keep it down," Levi choked, pushing Eren behind an enormous vase. He was old enough to have had his fair share of questionably public screws, but never with another guy, and never with someone almost seven years younger than him. Really, the whole thing was so odd that if Levi hadn't of been drinking he might have assumed it was all a bizarre dream.

Levi had just begun to undo Eren's pants when he was grabbed by the front of his shirt and slammed back into the stucco. Having forcefully swapped their positions, Eren unbuckled _Levi's_ pants and proceeded to sink to his knees. Levi was too drunk to protest.

Levi was in one of those rare states of mind where it didn't matter how he was touched, he just knew he wasn't going to last long. Eren's mouth was indeed quite soft, and his hands were long and slender, and just the sight of Eren jerking himself off as he sucked Levi's cock was enough to drive Levi over the edge. No matter how Levi squirmed, Eren held him in place, and so when he came, he came right in the Eren's mouth, moaning uncontrollably through clenched teeth.

After a moment he looked down and saw Eren wiping his mouth. The boy's hand was still on his own cock, which had cum bright and pearly all over the paneling in between Levi's feet. Levi shivered as a fresh wave of desire washed over him. Unfortunately, his knees gave out and he sagged to the ground. The alcohol was finally beginning to take its toll.

"Come on, let's get you inside," Eren said cheerfully. He made sure they were both zipped up before hauling Levi up by the armpits and leading him back into the house. The party was in still in full swing and Eren led Levi through hoards of guests.

"Oh dear, is he alright?" Hange inquired, weaving over from the kitchen.

"Just a little too much gin," Eren said.

"I'm fine," Levi mumbled. "Just need to get to the train."

"Oh no." Hange crouched down and poked Levi's nose. "You're not going anywhere by the looks of it."

The two of them helped Levi up a staircase to the second story and into a little decorative guestroom. It seemed like the rooms in Erwin's house got classier with each floor. This one even had tiny dried flowers in glass orbs.

Levi sprawled on the bed without even checking to see if the sheets looked clean.

"I'll get him some water," Hange offered.

"It's okay, I'll get it," Eren said firmly. "I'll take care of him."

"Take care of him?" Hange studied the boy's expression for just a little longer than was regular. Just as he began to squirm, her eyes travelled to Levi's collapsed form and back again. Then, she pushed up her glasses and smiled deviously. "Okee dokee."

Once she was gone, Levi groaned into the pillow.

"What is it?" Eren asked worriedly.

"She knows."

Eren frowned. "Well, I don't know—"

"She fucking knows. And everyone down there saw."

"So what?" Eren demanded. Then, after a moment, he said more gently, "But I don't think they saw."

"They at least saw how drunk I was."

"How drunk you _are_ ," Eren corrected. "Here, let me get you some water."

"Who even are you?"

Eren ignored the question. He returned one minute later and handed Levi a glass.

"Did you drink some?" Levi asked.

"I'm not drunk, remember?"

"I know, but you..." Levi felt himself actually blushing. "You didn't have to do that, you know."

Eren looked down. "I didn't mind."

"Are you gay?" Levi asked bluntly, setting down the cup with a clumsy _clunk._

"I'm not sure." Eren paused. "Are you?"

"No." Levi rolled onto his back and covered his eyes with his palms. "I don't know," he eventually corrected with a groan.

They talked about a lot more things which Levi couldn't remember the next day. Eventually Eren was gone, and Levi was asleep, and the next morning he woke up more hungover than he'd been in months. He was horrified to find that he had slept in his dirty socks, but even more horrifying was the realization that he had forgotten to get Eren's number.

 

**_END CHAPTER 1_ **


	2. Charades

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here is chapter two! I've been writing up a storm these days. I'm going to do my best to publish a new chapter at least once a week. Hope you guys enjoy this one. As usual, feel free to comment, I'll read and respond to them all :)

________

Art is a funny thing. Sometimes the drive to do it disappears entirely. Other times, it floods out like a fucking volcano. The only complication arises when the type of art that wants to make itself known is in some way disagreeable to the artist at hand. In this case, Levi wanted nothing more than to paint endless portraits of doleful, green-eyed rocker boys. Instead, he painted nothing—not one fucking thing—because he couldn't bring himself to engage in such foolish nonsense.

At least he'd managed to clean up since the party last weekend. It had gotten to the point where, assessed side-by-side, the cons of continuing to destroy himself truly outweighed the pros. Not only did his body feel like shit when he drank every night, but a familiar angst trickled into his thinking, stealing away the meaning from simple things like listening to music, eating, or even sleeping. Levi lived alone and in order to pay rent, he needed to work, and in order to work his dead-end bartending job, he needed to not be a full-blown dysfunctional shut-in.

That being said, Hange had invited him to another party that evening and Levi had agreed to go. He had the next day off, and heaven knows he wasn't in any kind of a painting mood, so he couldn't see the harm in it. It might even be healthy for him to get out and see some people. Meet some people. Re-encounter... some... people.

Levi grimaced at his wayward thought, hopping off the bus and starting his way down the street. The address Hange had texted him was in a part of town Levi had never been. It seemed relatively well-kept, but not as ritzy as Erwin's neighbourhood. Maybe this crowd would be a little less pretentious than last time. Levi hoped so. He had stubbornly worn the same black jeans and leather jacket as before, protesting silently against their affected style. Thank god it was nowhere near as hot out as it had been last week.

He was also grateful for the fact that Hange had let him find his own way to the party this time. Levi was anything but a social butterfly and it usually took him a few moments to adjust to the idea that he was about to be immersed in a group of people. Before parties, he needed to get his game-face on in private. The procedure progressed in assiduously planned stages. A drink while he showered; careful preening in front of the mirror accompanied by the blaring soundtrack of his favourite metal band; another round of drinks before he left the house, to last him during his commute, and a solitary walk to the venue to loosen him up. These were the kinds of rituals that made him feel armoured before entering a social setting. God knows what would happen if anyone ever caught a glimpse of him in his natural environment. They might think they'd stumbled across a new species.

Levi glanced at the address to his right. According to his phone, the house was four doors down. He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. He was ready. He was the perfect amount of buzzed to get himself through the door. Socially, he tended to swim from one island of alcohol to the next, and it looked like he was going to make it this time. Land was in sight.

Suddenly his phone buzzed in his hand.

"What the?" he muttered, ducking behind a bush to read the message. He was almost right in front of the house at this point.

_Still haven't forgotten about you._

Levi felt himself flushing. Who the hell was texting him such sappy things? He glanced at the contact and saw that it was an unknown number.

_Hope to see you tonight._

Levi lowered his phone and stared ahead dumbly. Could it really be who he thought it was? And if so, why had he chosen to text Levi just now? Furthermore, how had he gotten Levi's number? Levi couldn't remember giving it out that night at Erwin's, although, Levi couldn't remember a lot of things about that night.

Well, fuck if he was going to respond. He was almost on the bloody front step—how weird would it be to text the brat back and then see him two seconds later inside? That is, if the text was indeed from who Levi thought it was. There was still no guarantee. He had only just jammed his phone into his back pocket when it buzzed again. Levi cursed out loud.

_You taste just as good as you smell btw_

Levi froze at the top of the steps, his finger poised in front of the doorbell. There was no way he could walk into the party in his current state. He was suddenly a mess. Eren's text had effectively unravelled him, leaving him wondering if he'd drunk more than he remembered. He felt out of breath, not to mention monsoons of heat were rising oh so stubbornly in his groin-ish region. Unfortunately for him, somebody chose that exact moment to pop outside for a smoke.

"Oh hello," Erwin said silkily, pulling a silver lighter out of his breast pocket. He eyed Levi circumspectly. "You seem in good health."

For a moment Levi thought Erwin was actually referring to his hard-on, then he remembered the state he had been in the last time the two of them had spoken face-to-face. He arranged his hands to cover the unsightly problem.

"Thank you," Levi said stiffly, "for letting me crash at your place last time."

"Of course," Erwin replied. "Anytime."

Levi hurried away, anxious to escape Erwin's oblique scrutiny. Ever since last week he'd been telling himself that Eren was right—nobody had witnessed their little assignation on the porch—but now, Levi wasn't so sure. Really, when he walked into the room and found Hange, Jean, and various others from the party waving up at him from around a table, he felt as though his indiscretions were written all over his face. Certainly Eren's recent texts hadn't helped.

"Levi's on my team!" Hange yelled. "We're playing charades."

"Charades?" Levi asked, furrowing his already furrowed brow. "Really?"

"You heard her," Erwin replied, shutting the door behind him with a clap. "Take a seat."

Levi was just about to ask Erwin why he thought he had the right to order him around, especially when this wasn't even his house, when a certain somebody came gambolling out of the kitchen with a drink in either hand.

"Alright Armin, let's take these guys down—"

The moment Eren spotted Levi he stopped talking. It was actually so abrupt the entire table looked up to see what had happened. There was a moment wherein Eren and Levi just looked at one another, Eren's eyes sparkling like gemstones, Levi fighting the blush that was rising to his expressionless face. It was impossible to say how long they might have stood like that had Armin failed to break the spell.

"Are you going to give me my drink or not?" the blond kid interrupted. Armin's words were bossy but his voice was not. Even as he said them an apologetic smile appeared on his mousy face.

"Uh, yeah, right," Eren said, plopping Armin's drink down in front of him. A large portion of it slopped over the edge and spilled all over the table. Armin dabbed it up with his sleeve.

Miraculously, Levi didn't even notice. He made his way to a chair, clumsily accepting a beer from Jean, and chugged half of it within one minute. The following game of charades was probably one of the best Levi had ever played. It didn't seem fitting that a guy as antisocial as him had ever had the opportunity to participate in such a thing but, believe it or not, even the kids back in art school had harboured a soft spot for drinking games. Levi had always been a bad sport about it. The difference was, back then, he hadn't given a shit what any of them thought.

Oh, how things had changed.

Levi contorted his body to mimic a dolphin, served as the ass end of what was supposed to be a pickup truck, and waved his hands in circles to convey the sentiment of whimsy, all in the hope of overwriting everyone's memory of the way he and Eren had greeted one another. It was bad enough that the two of them had disappeared upstairs for half of the night last weekend, and the episode on the balcony itself... Levi fixed his face into a rigid smile and remained attentive as Erwin strutted around the lobby like a flamingo. Eren was seated just across the table, but Levi couldn't bear to look at him.

The most incredible part of all of it was that Levi didn't know one god-damned thing about the kid. He didn't know where the guy came from, what he did for a living, or if he had a job at all. Chances are he was still living with his parents. They had spoken a maximum of fifty sentences to one another, all while drinking copious amounts of liquor—or well, the last part held true for Levi, anyway—so it didn't make one bit of sense the way Levi felt. Sure Eren was gorgeous, but Levi encountered attractive people every day at his job. Besides—Eren was a guy.

Perhaps this is why Levi felt as terrified as he did. It's only fun to pretend you have nothing to lose when it's true.

"Eren's turn!"

Eren pulled a card out of the heap and a grin slowly began to creep over his face. Levi didn't like the look of it one bit. After a moment, the boy slapped the card down on the table and stood up, motioning for Hange to start the timer.

"What the fuck?" Jean shouted as Eren's shirt hit him in the face.

"Stripper!" Armin yelled.

"Pole dancer!" Hange theorized.

"Whore!" Erwin added gallantly.

Even if Levi's mind hadn't gone blank, there's no way he could have asserted his guesses. His throat was as tight as a finger trap. He didn't dare take a sip of his beer, for fear that he might choke. Eren was inching his jeans down bit-by-bit, revealing a pair of aquamarine boxers. The kid had perfect skin. It stretched up from his abdomen like a golden sea, rolling gracefully over his hauntingly lithe musculature, up and up to the most beautiful pair of collar bones Levi had ever seen. Levi never knew he could feel this way about a man. Fuck, Levi never knew he could feel this way about a _person._

 _What's wrong with me?_ he demanded of himself. _This guy is a total idiot._

To Levi's horror, Eren began making his way around the table, tossing flirtatious winks at guests as he sauntered by. Levi couldn't be sure, but based on Eren's trajectory, he was pretty certain he knew where the kid was headed. Eren locked eyes on Levi's and suddenly Levi didn't care. Let them see. What did it matter, as long as Levi got to touch him once more...

"Times up!" Armin cried, slamming the table with his hand.

"Aweeeee," Eren complained, sticking his ass out and making a pouty face. "I was so close."

"What was the word, anyway?"

"Peeler?" Mikasa questioned incredulously, inspecting the card. "You've gotta be kidding me. There's a bowl of fruit right there."

"Words have multiple meanings, Mikasa."

"Some people don't like watching their friends strip, Eren."

"Awe, you know you liked it," Eren retorted, tossing Jean a wink. Jean pretended to vomit back into his cup.

More people were arriving and soon the game of charades was put on hold. Eren stuck around to shoot the shit with Armin and Mikasa, and Hange had disappeared somewhere as usual, so Levi slipped away to check out the house. Apparently it belonged to a girl named Ymir. It was nowhere near as nicely decorated as Erwin's abode, but Levi felt more comfortable here. It was easier to blend in.

Images of Eren's body surfaced in Levi's mind. It irritated him how single-minded he had recently become. Just to prove a point to himself, he went up to a group of girls and chatted them up for a while. Levi might have been antisocial, but he was no shrinking violet. He knew he had a certain appeal when it came to the ladies. The girls poured them a round of shots and Levi obliged half-heartedly. Like it or not, the entirety of his attention was fixed on the door leading back into the lobby, through which that stupid kid might appear should he ever decide to leave those stupid friends of his for one stupid moment.

Eventually Levi got bored of waiting and he busied himself with finding a washroom. He wandered up a set of stairs and tried the handle to the first room. It was locked. A dim light shone from a room at the end of the hall and he took a few steps closer.

It was when he heard the sound of someone moaning that he knew he should have turned around. Still, some kind of morbid curiosity drove him onwards. In his mind, anything was better than returning to the nerve-wracking dilemma downstairs. He made sure to step lightly so as not to be heard. Just as he reached the end of the corridor, a second voice joined the first. This voice was clearly Erwin's. All Levi caught was a glimpse, but it was a very informative glimpse.

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath, hurrying back down the stairs. "How did they get up there so fast?"

He stumbled into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of wine. When he raised the cup to his lips, he realized that his hands were shaking. For the life of him he couldn't figure out why. It wasn't like he cared about Hange that way or anything.

It was just that all of these people were so interwoven. Ymir knew Historia, who was pretty good friends with Armin, who of course had attended grade school with Jean and Mikasa. Erwin had been Mikasa's TA this year in college, and Eren seemed to know just about everyone. But Levi was nothing but Hange's plus one. And now that was severely up for consideration.

 _It's true,_ Levi thought to himself. _If Hange and Erwin are fucking, there's absolutely no reason for me to be here anymore._

Levi drained his glass and went looking for his jacket. He didn't even bother saying goodbye. What was the point? Without Hange's invitation, there was no way he was ever going to get asked back. It was clear that Erwin had zero respect for him as a person. It went beyond the fact that he was currently fucking the girl Levi was allegedly dating. The guy never stopped with the pompous remarks. Obviously he thought Levi was nothing but low-bred trash.

Levi was halfway down the street when he heard someone calling after him.

"Where are you going?" Eren gasped, fighting to catch his breath.

"I don't see why that's any of your business."

"But you didn't even say bye."

"Even if I'd wanted to, you were clearly occupied," Levi said coldly.

"What, with Mikasa and Armin?" Eren laughed. "Those guys are totally cool with you."

"You can't expect a stranger to just come up and—" Levi paused. "They're cool with me? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I told them all about you and they like you!"

"All about me?" Levi was starting to feel sick.

"Like how you're a artist and you like to paint buildings and cityscapes."

"What, when did I—"

"And how your favourite time to go on walks is after midnight."

"Eren, seriously—"

"There were a few things I left out, of course," Eren giggled.

"Don't tell me I spilled all that to you last weekend while I was drunk?"

Eren nodded gleefully.

"That's how you got my number," Levi concluded. He turned around, sighing. "I'm never drinking again."

"You still haven't explained why you left without saying goodbye."

"Why does it matter?"

"Because..." Eren paused, suddenly awkward. Levi couldn't understand why someone who persisted in behaving so apishly all the time would ever feel that way. Here was a guy who was shameless enough to strip in front of a room full of people. What business did he have in feeling shy?

"Because I think you're cool," Eren mumbled forlornly.

"Do you even know what you're saying?" Levi snapped. "You don't know a thing about me. I'm nothing like your friends. I fucking despise parties. The only reason I went last weekend was because Hange begged me to, and now she's boning Erwin, so a whole lot of good that did."

"Hange is boning Erwin?" Eren said, wide-eyed. After a moment his expression darkened. "That's why you stormed out. Because you're upset."

"I couldn't care less who she chooses to bang."

"Clearly you do," Eren protested. "Otherwise you wouldn't have left."

"Did you not hear one word I just said? I hate parties. That's a good enough reason to leave."

"If you hate them so much, and you don't care about Hange..." Eren shuffled his feet, "why did you come tonight?"

Levi dropped his gaze and turned to the side. He made a mental note not to underestimate the kid's reasoning skills in the future.

"I know I can be stupid," Eren continued awkwardly. "I'm sorry if I'm grossing you out. But I think you're really awesome."

"I'm seven years older than you."

"So is Erwin."

Levi raised an eyebrow. "Please don't tell me you're fucking him too?"

"N-no!" Eren exclaimed frantically. "He's just a friend!"

"So what do you think a twenty-six-year man old would want with a brat like you?"

Eren looked so downcast Levi almost died right then and there. Had Levi had a knife in his bag, he might have used it to commit harikari.

"I'm sorry, kid," he grunted. "I just don't think you know what you're saying."

"And just who are you to make such claims?" Eren demanded heatedly. "You think because I'm young I don't know when I like someone? It isn't rocket science!"

Eren grapped Levi by the collar and pulled him in to a kiss. The moment their lips met, Levi growled, dropping his bag onto the pavement. He pushed Eren up against a lamppost and ground against him, snaking a hand up under his shirt, hungrily caressing every inch of the hallowed skin the kid had so frivolously showcased earlier. Levi's finger brushed one of Eren's nipples and Eren cried out, his sandy voice resounding all the way down the street.

"Shhhh," Levi panted, willing himself to step away. "They'll hear us."

Eren nodded obediently, covering his mouth with two hands.

Levi glanced around cagily. His desire had overridden all thoughts of _why_ or _if_. The only thing on his mind was _where_. "We can't do this here."

"Can I come over to your place?"

"You can't just leave. They'll all wonder where you went."

"I don't care," Eren whispered. "I want you so bad."

The kid's words made Levi's head spin. He grabbed Eren's wrist, snatched up his bag, and led them to the bus stop. Thankfully the bus came quickly, and within minutes they were cruising back downtown to Levi's apartment. The lights in the bus were fluorescent white. Levi caught a glimpse of himself in one of the windows. His eyes were clouded and his mouth was swollen and red from all the kissing they'd done. He almost looked stoned. Turning around, he found that Eren was in much the same state.

The two of them sat in silence. The bus was pretty full. There was an old guy with a ridiculously swank pair of headphones rocking out to some unknown beat near the back. A group of teenagers sipped technicolour slushies through enormous straws, and a mother sat at the front with a baby carriage.

Suddenly Levi's breath caught in his throat.

Eren was running his little finger along Levi's wrist, making little circles. Nobody could have seen, for their hands were hidden by the mess of coats between them.

"Stop," Levi muttered.

Eren smiled innocently. "Stop what?"

Levi closed his eyes and exhaled through his nostrils.

It felt like the bus took forever to reach their stop. The moment they were back on the street, Levi grabbed Eren and dragged him behind a retaining wall.

"How—dare—you—" Levi intoned, biting the boy's neck.

"I'm sorry," Eren sighed shakily. "I couldn't help it."

Through a series of stops and starts the two of them eventually managed the journey to Levi's apartment. It was a bachelor's suite on the fifth floor of an enormous housing complex right next to a row of office buildings. The elevator had a sort of stale smell and the carpets in the hallway were faded and dusty, but the moment they pushed through Levi's door, it was an entirely different world. The tile was polished to utmost uniformity. All table-tops, counters and desks were clear of objects and recently dusted. There was the faintest hint of lemon in the air.

"Where's your washroom?" Eren asked. "I have to take a piss."

"Last door to your right," Levi responded, moving Eren's shoes onto the mat. He hoped Eren would have the sense to know which was the hand towel.

While Eren used the bathroom, Levi poured them a couple glasses of cheap merlot. Having caught a minute to himself, he reflected momentarily on the preposterous nature of the situation. One moment he was playing charades with a bunch of college students, the next he was making out with one of them in the street. Now they were in Levi's own apartment, ready to do god knows what with all their pent up desire, and Levi was only just realizing how ultimately unprepared he was for such a thing.

He'd never had sex with a guy before! What did such an act even entail? Levi may or may not have stumbled across the odd clip of gay porn in his time, and may or may not have found some of it slightly intriguing, but porn was no substitute for real-world knowledge. His only hope was that Eren knew what he was doing.

The moment Eren exited the washroom, Levi's heart gave a little flip. Maybe it didn't matter either way.

They took their wine into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. The moonlight shone in the window, illuminating the pale sheets like windblown snow.

"Ugh," Eren gasped, setting down his glass. "Chugging wine, not a good idea."

"Nervous?"

Eren smiled sheepishly. "Maybe a little."

"We don't have to do this."

"No!" Eren exclaimed forcefully. "I want to."

Levi set his glass down. They kissed like that, on the edge of the mattress, for quite some time. After a while Eren pulled Levi up onto the bed by the front of his clothes. Levi undressed slowly, unbuttoning his ripped shirt, snaking out of his tight black jeans. Eren did the same, albeit a little more hurriedly than his older counterpart. When the two of them were finally in their boxers, Eren stared so hard Levi had to look away. His pitch black bangs fell over one eye, casting his face in shadow.

"What is it?" he finally asked, his voice strained.

"You're so..." Eren swallowed.

Levi had a moment of doubt. Was Eren having second thoughts? Levi vaguely recalled the fact that Eren's sexuality was just as unspecified as his own. Now that they were almost naked, did the kid still like what he was seeing?

"I can't take it," Eren breathed, crawling forward on all fours. "I need to taste you again."

Before Levi knew it he was splayed backwards, supporting himself on his forearms while Eren yanked off his underwear. Eren took Levi's cock into his mouth and began working him with his hands, and within moments Levi felt himself contract dangerously. He pushed Eren back and rolled on top of him instead, pinning his wrists against the mattress.

Eren stared up with enormous eyes.

"You know how to give," Levi said quietly, "but do you know how to take?"

Eren began to say something, but it trailed off into stutters as Levi made his way down to Eren's boxers. He ripped them off and tossed them to the side. He'd always figured that going down on a guy would be disgusting somehow—perhaps the smell, or the taste of precum—but at that moment, something about Eren was so singularly beautiful, none of these thoughts crossed his mind.

The tip of Eren's cock was already dewy with arousal. Levi ran his hand down its length and felt Eren twitch. The feeling was so satisfying, Levi leaned over and took Eren's cock into his mouth just to feel him do it again. Eren let out a little yelp, grabbing handfuls of Levi's hair, and Levi began to work Eren up and down. Eren bucked his hips and Levi was struck by what it might feel like to have those hips pressed into his own, Eren's long slender legs wrapped around his back as Levi pressed deep inside him—

"I want you," Eren moaned, as if reading Levi's mind.

Levi unearthed a condom and a bottle of lube from his bedside bureau. He didn't know exactly what to do, but he figured it couldn't be that much different from how things were with a woman. He coated his fingers in lube and felt around until he found Eren's opening. Taking a deep breath, he slowly pushed one inside.

"Ah," Eren said thickly.

"Is it alright?"

Eren nodded. Levi gently worked him until he felt Eren begin to relax. He was just about to push in a second finger when Eren grabbed his arm with a soft slap.

"I'm ready."

Levi, who had been holding back with everything he had, pulled out his hand and fished around for the condom. He doused himself in a fresh coating of lube and crawled on top of his impatient guest, positioning himself with his hand. When everything was in place, he looked down and met Eren's eye.

"Have you ever done this before?"

Eren groped at Levi's hips. "Just do it."

Levi complied, pushing forward slowly. For all his exuberance, it was impossible for Eren to completely mask the pain he was experiencing. He bit his lip and shut his eyes, digging his nails hard into Levi's sides.

"Am I hurting you?"

Eren shook his head furiously from side-to-side. "Keep going," he panted.

Levi pushed until he was all the way in and Eren gave a little whimper. Levi reached up and touched the side of the boy's face.

"I don't want to do this if it's hurting you."

"No," Eren said weakly. "I mean, yes, it hurts, but it also feels good—"

Eren pulled Levi down into a kiss and Levi couldn't help it; soon, his hips were moving on their own accord, thrusting in and out with measured restraint. Eren's moans became more and more erotic in nature, and soon, instead of flinching against Levi's cock, he was arching his back, opening himself wider to let it in.

"Fuck, you're so tight," Levi lamented, gritting his teeth in laboured self-control.

"Harder," Eren groaned, seemingly oblivious to Levi's plight. "You're hitting me in this crazy spot, I'm going to lose my—"

Levi leaned over and sucked Eren's collarbone, wrapping the kid tight in his arms. It felt like it would never be enough. No matter how hard he thrusted, how deeply he penetrated, he would never reach a closeness that would satisfy him. He wanted everything about Eren; his smell, the look in his eyes, the sound of his voice. Levi wanted to reside within Eren's very being. He drove himself in and out, fighting against his flagging breath, the sweat that trickled down his forehead into his eyes. A heat was rising in his abdomen, creeping its way into the base of his spine, driven onwards by Eren's heady cries—

"I'm going to—"

Eren interrupted Levi with the deepest, throatiest moan Levi had ever heard, and that was the end for him. Levi exploded, shuddering long after the seething orgasm had ravaged its way through his every vertebrae. He collapsed on top of Eren, and for the second time in two weeks, fell asleep in the strange boy's presence.

 

**_END CHAPTER 2_ **


	3. Second Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter three! I'm having so much fun with this story. Hope you enjoy it =)
> 
> _____

Levi realized he was awake but couldn't bear to open his eyes. He must have drunk more than he thought. Fortunately for him, it wasn't enough to obscure his memories like last time, so he had a little psychological warning for what otherwise might have been quite a surprising morning. Recall that Levi was a person that prepared hours in advance merely to attend a party. Not once in the history of his entire bachelorhood had somebody slept in his apartment. All of the one night stands that he had experienced—which were fairly scant, contrary to what one might have thought, given how he looked—had occurred in other people's lodgings. It had always been that way. Levi could fool around all he wanted, he told himself, but nobody was allowed in his personal space. His apartment was sacred ground. It was the only place in the world where nothing was tainted.

So what the fuck had happened?

With as little movement as possible, he extricated himself from the sheets and crept to the washroom without looking back. He couldn't bear to acknowledge the creature currently inhabiting his bed just then. He stripped nude, depositing his boxers into the hamper like a lab technician might handle biochemical waste, and dove into the shower like a drowning man volleying for a life raft.

Water ran down his slender figure, guttering in the graceful furrows that defined his back, slicking his onyx hair against his scalp. His mouth, curiously feminine in form, relaxed in the heat of the spray, emulating a peaceful expression that was almost absurd in light of the actual contents of his mind. Levi was so good at appearing dispassionate when in fact his innards were twisting with unrest, he did it even when he was alone.

It was possible, he told himself, that when he returned to his bedroom he would find it empty. Perhaps the kid would leave before Levi's ablutions were finished, struck by a similar alarm as his host. Even more streamlined was the possibility that Levi had dreamt the entire thing up and Eren had never been there in the first place. Alas, Levi suspected he wasn't going to get off the hook that easily.

Even if Levi were to have given it some thought, it's unlikely he would've been able to tell what exactly he was so terrified of. He stood an entire five minutes with his hand on the doorknob leading out of the washroom, his mind messier than a crow's nest. The nerves were actually beginning to negate the effects of his hangover. There was absolutely nothing left to protect him from the reality of the moment; no alcohol, no sexy clothes, no guise. He was utterly defenceless.

At least he was clean. Inhaling deeply, he wrapped a towel around his waist and went to assess the damages. There was nothing else for it.

He pushed the door open and chink and peered inside. The air had an odd smell to it; a combination of sweat, alcohol, and something else... something nice. There were clothes strewn all over the floor. Levi finally allowed his eyes to trail upwards to the bed. The moment they reached their target, he gave a small sigh.

Eren lay on his back with one arm extended above his head, the other resting on his torso. His thick hair stuck in all directions, framing his epicene features like a tousled mane, and his eyes were closed. His chest rose and fell slowly. Levi concluded that he was still sleeping. The room was, according to Levi's standards, a fucking disaster; the bottle of lube on the night stand was still uncorked, Eren's pillowcase had somehow come off during his sleep, and there seemed to be socks everywhere. Still, none of it seemed to matter. Suddenly all Levi could think about was how he was going to get physically closer to the person in his bed. It was insane the things Eren's presence did to him.

Levi went and sat on the edge of the mattress like a fretful maid. The bed creaked slightly and Eren stirred, crinkling up his eyes. After a moment, he opened them a crack and looked straight at Levi.

"Good morning," Levi said, his voice low and hoarse in the morning's stillness. When Eren failed to respond, Levi continued, "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah..." Eren said softly, running a hand through his hair. After a moment he dropped his gaze. The kid seemed lost for words.

"Did you need some water?" Levi asked awkwardly.

"Sure..."

Levi fetched two glasses from the kitchen and returned, this time pulling up a stool beside the edge of the bed. He handed Eren the glass and the kid took a tentative sip.

"Is everything okay?" Levi asked bluntly. His own anxieties were beginning to be masked by his concern about Eren's current condition. He'd never seen the kid so shell-shocked. Granted, he'd only ever seen the kid twice in his life before today.

"Yeah, I'm just... remembering last night." Eren began to blush.

Levi shifted his glass in his hands.

"It's crazy," Eren continued, smiling sheepishly. "I'm just starting to realize how little we know about one another."

"Only now are you starting to realize that?"

"I guess." Eren shrugged. "It's epic. I've made out with a few people but I've never done _that_ before."

"Well, neither have I," Levi admitted.

"I guess what they say might be true. It feels really good to..." Eren paused. "Wait, you've never done it before?"

Levi cocked his head. "Done what?"

"You know..."

Levi looked at Eren deadpan. "Anal?"

"No!" Eren cried, turning a brighter shade of crimson. "Like... you've never... had _sex_ before?"

Levi started to respond before the words fully sunk in. When they did, his sentence died in his throat. He stared at Eren blankly. Emotions began to rise like leaves in a storm, few of which he deemed appropriate for the occasion at hand.

"Don't tell me," he asked weakly, "that you were a virgin?"

"Uh..." Eren scratched the back of his head guiltily. "Just a little bit."

Levi had theorized many things about the person who was currently lying naked in his bed, but this was not one of them. Eren was a dumbass. Eren was popular. Eren was an cheerful idiot with a bizarre penchant for dark, angst-ridden lyrics. Eren was fully aware of the effect his immaculate body had on those around him and had no qualms about flaunting it in front of all of his friends. Eren was in no shape-or-form, in no era or dimension, in no conceivable version of reality, a god-damned mother-fucking _virgin._

"Why me?" was all Levi had the wherewithal to ask.

"I don't know."

"Why not a _girl_?"

"I don't know!" Eren lamented wringing his hands in his lap.

Levi was flabbergasted. "But surely you've had plenty of chances before? It isn't like you're a hermit of any kind. And being a musician, you must have a bunch of groupies—"

"I didn't fuck you because I was desperate," Eren interrupted, suddenly serious. "I did it because I wanted to."

"But..."

"And I think you're overestimating me," Eren carried on quietly. "Being outgoing doesn't make these kinds of things any easier. My friends are cool about a lot of stuff, but you saw the way they reacted when I stripped. The idea of guys making out is practically inconceivable to most of them. I'm pretty sure Jean's dad is a bonafide homophobe."

"Wait..." Levi rubbed his eyes with both hands. "So you _are_ gay?"

"I don't know." After a pause, Eren sighed resignedly. "I think so."

"You sure didn't seem nervous about what they thought that night on the porch."

"Well. That was all your fault."

"My fault?"

Levi set his water down and stared at the floor. His head was spinning worse than if he'd drank double what he did the night before. Not only had he boned a nineteen-year-old college student, but he'd taken his _virginity._ Levi had already been going out on a limb with the fact that Eren was male. Levi had always boasted liberal attitudes, but if he were to be completely honest with himself, the social consequences that coincided with homosexuality sort of terrified him. Sometimes, in the latest hours of his insomnia-fraught nights, he would speculate what a person might do if they just ever so happened to swing that way. They would never be able to attend parties as a couple, for one. Family events became infinitely intractable. Even walking down the street hand-in-hand would be an excruciating endeavour—not that Levi had ever gotten close enough to anybody to participate in such a starry-eyed activity.

No, being gay was out of the question—about as out of the question as falling in love. Levi didn't like to get his hands dirty. Nobody had ever taught him how, and because of it, his life was black and white. All things were either clean or unclean. Yes or no. The problem was, right now Levi didn't have a clear answer. Once again he was terrified and, once again, Eren's presence deprived him of his capability to parse apart his emotions with equanimity.

"It's okay," Eren said quickly. "You don't have to worry. It's not like I'm gonna get all weird or anything."

"Right."

"I mean, I had to lose it eventually," Eren laughed, reaching for his shirt and yanking it over his head. As he began to dress himself, he carried on mindlessly, "Virginity is totally overrated. It's stupid how much people go on about it."

"Yeah..."

"It's actually such a relief that it's over now. I won't have to lie anymore every time someone asks about my V-card. Mikasa has been on me since forever—I think she suspects the truth—even though I've made up a million stories to convince her..."

Eren pulled on his jeans and stood up, patting his thighs cheerfully.

"Well, I guess I better get going. I wouldn't want to keep you."

"Sure," Levi said, standing up as well.

They walked to the door and Eren knelt to yank on his sneakers. "Oh wow," he chuckled, flipping open his phone. "They did notice."

Levi was silent a moment. "...What are you going to tell them?"

Eren shrugged. "I dunno. I'll think of something." He stood up and Levi remarked on how tall he was. Unlike when he was on stage, the kid's posture wasn't actually that bad. He held himself casually, with one hip cocked to the side and his pelvis stuck out slightly.

"Well..."

"Have a good day," Eren said quickly, sparing Levi the duty of closing remarks.

Levi stood in his doorway and watched as Eren strode quickly into the elevator. For some bizarre reason his heart was going a mile a minute. It was a good thing that the kid was leaving. Levi could regroup himself. He could make coffee and wake up with some god-damned leisure. He could clean up the empty wine glasses and change the sheets. Fuck, he could do some bloody laundry. He still had half a carton of soup left over from his shift two nights ago that would sustain him until he made a proper trip to the grocery store. And the washroom hadn't been cleaned in almost three days.

So if all these things needed doing, why the hell was he rushing into the elevator in his bare feet without having remembered to lock his door? Who the fuck did he think he was, jogging out into the spit-stained street, his hair casting little drops all over his grey t-shirt, craning his neck from side-to-side, sprinting as quickly as he could, reaching out his hand, which enclosed a forearm, pulling, pulling its owner closer, closer than what even an ordinary person would consider advisable on a Saturday morning, in broad daylight, in the middle of a crowded downtown street—

Eren spun around and Levi discerned the relics of a furrowed brow before it lifted with surprise. Then it was obscured by darkness, as Levi closed his eyes and did what he had been thinking about doing ever since the moment he woke up.

"L-levi!" Eren sputtered, pulling away. "There are people everywhere."

Levi glanced around. "So there are."

A few curious onlookers ogled shamelessly. Levi might have admonished them had he not been making out with a teenager, dripping wet in his bare feet in the middle of downtown.

"What are you doing here?" Eren asked, clearly flustered.

"Why don't you come back upstairs?"

"You really don't have to do that," Eren pressed, taking a step back. "Seriously Levi, I feel bad enough making a straight guy—"

To the wonder of a group of businesswomen walking by, Levi repeated the very same taboo as he had moments prior. This time Eren lingered a moment before pulling away. When he did, his eyes allowed themselves a tentative brightness.

"...Are you sure?"

Levi nodded. "If you don't, I'm going to rip your clothes off right now in front of all these people."

Eren swallowed thickly. "Got it."

They splayed on the floor of Levi's bedroom, both with their shirts still on. Levi didn't even bother to draw the curtains. He buried his nose in Eren's tousled locks, breathing in hungrily, savouring the motes of scent that clung to Eren from sleep. Eren moaned with every thrust, his voice high and airy, as if he couldn't muster the focus to draw out the noises longer than a few seconds.

Levi ended up pushing Eren across the room until they were up against the bed, rung around by a crescent of last night's clothing. Eren's hands flew up and clutched fistfulls of the bedspread, his mouth wide with surrender, while Levi reached down to touch him. He jerked Eren's cock as though it was his own; really, the placement was almost accurate, given how Levi had Eren's hips right in his lap.

They came like that, Levi following Eren by about a minute, bathed in sweat and tangled in a mess of limbs. Eren stared at Levi's chest mutely, struggling to regain his breath. His golden skin was flushed, a perfect pink haze running over his nose from cheek-to-cheek. Without a word, Levi hauled him into his arms and they clumsily made their way to the shower.

If Eren had been a little embarrassed before, he seemed absolutely gobsmacked now. He refused to look Levi in the eye. He slouched over, tall and lanky as he was, with water drawing his hair into his eyes, facing the shower wall. After several failed attempts to turn him around, Levi gave up and wrapped his arms around the boy from behind, cradling him like a tree hugger might embrace a sapling.

"What are you doing to me?" he wondered out loud.

Eren made an odd muffled sound.

"This is going to get complicated," Levi acknowledged with a sigh.

"You didn't have to," Eren finally squeaked. "I was just going to go home."

"If I hadn't of had to, do you really think I would've rushed out into the street like that?"

"But..."

"What are you going to tell your friends?" Levi wondered. "Jesus, what am I going to tell Hange?"

Eren spun around quickly. "What about Hange?"

"I'll have to let her know what happened at some point—"

"Why?" Eren narrowed his eyes.

"For fuck's sake," Levi snapped. "What the hell are you getting so worked up about?"

Eren drooped his head. "Now I get it. This was a revenge fuck, wasn't it...? You were pissed that she went off and banged Erwin, so you—"

"JESUS CHRIST!" Levi bellowed.

There weren't many things in this world that piqued Levi's temper. Most times, he preferred to slink away and sulk if something rubbed him the wrong way. This is why it was entirely out of character that he was getting so worked up standing face to face with Eren in the shower just then.

"When will you get it through your fucking head how I feel about you?"

"What, am I supposed to read your mind?"

"Do you think I would've been able to do what I just did if it was otherwise?"

"Hell, I don't know!" Eren balled his fists. "You aren't even gay!"

"I never said that!"

A silence followed, wherein Eren scrutinized Levi and Levi maintained eye contact with stubborn might. Eventually Eren was the one to look away, and once again, the room began to spin for Levi.

"Are you serious?"

"I don't know," Levi muttered enigmatically, fumbling around for the shampoo.

"I think I deserve an answer." Eren said, placing his hands on his hips. After a moment, he added haughtily, "Considering all the things you've done to me."

"What did you just say?"

"How you lured me into your bedroom with your parlour tricks," Eren elaborated level-headedly, "and _deflowered_ me."

In spite of his wishes, Levi felt his cock twitch at the words. "Who was the one who forced himself on me on the balcony the first night we met?" he defended, lathering up his armpits without acknowledging what was happening to him down below. "Who was the one who sent me suggestive texts just as I was stepping in the god-damned door of Ymir's party?"

"How was I to know what was going to happen?"

Levi stared expressionlessly.

"I was so innocent, so pure..." Eren bit his lip. "And then you went and... sullied me."

Without speaking, Levi quickly deposited an enormous glob of shampoo on top of Eren's head.

"Hey—!"

Before Eren could move, Levi grabbed him with two hands and scrubbed until Eren looked like he was wearing a gigantic cauliflower as a hat.

"What the hell, Levi—"

"If you're planning on staying for breakfast," Levi said levelly, "you will need to practice proper hygiene."

"That is _so_ not sexy!"

"Stay still, it's gonna get in your eyes."

It was Eren's turn to cuss and swear in stubborn capitulation.

It was only when Eren's eyes were slammed shut, rivulets of pearly shampoo trailing down his face, that Levi allowed his expression to soften once more. How startling it was that this new expression felt in some ways more natural than his apathetic glower. With or without his consent, Levi's defences were slowly melting away, just like the beads of soap spiralling at their feet.

 

**_END CHAPTER 3_ **


	4. Making A Mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 4!  
> I'm foreseeing that this may be the second last chapter... I've begun chapter 5 and it's starting to feel somewhat final. If you think it should be otherwise let me know. Otherwise, please enjoy and thanks for reading! :)

____

The next time Levi and Eren saw each other was brought about, surprisingly enough, by a joint invitation. The second one came from Eren himself in the usual last-minute fashion. It was a text inviting Levi to a show the kid was playing with his band that evening at a bar called the Pheonix. Levi allowed himself a moment to wonder if they might ever know each other well enough that Levi could lecture Eren about proper planning. Inviting people to things last minute only worked if they weren't currently tied to a fulltime job with a changing schedule. Eren's ramshackle spontaneity definitely smacked of teenage languor.

Nevertheless, Levi had been able to book the night off in advance, thanks to, most unexpectedly, Hange. Three days after he and Eren disappeared from the party at Ymir's, Levi was surprised to receive an email from her inviting him to go to Eren's show together. He was confused. Hange was boning Erwin. Levi knew this as fact—he'd seen it with his own eyes, unfortunately—so why was she still contacting him? Maybe Hange had no idea he knew and wished to string him along as backup. Perhaps the way Hange defined relationship boundaries was far more radical than Levi had originally assumed. Either way, he wrote back with his assent almost instantly. Hange had her secrets, and so did he. Frankly, he didn't think he could wait very much longer to see Eren again, but he didn't have the nerve to ask the kid directly. Not yet, anyway.

Hange picked him up in a beat-up looking jeep and they drove down to the bar for nine. Levi had made sure to complete all of his social preparations before she arrived, so by the time he settled into her passenger's seat, buckling himself up with what looked like an old, waterlogged piece of rope, he was armed with a whole arsenal of conversation topics. He had made sure to craft each one so as to steer clear of anything relating to either of the two E's; or, more explicitly, the two people both of them were sort of cheating on one another with—that is, if you considered he and Hange as being together in any respect. Levi had no idea anymore.

Unfortunately, Hange wasn't quite so delicate in her choice of subject matter.

"Are you excited to see Eren perform again?"

Levi, who had been staring disinterestedly out the window at the time she posed her question, did his best to hide the fact that his pulse had nearly tripled. "Yeah, it should be cool."

"You really seemed to take to him that night at Erwin's," Hange carried on ruthlessly, checking her hair in the mirror. "The way you were looking at him sing was like you'd never heard music before."

"I was drunk. Anything would have seemed interesting to me at that point."

"You're really that impartial in your tastes, huh?" Hange reflected. "And here I was thinking he'd be right up your alley."

"Excuse me?"

"Well I mean, you're into rock, right?" Hange thought for a moment. "At least you seem like it, the way you dress. And Eren's music is kinda grungy—I mean, he's no Mikasa, but—"

"He's talented."  

 _"There_ we go!" Hange squealed, almost shattering Levi's eardrums. "People always reveal the truth when the time comes to defend something they care about."

Levi gave her a sort of withering look. "What are you, my shrink?"

"Oh, my rates are far too high for you, honey," Hange said, turning into the parking lot. "Besides, we're here."

Levi unbuckled his seat belt and turned towards her. He had a sudden compulsion for retaliation. "What about Erwin?" he asked pointedly. "Is he coming tonight?"

"Yup, he's probably already in there," Hange replied cheerfully. "He said he was going to come early to scout out the joint."

The woman was unconquerable. Levi gave up with a sigh.

They trooped down a long set of stairs, which were covered in old, ripped carpet, into a dingy hallway decorated with old movie posters. At the end of the hallway was a door, one third of which was obstructed by an out-of-service ATM. Levi was almost certain such a thing was against fire regulations.

They entered into a room which Levi was forced to assume was the bar. Only thing was, it felt much more like some kind of abandoned kitchen, or a backroom to the actual tavern they were supposed to be visiting. A bunch of fold-up chairs and tables were positioned around a pool table. There was no counter. Instead, there was a little window through which food and drinks alike were served from the cookery. A lone waitress stood near the window, observing the newcomers askance. Three people sat on a bench near the stage.

"Over here," Erwin called, waving at them from across the room. Hange went off to say hello while Levi solicited the waitress for a drink.

"Wow, it's pretty dead," Hange said. "I've never been here before."

"Apparently it picks up as the night goes on," Erwin informed them. Naturally, Erwin seemed to consider himself resident connoisseur of the city's nightlife. "The Pheonix used to compete with the Stallion and Horn just across the street. Eventually they thought it in everyone's best interests to stagger their shows so as to complement, rather than to diverge, their business. Thus, once the show gets out over there, I predict this place will fill up to the brim." Erwin picked up his wine and gave it a disdainful sniff. Levi was surprised he even consented to drinking it, seeing as it was served in a plastic cup. "Still, I wish the kid would've thought a little harder about venues. This is trashy—even for a punk show."

"I think it's fine," Levi found himself saying.

"Really?" Erwin raised a bushy eyebrow. "Each to their own, I suppose."

 _If he knew anything about rock and roll, he'd be mortified to be caught saying such things,_ Levi thought to himself. _The way he complains, he sounds like an old man._

With a start, Levi realized that he, Hange and Erwin were all the same age. Weren't they a little creepy to be hanging out with a bunch of nineteen-year-olds?

At least Erwin didn't try to act any younger than what he was. The college TA flaunted his outdated priggishness with shameless pride. Of all the hot, young girls that mingled around their friend group, he went after a woman who was actually his own age.

Levi could hardly boast such admirable moral standings.

Levi's internal agonizing was interrupted by voices echoing down the stairwell into the bar. There was a loud clunking sound, somebody yelled, and then a cymbal came crashing down the stairs, rolling into the bar like a loosed hubcap. Armin came running in three seconds later, glancing sheepishly into the kitchen, where the bar owner was cooking up an order of fries. The guy hardly noticed. Next entered Eren's drummer, hauling a bass drum and a high-hat stand, then Eren's bassist, with an amp in either hand. Logic increased the likelihood that the next person to come through the door would be—

Levi swirled his drink around in his hand and shuffled his feet. He didn't know what was more suspicious; to act distant or familiar. Probably it would have been best to behave casually, but seeing as he wasn't sure if he could even speak, the best he managed was distracted aloofness.

It was hard enough seeing Eren again, let alone encountering him in a group of curious onlookers. For two people who were smitten enough to steal away for heated bangs in Ymir's upstairs chambers, Hange and Erwin sure weren't paying very close attention to one another. It pissed Levi off. He'd been counting on the fact that they would be distracted enough by each other to give him some space to breathe. As it was, he felt like a specimen on an operating table.

"Drinking gin again, are we?" Erwin inquired.

"He isn't too picky," Hange interjected before Levi could reply. She patted the artist's shoulder. "But when left to his own devices, he'll devour highballs like candy."

"You take it neat?" Erwin asked, eying Levi's cup. "Not even ice? What a madman. And I thought I was a puritan."

"He isn't pure, he's simple."

Levi was beginning to feel some kind of pet.

"Are you doing any art these days?" Hange asked.

Levi endeavoured to tear his eyes away from the stage, where Eren had begun plugging mics into the PA system. "Uh, yeah."

"An artiste?" Erwin inquired. "And whatever do you do?"

"I paint," Levi responded honestly. Had he not been so scattered, he might've thought to give Erwin more lip, but as it stood, his mental capacities were entirely maxed out.

"So laconic," Erwin drawled, punching Levi in the shoulder. "Well, don't leave us hanging. What is it you paint?"

"Cityscapes. Buildings."

"That's what you're doing currently?"

Levi tore his gaze away to stare at Erwin curiously. "No, actually. I've been thinking of doing something a little different this time."

Erwin nodded with genuine interest. Levi was bewildered. If he didn't know better, he might have thought Erwin was actually being nice.

"Hey guys!" Eren gasped, clearly out of breath. "Sorry I didn't say hi earlier. The stage is a bit of a mess."

"You're managing to decipher it alright?" Hange asked.

"Yeah, thanks to Mikasa. Thank god she came." Eren gave Levi a little nod. "How's it going?"

"Good," Levi answered carefully.

"Thanks for coming out," Eren called over his shoulder, making his way back to the stage. Erwin wandered after him to inspect the labyrinth of wires leading to myriad amps and speakers. Mikasa crouched over a soundboard to the left, frowning furiously as she toggled various switches.

"He's a good kid," Hange remarked, stirring her straw.

"Sure."

"Did you guys know each other from before?"

"No," Levi said quickly.

"Sure could've fooled me," Hange laughed.

Levi frowned. Not only were Hange's remarks uncalled for, but, based on Eren's most recent greeting, they seemed grossly inaccurate. The kid's behaviour was not exactly how Levi thought someone might act after losing his virginity in a bout of fatuous passion. Really, it was even a little cool for the way someone might treat a friend.

"And you and Erwin?" he asked. "It seems like you guys know each other pretty well too."

"We've been friends for a while."

"Friends," Levi repeated sarcastically. "Really."

"Just what are you insinuating?" Hange demanded.

Once again, Levi's insecurities were beginning to flare up. What was he doing with these people? Did Hange have feelings for him or was she just using him? Why was Erwin being so friendly all of a sudden? Did they know about Eren? The only difference was that this time, his uncertainty spawned recklessness rather than escapism. He looked Hange square in the eye and said levelly, "I saw you guys fucking."

"No!" Hange gasped, covering her mouth. "Where?"

"At Ymir's."

"When?"

"I went looking for a washroom upstairs. I heard something at the end of the hall and went to see what it was."

"So you _watched us_?" Hange asked, practically jumping up and down where she was standing. "That's. So. Kinky."

"I didn't for very long," Levi clarified, the tips of his eyebrows curving upwards as though he were in slight pain. "Just long enough to get the gist."

"And what did you conclude?"

"...That the entirety of Erwin's body hair is concentrated in his eyebrows."

"You're kinda sick, aren't you?" Hange observed, her eyes shining in fascination.

"Maybe," Levi said with a sigh, glancing at the stage. Three tattoo-clad girls were chatting with the band. A pretty brunette with stretched ears had purchased Eren a beer and the two of them were laughing heartily about something. "So are you guys dating or what?"

"Erwin and I?" Hange asked incredulously. "Hell, no! We're just fuck buddies."

"I see."

"You don't seem bothered by the idea."

"Not really," Levi admitted.

"You aren't boiling over with typical jealousy."

"Nope."

"You don't care that your territory was threatened by another suitor."

"Not at all."

"You're so _interesting_!" Hange exclaimed, grinning stupidly. "I think we're going to make _great_ friends!"

Before Levi was made to respond, the band ripped into their first number. Erwin was right. At quarter past eleven the bar had flooded with people, a large proportion of which exhibited raging crushes on a certain green-eyed frontman. A cluster of groupies gathered around the stage, sipping drinks and bobbing their heads to the beat. Every now and then a mosh pit would break out in the centre. Levi now understood why the bar used fold-up furniture. Anything else would have been subject to damage in the cyclone of bodies that stormed the space every three minutes. Levi leaned against the wall, watching from a distance.

Halfway through the show Eren finally decided to make some introductory remarks. The kid was dripping in sweat, a sight not completely alien to Levi's eyes. Images of their past encounters surfaced in Levi's mind, leaving him weak in the knees. Now that Eren was the one on stage, commanding a room full of adoring fans, Levi felt oddly helpless.

"I just wanna thank my friends for coming out tonight!" Eren shouted, wriggling out of his t-shirt and using it to mop his face. One of the groupies whistled lasciviously. "Without you assholes I don't know where I'd be!"

The next song began and before Levi knew it, Hange was dragging him and Erwin out onto the dance floor by the wrists. A mosh pit broke out almost immediately and Levi found himself trapped in a flurry of sweat, breath and heat. Someone shoved him from behind and he slammed into a guy wearing a tank-top and a studded belt. The guy hardly seemed to notice. He was too busy trying to get a girl up onto his shoulders. Just as she had climbed onto his back, someone collided with him from the side, knocking her up onto the stage.

Eren was on it within moments. He scooped the girl up by the armpits and settled her back on her feet. She seemed a little stunned, but the moment she realized what had happened, her face broke out into a dazzling smile. She whirled around, grabbed Eren by the sides of the head, and planted a kiss right on his lips.

***

Erwin's house was just as Levi remembered it. Paintings of abstruse subject matter complemented intricately-carved shelves lined with leather-bound books. One of the windows was actually made of stained glass. The bedraggled guests of the after party lounged in the living room, smoking sheesha and listening to some girl plunking away on Erwin's guitar. The room was lit by an assortment of ornate lamps.

Any other time of his life, Levi would have been home already. Not only did he work at noon the next day, but he was absolutely done watching Eren flirt with millions of adoring fans. It had been a persistent theme throughout the course of the evening. Even so, for whatever reason, and to Levi's immense consternation, he couldn't seem to tear himself away. There was a nagging unrest within him that was far too insidious to remedy with the stoic comforts of solitude. Suddenly, the confines of his apartment seemed lonely rather than safe. Levi greatly resented whatever transformation it was that was happening to him.

Hange reclined on an enormous armchair, sipping tea and receiving a foot rub from Erwin. Jean and Armin were playing a haggard drinking game with an old deck of cards, and Eren was nowhere to be seen. Levi sat on the ground, to his astonishment, with a girl's head in his lap. Her hair was bright pink and her breath smelled of cherry vodka.

"So you're an artist?" she asked, drawing little circles in the carpet with her fingers.

Levi closed his eyes and listened to her speak about sculpture and society and creativity. Her words drifted into his mind the way background noise interferes with a deep sleep. All he could think about was where Eren had disappeared to and if he had done so alone.

Levi was weak with jealousy. He had been so worried about potentially violating Eren's innocence, it had never occurred to him that _he_ might have been the one being used. Levi liked Eren. He _really_ liked Eren, and in Levi's mind, he had a great resource of experience to draw upon when forming such an opinion. He'd slept with over twenty women in his life, none of whom had made him feel the way Eren did. It was awful.

Eren, on the other hand, hadn't slept with anybody before Levi. Even if he did claim to have feelings for the older man, how could Levi know that the sentiment was genuine? How could _Eren_ know? The boy had nothing to compare it to. It was easy enough to say that you liked someone when they were the only person you'd ever been with. Perhaps what felt so fathomlessly deep and momentous for Levi was in fact quite shallow for Eren.

There was also the possibility that all Eren had needed was a push. Now that he'd broken the ice sexually, he could go sleep with anyone of his choosing. Certainly he was attractive enough to do so.

Levi sighed, extricating himself from the pink-haired girl's clutches and going to find a washroom. As difficult as it was, he figured it was time to pack it in. He was far too single-minded to consider banging anyone other than Eren, and far too terrified to go looking for the object of his obsessing. He didn't think he'd be quite so level-headed upon discovering Eren in the throws of love-making with someone else. There were times when self-preservation trumped curiosity and this was one of them.

The washroom on the ground floor was occupied. Levi cursed, making his way up the stairs. The similarities to the debacle at Ymir's were ominous. Just as he reached the landing, a door to his left creaked open and Eren exited, flushed as though he'd been on a jog.

Levi's stomach immediately plummeted. "Hey," he managed, groping with the door to the washroom. He wanted to escape as quickly as possible.

"Hey," Eren replied, equally blunt in his delivery. Levi paused, frozen in place. Both of them stared at each other's feet.

"Good job with the show," Levi said flatly, doing his best not to theorize who else might be in the room whence Eren had exited.

"Thanks," Eren replied dully.

After a moment, Levi gestured towards the washroom. "Were you going to use this, or—?"

"Nah, it's all yours."

Levi slipped in and mindlessly took a piss. When he opened the door, he was surprised to find Eren standing exactly where he'd left him.

"I thought you didn't have to go."

"I don't."

Levi studied Eren's face. Suddenly it hit him. The image of Eren, breathless and flushed, gripping Levi's arms with two hands as he gave himself away for the first time—this image haunted Levi. Eren had given something that belonged uniquely to Levi. It was himself. Levi couldn't help but feel a sense of possessiveness over him.

"I see you made a friend."

"Oh," Levi said indifferently. "Not really."

"She's cute," Eren said, his voice cracking slightly.

"What about you?" Levi asked, crossing his arms. "What were you doing in there just now?"

"It's none of your business."

"What's your problem?"

"Me?" Eren asked, his voice escalating slightly. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

Levi sighed irritatedly.

"I just wish you wouldn't come around here anymore!" Eren blurted, his hands balling into fists. "Not if you're going to flirt with women in front of me all night! First you arrive with Hange and now it's this pink-haired chick. It's fucking awful to have to see!"

"What the—" Levi uncrossed his arms. "I already told you about Hange and Erwin. I'm not into her anyway. And as for that girl downstairs, what about you? You were smothered by groupies all night long!"

"I already told you," Eren said furiously. "I'm _gay_!"

"Okay—"

"But clearly you don't feel the same way," Eren lamented, his voice trembling. "You've fucked so many people it's probably all the same for you. Well, you know what? You probably should've told me that before taking me up to your apartment and—"

Eren covered his face with his hands and turned around. Levi suddenly wondered if there was another reason for why the kid's face was so flushed.  

"Were you crying in there?"

"I'm such a dumbass," Eren groaned, wiping his eyes.

Levi doubted Eren's feelings because of Eren's inexperience and Eren doubted Levi's feelings because of Levi's history. The two of them were struggling against a constant barrage of nosy friends, flirtatious girls, and the risk of compromising their reputations. They'd only just met two weeks ago, and Levi didn't even know if he swung that way, yet somehow they always seemed to end up alone at the end of the night, arguing heatedly over things that would have normally seemed trivial to Levi. For some reason, cast in the light of Eren's company, even the most mundane things became extremely important.

Levi pushed Eren back into the room and shut the door. Within moments their mouths were intertwined, sucking each other's breath away in desperate gasps. Eren tasted salty like tears.

"Wait—" Eren gasped, pushing Levi away. "You don't have to do this."

"Would you stop saying that?"

"I _can't_ keep doing this," Eren continued shakily. "Not when you're not even into guys."

Levi pushed Eren onto the bed and began undoing the boy's belt.

"I came up here for a reason," Eren said breathily. "I wanted to set you free."

"You can be so dramatic at times," Levi said, his voice muffled by Eren's boxers.

"I-I don't want you to feel obliged to t-take care of me. I'm not a ch-child."

"Eren," Levi said, tracing his tongue around the tip of Eren's cock. "I've been thinking about you all week."

"Liar!"

"I've been missing your taste..."

It was true. All throughout the week Levi was amazed to find himself fixating on the flavour of Eren's sweat, the taste of his mouth, and the essence that squirted out whenever Levi took him in his mouth. It was worse than thinking about food on an empty stomach or coffee after a sleepless night. The craving was overwhelming. It drove Levi to become someone entirely foreign to himself.

"I've been thinking about your question," Levi continued, crawling on top of Eren slowly. "And I'm not so sure anymore. What does it matter what I _am_? I know what I _want_..." His hair hung in his face, his eyes glinting through the fringe like silver flames. "And... I've also been thinking about something else..."

Eren swallowed. "What?"

"I've been wondering what it would feel like," Levi whispered, "to have you inside of me..."

Eren shivered so hard Levi felt it underneath him. There was a pause—almost like the moment in between a lightning bolt and the thunder—and then Eren moved, grabbing Levi by the sides and hurling him onto his back. Another tousle and Levi was on his stomach, bent over the side of the bed, shuddering as Eren reached around to undo his belt. Eren wrestled Levi's pants down, and then his underwear, and when Levi struggled to get up, Eren shoved him back down with a firm elbow.

"You're full of surprises," Levi panted, his face mashing into Erwin's bedspread.

"These things you say to me," Eren muttered, extricating something out of his wallet. "They're just not fair..."

Levi turned around and caught a glimpse of Eren ripping the plastic wrap off a small bottle. He barely had time to think before the lube was applied and Eren's fingers were shoved up Levi's ass.

"Jesus," Levi moaned through gritted teeth.

Eren worked his hand in and out until Levi felt himself beginning to relax. After a while, Eren reached over and pushed down on the small of Levi's back. "Tilt this upwards a bit."

Levi complied and was immediately steamrolled by one of the most intense sensations he'd ever felt.

"Ahhhh!" he cried out, seemingly unable to contain himself. "What are you—"

"You like that?" Eren asked, the corner of his mouth tipping upwards, almost sadistically. The kid's eyes were hazed over with dark focus. "That was much easier than I thought it would be."

Levi's indignation was immediately quashed as Eren penetrated him once again, grazing his prostate with slippery fingertips.

"Your cock," Levi gasped. All at once things that were once inconceivable were becoming absolutely necessary.

"What was that?"

"I want it," Levi muttered under his breath.

"You're going to have to say that a little louder—"

"Your fingers aren't long enough!" Levi moaned, grabbing the sides of the mattress. "I want you to fuck me with your cock!"

"Very well," Eren said softly.

Levi closed his eyes and waited. At this point he didn't even care if Eren hurt him. All he wanted was to feel _more._ He wanted to be filled with all of Eren. He wanted to hear the kid's moans as he used Levi's body to pleasure himself to orgasm. The artistic half of his mind even contended that he could die after such an act with no regrets.

"Fuuuuck," Eren groaned, entering Levi slowly. Levi could tell the kid's composure was beginning to slip.

"What are you waiting for?" Levi panted, arching his back. "Give it to me."

Eren didn't need to be told twice. He grabbed Levi's waist and thrust deep inside. Levi almost whimpered the pleasure was so intense. How had he never experienced this before? How many years had he been ignorant to the mysteries of his own body? It was only a minute later that he'd made an absolute mess of the side of Erwin's mattress. Still Eren persisted, hungry for his own release, and Levi clenched his jaw as a second wave of pleasure threatened to overtake him. It originated at the base of his spine, protracted over what felt like an eternity, climbing until Levi was crying out without a shred of inhibition. Eren gripped a handful of charcoal black hair and rode Levi until both of them were spent, soaked to the bone with sweat.

"Where the fuck," Levi panted, "did you learn to do that?"

"Just because I was a virgin doesn't mean I didn't do a little research," Eren said, catching his breath. "Let's just say hours of pent up solitude led to some pretty rigorous self-experimentation. I doubt I would've survived puberty without it..."

"Well, aren't I lucky..." Levi pulled up his pants and stood up. Almost instantly his knees buckled and he tumbled onto the floor.

"Are you okay?" Eren demanded.

"Oh my god, look at the mess we made," Levi observed, pointing at the bed.

"I'll try to find a clean sheet..."

"I bet everyone heard us downstairs."

"Meh." Eren shrugged.

"What about your groupies? It's bad for business..."

"I don't fucking care." Eren looked back and found Levi gazing up at him with such an imploring stare he began to giggle. "You don't have to worry," Eren said assuredly, rummaging around in Erwin's closet for linens. "They're all so drunk they probably won't remember a thing."

"Alright..."

Eren was wise for his age, but not wise enough to intuit the real reason for the look in Levi's eyes. The kid busied himself cleaning up the room while Levi turned his hands in his lap, contemplating what he was going to do next. Strangely enough, Levi barely thought about the fact that he'd just been fucked in the ass by a boy and loved it. His mind was busy mulling over his conversation with Hange earlier. She rejoiced in how 'sick' Levi was, both as an alleged voyeur and as a potential bisexual. But was Levi doing all of this because he was sick?

Or was it something else?

Could Levi, for the first time in his twenty-seven years on the planet, be falling head-over-heels in love?

 

**_END CHAPTER 4_ **


	5. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter was fun to write. I'm starting to feel like this Levi is much more like how Levi would have been before everything happened at the end of No Regrets. A younger Levi without all of his wounds; still damaged, but not as thoroughly as the Heichou we all know best.

 

Levi woke up, rolled over, and checked his phone.

Nothing.

The same as it had been yesterday and the day before that. It was frustrating, really, not knowing when he was going to see the brat again. It wasn't that Levi had all the time in the world to sit and twiddle his thumbs; one of the servers at the bar had quit without notice, so he had been working overtime all week. Really, today was the first day in a while where he actually had time to eat a proper breakfast.

Nevertheless...

When he really thought about it, Levi could count the number of times he and Eren had seen each other on one hand. There was the time they first met, the time at Ymir's, then the show last weekend; but, for some reason, it all seemed to melt together, leaving Levi feeling like it couldn't possibly have been just last month that they'd met. No, he'd always known Eren, right? So naturally, when the kid wasn't around, it was normal that Levi would feel like something was missing?

Regardless of whether his emotions could be explained, they still encumbered him in ways he was unaccustomed to. He'd lived for years without giving a shit about anybody. Change was a tricky thing. Part of him continued wanting to delete Eren's number from his phone and never having to think about it again, but he also knew it was too late. Such a thing was now impossible.

Levi still couldn't figure out how the kid had done it. He was everything Levi wasn't—outgoing, friendly, and casual. He had friends—not acquaintances or awkward one-night-stands—but _real friends._ Most times it seemed Armin and Mikasa would do anything to have Eren's back. Anybody would, really. Usually Levi despised people like that, who he deemed to be too easy or simple. So why was he spending the better part of his day wondering what Eren was doing? Why did he have to fight the compulsion to check his phone every ten minutes, only to be disappointed to find the same result? Eren was gorgeous, but so were a lot of people. Eren was sociable and friendly, traits that usually sent Levi running for the hills. So what was Eren that nobody had been, up to this point? What was it about him that was so special in Levi's eyes?

_I think you're cool._

Levi thought back to the time outside Ymir's when Eren had chased him down the block, accusing him of leaving without a proper goodbye.

_I'm sorry if I'm grossing you out. But I think you're really awesome._

There was something so awe-inspiring about the way Eren's golden skin darkened under duress. It wasn't like Levi, who blushed rosy-red against a lighter complexion. When Eren blushed, it was like a peach ripening in fast forward, or the sun setting behind a curtain of orange-pink clouds. It grazed the top of his nose like a mild sunburn. Coupled with the way he dropped his eyes, half out of embarrassment, half out of deference, and the slight hunch he adopted in his usually upright shoulders, Levi almost lost his breath at the _memory_ of it.

It made Levi remember other things too... more torturous things, like the smell of Eren's hair after a hot shower, damp with a combination of water and sweat; the shocked look in his eye whenever Levi began undressing, as though his greatest wish was about to come true...

The kid was too young to realize how he appeared, too brash to censor his own expressions for the sake of other people. Eren wore his heart on his sleeve. His emotions were there for all to see, but he didn't seem to care. He liked Levi and he wasn't ashamed.

Could it really be simple as that? Levi liked Eren because Eren liked Levi?

Sure, lots of people had found Levi attractive over the course of his lifetime. Even in junior high at the height of his outcast-dom he'd received confessions from a few girls. Near the end of highschool, when he'd finally figured out what not to wear and how to hold himself so as to exude that oh-so-enticing air of teenage apathy, it was as though someone had let down the floodgates to a secret reservoir marked _girls who like Levi Ackerman._ Girls hit on him in class. They winked at him in gym and followed him and his cronies around during lunch hour. Once graduated, he was invited to enough parties to keep him busy every weekend, and he revelled in it at first, like any recently-repressed youth would.

But after a couple years, the thrill inevitably began to wear off. It was exhausting constantly acting like someone he wasn't just to remain popular in the eyes of his peers. He got tired of banging people he didn't care about. He was broke and didn't want to sofa surf anymore, so he got a fulltime job in the service industry and earned his own apartment. The years passed and he slowly sunk back into the seclusion of his earlier years, leaving the confines of his room mostly only out of necessity.

An outside observer might have claimed that he had regressed. There he was, once a solitary loser, now improved, for no apparent reason deciding to turn around and throw all he had learned out the window. But Levi knew what had really happened. In his mind, he was the only one who knew. The truth was, he had never really changed. He was the same solitary loser as always, just encased in new trappings. It wasn't really _him_ they liked, but the new him he had created.

Even now, years after he'd given up the facade, he still wore the mask. The only difference was that he didn't care as much about outcomes. He wasn't trying to be popular; he was trying to survive. He didn't want to make hundreds of friends; he wanted to make it through his day. If he went to a party, he did so out of absolute need—and this was a need that he cursed regularly.

Life would be so much easier if he became a robot. He wouldn't be obliged to do any of the inane things humans do, like eating, sleeping, worrying, or being lonely. Alas, it wasn't that simple. Levi, like most people, got tired of sleeping alone sometimes. He wished he had someone to talk to after a bad day at work and he dreaded the prospect of a weekend with no plans. One night he even created an online dating account out of desperation, and that was where he had met Hange.

So what?

Levi kicked a rock, turning a corner towards the grocery store.

What was he driving at here? Was Eren special somehow? Was he the only one for whom Levi had decided to remove his mask?

No, that wasn't it. Levi was tough as nails. Even with someone as sweet as Eren, Levi kept his defences fully armed. No, no, it didn't have anything to do with Levi. It was one-hundred-percent Eren's doing. The kid had somehow managed to slip past the gate, but it wasn't anything so violent as shooting down walls or ripping off veils, leaving Levi naked and humiliated. Eren let Levi keep his mask. Eren knew the mask was there. He might've even suspected what was underneath it, but he didn't care. He was ready for Levi in whatever shape Levi chose to offer himself.

Levi got out his phone and typed out a text message.

_Are you free tonight?_

He paused, staring at the screen.

After a moment, he shut his phone without sending it. He wasn't ready. The way he felt inside was bad enough. The last thing he needed was for the kid to realize it too. If life had ever taught Levi anything, it was that precious sentiments were best kept to oneself. If a person was foolish enough to cast them in front of others, they would be undoubtedly snatched away, never to be seen again. And Levi didn't want to have to stop feeling this way. Not yet.

***

The weekend rolled around and Levi was amazed to find that he had been given Saturday and Sunday off. His manager was training two new people and needed them on the floor to get experience. Normally Levi would've rejoiced in the opportunity to catch up on sleep, but all it meant was more unoccupied time with which to agonize over his dilemma.

He considered asking Hange what she was up to, but he decided it was probably a bad idea given that he had zero intentions of pursuing her romantically. After their last conversation, he was uncomfortable with the degree of ambiguity that remained between them. He was loathe to leading people on. Not only was it a waste of their time, but a waste of his.

He spent Saturday morning scouring his apartment until the entire thing sparkled and gleamed. Once he was finished, he threw open all the windows and let a bright spring breeze blow away the smell of cleaning products. He poured himself a glass of wine and stood on the balcony, staring out at the city.

Eren, Eren, Eren.

Levi wanted Eren.

He wanted to feel Eren in his hands. He wanted to hear Eren gasping. He wanted to pull Eren's hair and to feel the rippling of his slender body. He wanted all of it right then and there in his newly laundered bed sheets.

Before he knew it Levi was back in his bedroom, lying on his back, undoing his belt with trembling hands. He pulled himself out and immediately began stroking himself up and down, closing his eyes. His breath came in frantic, sharp inhalations. Usually when he touched himself he covered his eyes with a hand or a scarf or a pillow, so he could block out all evidence of his own existence. He didn't like thinking of himself in such an awkward situation. Sometimes, if he was feeling rigid enough, he would go as far as to plug his ears before he started, but today, he was far too aroused to take the trouble.

No matter how loud he gasped, how awkward the sound of his hand moving up-and-down was, he was nothing without his lover. He could scream and moan and cum all over the sheets, but he would remain invisible unless Eren was there to witness it. His desire for the boy transcended petty notions like insecurity or self-consciousness. There was nothing but hunger. The tragedy of his shame paled in comparison to the tragedy of his emptiness. He wanted Eren inside him, fucking him like a whore. He wanted to ride the brat until he felt himself spasming deep inside him, watching as he—

Levi moaned, arching his back as he came. He pressed his heels into the side of the bed as the orgasm peaked, eventually breaking off into even pulses.

"Fuck," he sighed, going slack against the sheets. He closed his eyes. There was no denying it.

_I miss him._

Levi spent the rest of the day surfing social media and feeling like shit about himself. Eren had been tagged in three photos from the night before. It looked like he, Armin and Mikasa had gone out for late night dim-sum at a 24-hour joint in Chinatown. Levi wondered what the kid had been doing before that. He wondered why Eren had the time to like the photo and RSVP to three events but not to send Levi a text. He wondered what Eren's plans were for tonight. He wondered if Eren even remembered who he was.

He drifted off on the sofa, lying on his side. His laptop was open on the coffee table. The glass of wine remained unfinished after all these hours, hot and sticky in the summer heat. All that Levi had eaten that day was a small bowl of cereal. He wasn't hungry. He was rendered weak by the current situation, too weak to even ridicule himself for his foolishness. He might have wept had he had the strength, but all he could do was wait.

Hours passed and he dozed, enjoying the only relief he could find by becoming unconscious. When he awoke he was covered in sweat. His t-shirt clung to his body like a bathing suit. He stripped it off and tossed it to the side, groaning as he stalked to the washroom to take a piss. When he returned, he picked up the wineglass and sat in the darkness, staring at the wall. He felt like a baby bear lost in the woods without its mother. He daren't move, lest something hear his footsteps and come to eat him up.

His phone buzzed.

Levi stared at it across the room, afraid to check to see who it was. He was petrified of the disappointment he was almost guaranteed to feel. His expectations had created a deep resentment towards anyone who decided to text him who was not Eren.

The phone buzzed again.

Levi set down his glass and walked slowly towards the counter, like an investigator might towards an unidentified corpse. He stared in morbid rapture as his phone began to ring, vibrating over and over. It hardly felt real when he swiped the screen and held the phone to his ear, knowing before they spoke whose voice was going to ring out like a bell, winding its way through the air waves, dancing through lofty telephone towers, transformed into various data states and delivered at last into the willing canals of Levi's eardrum.

"Hello?"

"Hey," Levi said softly, impelling his voice to remain even.

There was a pause. "How are you?"

"Good," Levi answered automatically. He glanced at the microwave clock. It was ten o'clock—too late for an invitation, but too early for a drunken bootie call. What was the kid doing phoning him at a time like this?

"What are you up to?" Eren asked nonchalantly.

"Just enjoying my night off."

"I see."

There was a long moment of silence.

"What about you?" Levi asked quickly, realizing it was only polite to return the question. "Do you have anything planned?"

"Not really," Eren replied with a sigh.

Levi was stumped. For the life of him he couldn't figure out what the kid wanted. It might have been obvious to an outside observer, but Levi was thrown off by having spent his entire afternoon drowning in fantastical catastrophizing. Now that Eren was right there on the other end of the telephone it felt surreal, almost like being visited by the main character in a favourite fiction novel.

"What did you do last night?"

"I worked," Levi grunted.

"But you don't work tonight?"

"Nope. I have tomorrow off, too."

"I see."

The conversation was incredibly mundane and yet seemed replete with hidden meanings. Levi shuffled uncomfortably, running a finger along the countertop.

"Why aren't you playing a show?"

"Oh, we only play once a month tops. We don't want to exhaust our audience." Eren paused. "Why aren't you seeing Hange?"

"There wasn't a party."

"Ah." Eren sighed again. "Such a boring weekend."

It was true. Levi realized that this was the first weekend in a long time that he hadn't gone out partying in some respect. He couldn't remember the last Saturday where he hadn't been hungover or underslept. It felt oddly depressing.

"Well, maybe next weekend will be better."

"Yeah," Eren said flatly. After a moment, he continued, "Well, I guess I'll talk to you later."

The words felt like a knife had been stabbed into Levi's gut. He gripped his phone, his fingers suddenly vicelike.

"Hey..."

"Yeah?" Eren asked quickly, almost abruptly.

"Did you want to..." Levi cleared his throat. "Did you want to grab a coffee or something?"

"Yes!" Eren exclaimed. Then, quickly, "Wait, did you mean tonight, or—"

"Yeah." Levi ran a hand through his hair. "Tonight."

They met at a little cafe just down the block from Levi's apartment. Levi showered a quickly as he could before tearing out the door and down the elevator. Only when the cafe appeared in sight did he slow his pace, suddenly hesitant.

The kid was already in there, sitting by the window with a pot of tea. Levi's breath caught in his throat. It was hard to imagine someone so good-looking being real. Eren wasn't particularly stylish, tending towards plain t-shirts with jeans and a pair of runners. He was the kind of guy who only dressed up when he was going to be on stage. What made him so utterly outstanding was just _him;_ his face, with its vivid green eyes and arched eyebrows; his sculpted, slender body; and the shape of his hands. Everything about him was perfect. Levi slipped in without him noticing and bought a coffee, fumbling with his wallet as if it were a giant clump of wet clay.

Drink in hand, he slowly made his way to the window. The cafe was pretty packed, being the only one in that area that was open past midnight. Harried students hunched over, alone, scowling at their laptops, sipping espresso and mining through giant stacks of articles. A group of pretty school girls crowded around the counter, drinking soda pops and giggling secretively. They were probably too young to get into the clubs. Two elderly women sat near the window playing chess, murmuring bits of conversation to one another in between their strategizing. It was amazing they were even able to hear one other what with the coffee grinder, the cafe jazz and the barista yelling out drink orders.

Levi's heart was going a mile-a-minute. He didn't even know what he was going to say as a greeting. What was Eren thinking?

It was as if Eren felt Levi coming. Levi was still three tables away when the boy turned around. Their eyes locked and suddenly Levi could hardly breathe. Eren's face broke into a radiant smile.

"Hey, over here!" He waved.

"I see you," Levi muttered, setting down his drink. His face felt like it might break, it was taking such an effort to maintain his guise of equability. After a moment he hazarded to glance up at Eren once more. The boy was beaming. Levi felt the corner of his mouth give a rebellious twitch.

"Wow, I..." Eren shook his head. "It feels like it's been forever since I've seen you."

_I know. It feels like it's been years._

"I didn't take you for much of a tea person."

"I'm not," Eren laughed. "I do like earl grey, though."

_You're so fucking cute it makes me ache all over._

"How did you get here so fast?" Levi sipped his coffee. "Don't you live up near the college?"

"I drove."

"Drove? I didn't know you had a car."

"Oh, it's not mine. It's my mom's."

_I wonder if she expects you home tonight._

The two of them chatted about little things, like how Eren was enrolled in open studies at the university and what classes he was taking, or what Levi's boss was like, or what was better, coffee or black tea. Levi savoured each new piece he learned about Eren's life like a ration handed out in wartimes. Things were so uncertain. There was no guarantee when he might see Eren next, or if he would even ever see him again. They were two guys. They had fucked a couple times, but they didn't know anything about each other. Eren was six years younger. Levi tried his best to live in the moment, enjoying it for what it was, but his mind kept nagging at him, asking questions like, _what does he want?_ and _does he feel the same way as I do?_

"Just to let you know, we're closing in ten minutes," a barista interjected, clearing away Eren's dishes. Eren nodded his thanks and the both of them fell silent.

"I can't believe it's almost one," Levi said, checking his watch. "The time went by so quickly."

"I know." Eren dropped his gaze. He suddenly appeared downcast.

"What is it?"

"I was just thinking about how little I know about you."

It was an interesting sentiment given they'd just spent the past two hours telling each other many a detail about one another's lives. Even more interesting was how Levi felt exactly the same way.

"Does it bother you?"

"Yeah," Eren said softly. "You could just disappear one day."

"What are you talking about?"

Eren sulked.

"You have my number," Levi pointed out. "You know where I live."

"None of that matters... if you don't want me."

"Don't want you?" Levi sputtered, nearly gagging on the last sip of his coffee. "What the hell?"

"Never mind," Eren said quickly, standing up. "I'm being stupid. Let's go." He waved cheerfully at the barista and was halfway out the door when Levi caught his arm.

"Don't go running off."

"I wasn't running away, the cafe is closing—"

"You know what I mean." Levi fixed him with a stormy glare. "Answer the question. What the hell did you mean back there?"

"I... I..." Eren wrung his hands. "I just get these moments where I'm really dramatic and dumb. You should ignore it."

The two of them were pushed out into the street by a hoard of exiting guests. They began to walk down the avenue with no set destination, tacitly shying away from the necessity of saying goodbye to one another. The bars and clubs were beginning to pour out, filling the streets with drunken hooligans.

"You said I didn't want you."

"I was being stupid."

"You still said it."

"I've never dated anyone before, okay?" Eren blurted. "I don't know how these things work!" A couple girls up ahead turned around and he blushed, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"Give me a fucking break."

"It's true!" Eren exclaimed. "I still haven't even come out to my parents yet."

"You said you took a girl to prom."

"I had to, otherwise everyone would've known."

"And what about the classmate you dated for a year in grade eleven?"

"Again, that was mostly because she was so pushy—"

"So you've dated."

"Not really," Eren said stubbornly. "Not anyone I actually liked."

Levi frowned. "What is it you're afraid of?"

"Never seeing you again." Eren paused, his blush deepening. "Never being able to do it with you again."

"Eren," Levi said under his breath, leaning in so that only the boy could hear. "Just before you called I touched myself thinking about you."

Eren swallowed. "Really?"

"I thought about how incredible you feel inside."

Eren stared ahead, seemingly transfixed by Levi's words.

"And how hard I came when you fucked me in the ass."

"S-so you don't think it's gross that I'm a g-guy?"

"For fuck's sake," Levi groaned. "You're still going on about that?"

"It isn't my fault. You've fucked lots of girls before."

"Yeah," Levi replied, "but none that I really liked. You should understand. You just said the same thing about yourself."

"Dating is different from fucking."

"Jesus Christ! What can I say to make you believe me?"

It really did seem absurd to contest such a thing when Levi had spent the better part of five days jerking off to memories of Eren, longing for the kid's scent and the sound of his voice. It was like trying to explain to somebody that the sky was blue. It was so obvious it was actually difficult to make a case for it.

"Would it help you to know that I used to watch some gay porn?" Levi asked, glancing over his shoulder discreetly.

"REALLY?"

"Just a little here and there," Levi backtracked reflexively.

Eren's eyes were shining like freshly buffed peridot. "You mean it?"

 _You'd think I'd just offered to buy him a new car or something,_ Levi thought to himself. He grimaced, the tips of his eyebrows curving upwards. "Yes, now can we please keep it down? There are tons of assholes around, and—"

"DOUCHEBAGS!"

The two of them spun around with an incriminating degree of alarm, only to find none other than Armin, Jean, and Eren's drummer strolling along the other side of the street. They were clearly hammered.

"Oh, shit," Eren said under his breath.

"What's up?" Jean asked, having successfully jaywalked to their side of the road. "We're so wasted, the show at the Tower was incredible, you should have seen—" he paused, appraising Eren with renewed bewilderment. "Wait, what are you doing here? You said you couldn't come out because you had a family thing—"

"Hey, Eren. Hey, Levi!" Armin smiled sloppily. "Nice to see you again!"

"Dude," Jean interrupted, eying Levi suspiciously. "What happened to your family dinner—?"

"I did have a family dinner, but it ended early," Eren hurriedly explained. "I had to drive someone home—"

Levi gritted his teeth. The kid didn't realize that he was only going to make it worse. The more Eren tried to explain the situation logically, the deeper he was going to dig himself into a hole. If he had had the time to spare, there were very few reasons why Eren would have chosen to call Levi for a coffee instead of meeting with his friends for a show, all of which were bathed in dubiousness.

"We were actually headed to the Tower when we realized the show was probably finished," Levi interrupted. "We stepped into a bar and got sidetracked."

"Too bad," Armin sighed, resting his drunken head on Eren's shoulder. "Eren would've loved the guitar player."

Jean wasn't so easily redirected. "You could've texted us."

"What am I, your child?" Eren questioned.

"Fuck no!" Jean snickered. "I'd kill myself if that was the case."

"Good riddance, I say."

Jean might have had lasting suspicions, but either he was too drunk or too proud to pursue them any farther. He didn't ask any more questions, but his eyes trailed over Levi a little longer than Levi thought was normal. Luckily his protectiveness for Eren was fuelling a steely impregnability in him. He returned Jean's stare with a dark smile.

"Well, we were just gonna catch a cab," Jean said, breaking Levi's gaze. "You fuckers wanna party at Ymir's?"

"It's all good man, you guys have a good time," Eren replied.

"How the fuck are you gonna get home?" Jean demanded.

"I'm gonna drive," Eren answered simply. Levi groaned internally. Unlike Levi, the kid was awful at lying.

"But you've been drinking!" Jean accused.

"No I haven't," Eren railed back, beginning to bristle with annoyance. "Where did you get that idea?"

"Levi just said you guys were drinking at a bar!"

"Oh," Eren said, caught off guard. "Well, I had a coffee, so—"

"You are acting so weird man," Eren's drummer observed. "Why would you drink coffee in a bar?"

Levi was amazed they were being so nosy. If he'd been as drunk as them, he wouldn't have cared less about the details of one of his buddy's goings-on. Though, he supposed he'd never had a core friend group like them, so he didn't really know how these things were supposed to go.

"Uh..." Eren scratched the back of his head, apparently out of ammo.

Miraculously, Armin seemed to take a hint. "Get off his back, guys," he said jokily, punching Jean's arm. "We all know how crazy the family life can be. Cut him some slack."

"Whatever," Jean scoffed, ruffling Eren's hair. "You sure you don't wanna come get wasted?"

"No man, I can't."

"Fine, be lame then." Jean glanced at Levi fleetingly. "Have fun, losers!"

It wasn't long before the three of them had flagged down a cab and vanished. Eren and Levi stood under a line of flower baskets, stunned in the wake of their departure.

"You didn't tell them why you couldn't go."

"Shit," Eren cursed.

"You should have gone with them. It would've solved everything."

"Probably."

There was a silence.

"So you _did_ have plans tonight?"

"With my family?" Eren asked mindlessly. "No, that was a lie."

Levi couldn't help it—he began to chuckle. It was just so hilarious.

"What are you laughing at?" Eren demanded, balling his hands into fists.

"You're just so funny," Levi gasped, trying to control himself.

"Funny? What do you mean?"

"You really shouldn't tell lies if you can't keep them straight."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"You told me you didn't have any plans tonight and that's why you wanted to meet up." Levi studied Eren's face. "But it turns out your friends had invited you out to a show."

Eren flushed crimson.

"So am I right in thinking that you put your plans with them on hold..."

Eren stared furiously at the ground.

"...to see if you could come hang out with me?"

"W-well, I..."

Levi couldn't wipe the grin off his face. He didn't think he could feel more elated if he tried. He could've pointed out how Eren had foolishly wandered down the very same street his friends were most likely to be pouring out onto, or all the clumsy ways in which Eren had attempted to cover for them when faced with Jean's scrutiny, but Levi's goal wasn't to humiliate Eren—he merely wished to relive the details that delighted him. These were details that assuaged the worries that had tormented him for the better part of the past week.

"You're fucking adorable," Levi muttered.

"Shut up," Eren muttered, shoving his hands even deeper into his pockets. "Can we just go back to your apartment already?"

***

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about," Levi remarked, tipping Eren's face up by his chin. The two of them were sitting on Levi's bed, kneeling face-to-face. Ever since the interaction down near the Tower, the kid had found it exceedingly difficult to meet Levi's eye.

"I'm sorry," Eren said quietly.

Levi stared into Eren's face. A moment later, he leaned forward and kissed him. Eren moaned at the touch of Levi's lips, leaning forward quickly. Their teeth clacked together and Eren giggled self-consciously, but Levi didn't seem to notice. He sucked Eren's upper lip until the boy's laughter subsided, replaced by short gasps. Levi stripped off Eren's pants and underwear and pulled him into his lap. Eren began to grind against Levi's boxers. Levi groaned, biting Eren's lip unforgivingly.

Levi set the bottle of lube down and slid his fingers under, supporting them on one of his own thighs.

"Y-you're fingers," Eren gasped weakly. "C-can I please—"

Levi gripped Eren's shoulder with his free hand and coaxed the boy downwards. Eren lowered himself onto Levi's hand and began to roll his hips, letting out short, clipped yelps of pleasure. It was incredible to feel the way Eren's body contracted so intimately, so vividly. Levi moved his free hand upwards and embedded it in Eren's hair, pulling until he could see Eren's full face. Levi's silver glare pervaded the darkness, making Eren feel quite naked, even though both of them were still wearing their shirts.

Little did Eren know that Levi was revealing more than he had ever revealed to anybody. In Eren's presence, Levi felt entirely exposed.

_I love you._

The thought resonated in his mind like a chime, signalling a coming storm.

And then Eren was beneath him, and there was no time left for Levi to chastise himself, and Eren's breath was in Levi's lungs, and their shirts were rucked up, revealing sticky portions of their quaking abdomens which ground together, hips pressing against thighs over-and-over, Levi's boxers wound around one of his ankles...

_I love you._

...And Eren's abandon fell away once more, and his arms stretched far over his head, clutching greedy handfuls of Levi's duvet, and Levi's oil-slicked fingers tugged Eren's nipples in little circles...

...And Levi felt himself disintegrating, and as he did, he glanced up, his mouth gaping with pleasure, his brow furrowed deep, and found Eren's gaze fixed on his own, his intensity met with a scathing vulnerability more penetrating than any sentiment Levi could ever unearth from his cold, wretched heart...

_I fucking love you._

...And in that moment, Levi's thoughts could no longer contain themselves within the confines of his guilty mind. He grabbed either side of Eren's head and pressed their foreheads together, closing his eyes in a final surrendering.

"I love you."

That was it. The kid had won. Levi, for the first time in his life, had chosen to leap without looking. Perhaps that was because with love, there was no way to look. There was no way to know how the other person truly felt. For Levi, even at the best of times, it felt like a gamble. Maybe it always would. Perhaps he was too damaged to ever trust as blindly as others could.

But thankfully for Levi, Eren wasn't quite the same.

"I love you too, Levi!" he gasped immediately, grabbing Levi's arms. "I fucking love you!"

Levi orgasmed in a deluge of sorrow and fear and ecstasy as he had never known.

 

**_END CHAPTER 5_ **

****

 


	6. Bittersweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a trickier chapter to write, mostly because of the issues it deals with. I think I succeeded for the most part in painting a realistic yet hopeful situation. I'm guilty of liking happy-ish endings—not that this is the end of the story or anything.

 

"But, Levi..."

Levi leaned against the cold concrete wall outside his work and stared mindlessly as a guy in a corvette tried to park in between two enormous trucks. He hardly saw what he was looking at.

"I dunno, kid," he replied finally, shifting the phone in his hand. "It just doesn't seem like a very good idea to me. You said you haven't even come out to your parents yet. What are all your aunts and uncles going to think if you show up and your supposed date turns out to be a strange, twenty-six-year-old man—"

"I didn't tell them not because they wouldn't be cool with it or anything!" Eren blustered on the other end of the phone. "It's just, there was no reason to bring it up before—"

"It's a pretty big thing to leave unsaid."

"I didn't have anything to say in the past." Eren paused. "I didn't have anyone to tell them about in the past."

Levi sighed, long and defeatedly. In his heart he knew he was going to give in, but not without first voicing his very reasonable objections. Levi still wasn't convinced the brat knew what he was doing. Eren's parents were throwing an end-of-the-year party for Mikasa, who had recently been accepted into the honours program. All of Eren's extended family were invited, along with Erwin, Hange, and the rest of Eren and Mikasa's enormous friend group. Eren's parents had encouraged Eren to bring a date of some kind, and now, Eren was asking if Levi wanted to be that person.

The short answer was _hell no._

Levi was terrible at family things. Fuck, he was terrible at any kind of social thing, so how was he supposed to pull off being Eren's plus-one at what sounded like a gigantic family reunion? Levi couldn't envision a better setting in which to become a public spectacle. If Eren's parents had encouraged their son to bring a _date,_ and Eren showed up with Levi, that was sure to raise an eyebrow or two. Not to mention the fact that several of Eren's friends already seemed to suspect something. Jean's interrogations last month in front of the Tower were a shining example of why Eren's proposal was a horrible idea.

"So are you going to tell them I'm your date?"

"No. I'll just bring you."

"They're going to know!" Levi snapped, readjusting his work apron.

"How?"

"Well, who else could I be? Think about it. They ask you to bring a date and you show up with me. Then there are your friends to worry about. I'm sure most of them are wondering why I keep turning up at their parties, anyway."

"Because you're part of the crew."

"Am I?" Levi grimaced. "I met Hange through some online dating site. Apart from you, she's my only connection to the scene, and now that she and I aren't even dating—"

"I certainly hope you aren't."

Levi threw back his head and silently shook his fist at the sky.

"If you really don't want to come, though..."

"Nah, I'll come," Levi grunted. "But could you please at least give your parents a warning?"

"I'll try," Eren said doubtfully.

Levi could not for the life of him understand the kid's reasoning. Eren was too nervous to sit his parents down and tell them he was gay, but he was prepared to crash their family reunion with Levi as his date, in front of the austere gaze of his entire extended family. The kid recognized how easily Jean had become suspicious when Eren bailed on their party plans, yet contended that nobody would notice Levi standing by his side the entire evening at a formal event. It was idiotic. It was _absurd._ Levi almost wondered if Eren had some ulterior motive, but he doubted it. The boy was too bull-headed for such cunning. Whatever the case, Levi wasn't going to let Eren down. If Eren really wanted Levi there, Levi would go.

He just felt sorry for the person who decided to bully Eren for his choices. Levi couldn't care less about his own dignity, but if somebody decided to give Eren a hard time, Levi couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't lose his shit on them. He also sincerely hoped it wouldn't come to that. Even though Levi was wont to treating domestic obligations with as much apathy as he could muster, part of him really did care what Eren's family thought. The kid was young. He still lived with his parents. If Levi became disfavourable in their eyes, it would make it hard for them to keep seeing one another. Levi didn't want that to happen. He also understood that in order to prevent it, he would have to put his apathy on the shelf for a change. He would have to _care_.

Put simply, Levi didn't want to fuck up.

It would also be a lie if Levi said he wasn't at all curious about the event. When Levi claimed to never have had a family, it didn't mean his parents had been neglectful or cold. It literally meant that he had had _no family._ He had been given up for adoption as an infant and spent the better part of his childhood passed from one foster home to the next. Eventually he tired of the emotional roller coaster and ran away. One day he ended up in a police station after filching a box of taquitos from the local grocery store and just when it looked like he might have landed himself in juvie, a long-lost uncle showed up to bail him out.

The guy's name was Kenny and he was just about as warped as Levi was damaged. They made an okay pair—okay enough for Levi to stumble his way through the rest of his adolescence, emerging out the other side with a highschool diploma and a set of reasonable—albeit rugged—morals. Levi loved Kenny in his own twisted way, but Kenny was no replacement for an enriched upbringing. Levi thought it might be interesting to see what one of those was actually like. He also suspected Eren's family was more than qualified to assuage Levi's curiosities in the matter.

The way Eren behaved reeked of a good childhood. He had childhood friends. He had happy childhood memories. Maybe it wasn't all perfect, but to somebody like Levi, anything would have been better than his own situation. Levi had had to fight for every piece of merit he possessed. He had taken out student loans to go to art college and paid off his debts working service jobs. The only small piece of help he'd ever received was from Kenny, in the form of stale pizza pops, frosted flakes, and beer-infused advice. It was no wonder Levi detested junk food now. He had worked himself to the bone to extricate himself from the darkness of his past, emerging a functional clean-freak with passable social skills. It was actually a miracle. Many other people in his shoes would've ended up dead.

He didn't hold it against the kid, though. Eren's privilege was of the most palatable kind. He was generous, not snobby. He didn't have an arrogant bone in his body. All of his outbursts were driven by genuine emotion, with a ridiculous degree of passion. As a sulky teenager, Levi might have even looked down on someone like Eren. Blinded by his own insecurities, Levi might have mistaken Eren's openness for naivety, and he might not have been wise enough to see that his own derision was borne out of envy. Thank god they'd met when Levi was older.

As the day grew nearer Levi became increasingly reticent about attending. The event was to be held at the Yeagers' summer home just outside of the city limits. There were going to be hors d'oeuvres, musicians, and maybe even dancing.

"Why does it have to be so god-damned formal?" Levi asked one night, tracing circles on Eren's stomach with his finger. "It isn't like she's getting married or anything."

"Oh, it isn't just for Mikasa. We do this every year in June."

"Every year?" Levi questioned incredulously. "Why?"

"It's usually the time when my parents book time off work for vacationing. They like to spend at least some time at the cabin every year. What's the point in having one if you never use it?"

Levi smiled wryly. "I guess."

"It'll be fiiiiiine," Eren assured, patting Levi's head. Levi swiped his hand away lazily. "You'll get to see where I used to build mud pies by the brook. And it'll be so cozy sleeping in my old room together—"

Levi made a weird sputtering noise. " _Sleeping in your old room_ —?"

"Of course," Eren replied simply. "It's a party, Levi. There's gonna be drinking. We always open up all the guest rooms so that people don't have to drive—"

"There's no way!" Levi sat up, running a hand through his hair. "Absolutely not."

"What's the problem?"

"Your parents haven't even met me and you expect them to be okay with you and I sleeping together in the same room?" Levi gasped. "Eren, you need to get your head checked."

Eren frowned. "I don't see what the big deal is. As long as we act natural about it everything will turn out fine."

Levi shook his head. He might have argued if they hadn't already had the same conversation three times that week. One thing seemed certain: the kid just wasn't going to face the facts. Levi had no idea why, but he knew it was too late to back out. He'd already agreed to drive out with Hange and Erwin. He'd already booked time off work. He'd already picked out clothes, and apparently, he'd already been added to the banquet list. He might not have cared as much if it weren't for the fact that he was steadily becoming increasingly infatuated with his younger counterpart. The stakes were high.

 _It's only two days,_ he told himself. _No matter how fucked up it is, it'll only be two days..._

Saturday morning came and Levi awoke to a chipper knock at his door.

"What the fuck?" he groaned, dragging himself out of bed. As he passed the counter he flicked on the coffee machine. Something told him he probably wasn't going to be sleeping any longer that morning.

"Hi," Hange said, waving unnecessarily in his face. Levi groaned once more and turned around, stumbling back into his apartment. His only courtesy was that he hadn't shut the door in her face.

"Got a nice place here," she remarked cheerfully, assessing the environs with her hands on her hips. "It's a little minimalist for my tastes, but each to their own..."

"It's _definitely_ too minimalist," Erwin interposed, stepping through the doorway with his usual cavalier air. "Almost barren, if I may—"

"If you're going to come inside my apartment," Levi breathed through gritted teeth, "take off your god-damned boots and put them on the mat."

Erwin snickered. "Somebody's in a good mood."

Hange helped herself to Levi's dishware and served them three cups of Levi's coffee. Meanwhile, Levi prowled back to his room and began getting dressed. Thankfully everything else was already packed. As usual, his facility in organization grossly outweighed his facility in socializing.

"Hurry up," Erwin whined from the kitchen. "We're going to be late."

"You were supposed to arrive one hour from now," Levi countered.

"Yeah, well plans change."

"A phone call would have sufficed." Levi would have to remember to reprimand Eren for giving those two his address. "How did you get into the building?"

"The usual way," Hange said. "We snuck in."

Levi emerged and the two of them turned around to appraise him.

"Well that looks nice!" Hange exclaimed. "Where did you get it?"

Levi shrugged. He didn't feel like talking about the past just then. The suit was something he'd been forced to buy for his college graduation and it was the only one he owned. He could see such an admission paving the way for dozens more annoying questions.

"You do clean up well," Erwin remarked with genuine surprise. He didn't seem to realize that his disbelief could have come off as mildly offensive to someone who actually cared about their fashion. Thankfully Levi didn't give one fuck.

"Can we leave?" he asked annoyedly, snatching up the coffee mugs and placing them in the sink with care. He would have to rinse them when he got home, whenever that was destined to be.

The three of them piled into Hange's jeep. Levi hung behind so that Erwin could jump in the front. Levi just wanted to hide in the back and listen to music on his phone. To his chagrin, the university TA seemed hell-bent on making Levi's morning as unbearable as possible. Erwin slipped into the backseat like an eel and rolled down the window, fixing Levi with a smug grin. Nothing would have convinced Levi that Erwin didn't know what he was doing.

"How far away is it?" Levi asked once they made it to the highway. The coffee was beginning to take effect and he felt slightly more inclined to correspond with fellow members of his species. It also helped that it was a stunning morning. The sun had risen, casting roiling pillars of light throughout an ocean of listless clouds. Hange rolled her window down and the air smelled like freshly-cut grass.

"About an hour," Hange replied.

"Are you excited?" Erwin asked.

"Sort of," Levi allowed, folding his hands in his lap. "It should be fun."

It was actually amazing he wasn't losing his shit at that moment. In the past, if two people had called upon him before he was ready, _without warning_ and _at his own apartment_ , he would have completely shut down, but here he was riding along in the same car as them in generally good spirits. Maybe something about Eren was beginning to rub off on him.

"We're happy you could make it," Erwin said simply.

Once again Levi was taken aback by Erwin's kindness. He genuinely didn't know how to respond. Fortunately he didn't have to. Hange smiled and turned up the radio, cranking some alternative rock station, and the three of them sunk into a comfortable silence. Levi was suddenly glad to be riding out with those two. As much as he adored Eren, he didn't know if he could've handled an entire hour confined in a small space with all the brat's friends. It was nice being around people of his own age—at least while he was feeling so delicate and sleepy. He wagered the atmosphere in Eren's car would've been a little less serene.

He began to become so attached to the tranquility in Hange's jeep that when they turned off onto Eren's road, Levi almost felt disappointed.

The cabin turned out to be more of an estate. It rose through thickets of birch and willow, a creamy off-white colour that reminded Levi of old castles. There was a legitimate port at the front where supposed limousines could drop off wealthy guests before their arrival was announced by a stoic doorperson. To Levi's relief, Hange pulled around back instead to a small lot and parked beside a garden.

"You've been here before?"

"Every year," Hange replied blithely.

"And is it..." Levi cleared his through. "Okay?"

Hange and Erwin exchanged a look. After a moment, Erwin leaned forward between the seats. "It's an experience," he said, raising an eyebrow, "that is not altogether unpleasant."

Levi didn't know what the hell that was supposed to mean, but he didn't have too much time to mull it over. The three of them were soon wandering up the garden path to a back entrance, where a butler awaited them in uniform. He took their bags and directed them to a gallery up the stairs, where the guests were enjoying tea. Levi willed himself to stop worrying about the whereabouts of his personal possessions. It didn't help that he'd packed condoms and lube just in case. If the butler were as audacious as to go rifling through Levi's bag, he was sure to form some rather interesting opinions of his first-time guest.

"Wait for it," Erwin muttered into Levi's ear.

"Well hello there!" a man exclaimed as they passed through an archway into the gallery. He approached them with a bright smile. "Hange, Erwin, and you must be— **"**

The man was about Eren's height, with glasses and a moustache. He searched Levi's countenance for some identifying characteristic, an expression of friendly bewilderment decorating his middle-aged face. Even worse was how the expression persisted even after Levi had provided his name.

"Levi? Levi Ackerman? I'm sorry, I'm afraid—"

"He's Eren's friend, honey," a woman cajoled, appearing from behind a table of dainties. "You know, one of the ones from his band world." She had dark hair and thick eyebrows.

Levi knew those eyebrows. In one instance he put together who these two people must be.

"I'm so very sorry," the man said. "My name is Grisha and this is Carla, my wife. We aren't always as fastidious as we ought to be with introductions."

"No problem," Levi said awkwardly. The two of them appeared to mean well, but their eloquent way of speaking was throwing him off.

"Do make yourselves at home!" Carla exclaimed. "Eren and his friends are set to arrive any minute now."

She'd hardly finished her sentence when the sound of raucous voices was heard echoing from the hallway. Seconds later Eren gambolled through the archway, a bottle of champagne in his hand. Mikasa, Armin, Jean, and several others followed closely behind.

"Honey, is that open?"

"Maaaaybe," Eren said slyly, hiding the bottle behind his back.

"We only just opened it when we arrived, Mrs. Yeager," Mikasa said politely. "We weren't drinking on the road."

"Well get yourselves some proper glasses!" Grisha exclaimed, motioning towards one of the tables. "And some wine, too, for the rest of you."

Eren was mid-laugh when he spotted Levi. The boy's mischievous expression transformed into one of shameless wonderment. Levi nodded clumsily and Eren dropped his gaze, his face plastered with a silly smile. Both of them were blushing. Levi prayed nobody noticed.

That moment turned out to be the emotional apogee for the rest of the afternoon.

Levi had been dreading feeling stressed when he really should've dreaded feeling bored. There was only so much that could be spoken of in the pleasant settings that Grisha and Carla had so finely crafted. First there was tea. Levi didn't know why they called it that when everyone was actually drinking wine. Around noon the pastries and cookies were replaced with miniature sandwiches and cutlets, a modification qualifying as 'lunch'.

The afternoon pushed on and guests continued to arrive. Levi began to understand how the event went beyond a mere celebration of Mikasa's academic success. This thing was a fucking gala. He spent most of his time hanging out with Erwin and Hange, who thankfully didn't mind. They appeared to get a kick out of taking care of him. Levi kept thinking about how the dynamic felt oddly incestual, like they were his fucked-up parents and he was their problem child.

Curiously, he and Eren spoke very little. Levi didn't trust himself to be around the boy with so many people around. The alcohol was aplenty and the guests were no strangers to imbibing, but even so, the bright, sunlit gallery felt much more revealing than the cozy confines of a rock bar. Eren was caught up with his friends and family anyway. Levi might have questioned why he was even there if he wasn't already a little tipsy from the claret. That was the one thing that could be said for the Yeagers. They definitely knew how to keep their guests fed and watered.

Just when Levi couldn't fathom consuming one more thing the guests were shepherded into an enormous dining hall for supper. Several maids were showing the guests to their assigned seats at long, narrow tables. Hange and Erwin were led away to a spot at the far end and Levi was suddenly petrified. Did that mean he wasn't going to get to eat with them? Who, then? What was he going to do without his mommy and daddy?

"Just over here," somebody said, taking his arm. For a moment he thought it was an overzealous maid, but then the voice processed in his woozy mind.

"Where are we going?" Levi muttered, allowing Eren to lead him through rows of chairs and guests and butlers and maids.

"To the head table," Eren replied. "It's where all the Yeagers sit."

" _What_?"

Before Levi could object he was positioned neatly in between Eren and Carla at the very head of the centremost table. Somebody refilled his wineglass and an appetizer materialized in front of him, both of which he highly doubted he would be able to swallow, what with his constricted throat and his churning stomach.

What was Eren _thinking?_

It was just too obvious. Not only was Levi Eren's main guest, but he was sitting where Eren's fiancé would have been if they existed in olden times. If people didn't notice now...

"Eren, honey, why didn't you tell us you weren't going to bring a date?" Carla inquired. "We wouldn't have set a spot for one and Levi could've eaten with his friends."

Levi stared. Was this woman truly that clueless? Or was she just playing dumb in order to pry?

"I wanted him to sit here," Eren said obstinately. "He's _my_ friend."

"Well, sure, sweetie, but it does seem a little odd. You have _so many_ friends, why should you privilege one? I'm sure Mikasa would have loved to sit beside you, but—"

"Where are you going?"

"I was just going to sit somewhere else," Levi mumbled, hovering above his seat like a startled rabbit. Eren's hand was hot on his forearm, gripping tight like a blood pressure monitor. If it had of been one, Levi was certain its readings would've been off the charts.

"Sit down," Eren muttered with a clenched jaw.

Levi complied, mostly because he couldn't see anywhere else to go. Every seat in the hall appeared to be reserved for a particular guest. He caught sight of Jean, one table away, whispering something in Armin's ear. Both of them were staring at Levi.

"Eren is right, please sit," Grisha said with a sigh. "All of the other places have been occupied and there is nowhere else for you to go. I just wonder how we could've mixed this up." He eyed his son dubiously. "Eren, did you do this on purpose? Was this some kind of a joke?"

Eren glanced nervously at Levi. Levi widened his eyes as if to say, _there's your chance, idiot! Take it!_ Doubtless the matter of their son's sexuality was an important conversation to have, but not here in front of dozens of guests, and not with Levi serving as the primary symbol of their son's rebellion.

Eren hunched over in defeat. "Yeah, maybe."

Grisha appraised Levi with disapproval. "And I'm supposing you were in on this as well, Mr. Ackerman?"

Eren and Levi responded at exactly the same time.

"No he wasn't."

"Yes I was."

Grisha raised an eyebrow.

Levi was suddenly grateful that none of them knew his age. Such tomfoolery was much more acceptable when committed by someone who was not yet over the age of twenty. Hopefully Eren's parents would simply equate Levi with all of their son's other rowdy friends. Unless, of course, Eren had already told them how old Levi was—in which case it was a lost cause. Levi lowered his gaze in a similar fashion as his accomplice.

"So," Carla sighed, as though these kinds of things happened all the time and she was so used to being abused by her wayward son she'd forgotten how to properly reprimand him. "What do you do, Mr. Ackerman?"

The rest of the dinner was awkward. Levi felt so ridiculously out of place that he could hardly eat. Sadly the alcohol wasn't helping. Several times Eren tried to hold his hand under the table and Levi shook him off in disbelief. He was beginning to wonder if the kid's explicit wish was to torment him. At last it was over and the guests were directed back to the gallery, where the evening's entertainment was soon to commence. Levi slipped away to the washrooms to regain some of his shattered composure.

"Hey," Erwin called over from a urinal.

For once in his life Levi was relieved to see the asshole. "Oh my god," was all he said, shaking his head as he unzipped.

"I know." Erwin strode over to the sinks. "Like I said: not altogether unpleasant."

"Fuck that. It's extremely unpleasant."

"What, to be on display like a new toy in a department store?" Erwin smiled somewhat apologetically. "Best get used to it if you plan on sticking around."

Levi whirled around, almost flashing Erwin with his dick.

"Whoa, watch it, cowboy," Erwin said, holding out a hand to block the view. "No need to be so hasty—"

"What do you mean if I plan on sticking around?"

"Come on now." Erwin rolled his eyes. "While I am one, it doesn't take a genius to put together the pieces. But I'm not your enemy. You should know that."

Levi groaned. "I didn't think it was _that_ obvious..."

"It doesn't really matter because love always prevails."

"Excuse me?"

Erwin smiled enigmatically. "Sorry. It was just something that slipped out of my drunken maw. Now shall we get back to the party?"

Levi and Erwin returned to the gallery only to find Eren and Jean in a shouting match in the centre of the dance floor. Even from afar Levi could see that Eren's face was flushed with anger. The musicians played on regardless, drowning out the yelling with lazy horn lines and double bass licks. Levi doubled his pace, overcome by a surge of protectiveness.

"Well there he is now," Jean cried, motioning sloppily in Levi's direction. "Go to it!"

"Shut it!"

"Aren't you going to ask him to dance?"

"Shut up, Jean!"

"Aren't you going to ask your boyfriend to dance? He _is_ your faggot boyfriend, isn't he?"

"I SAID SHUT IT!"

Eren's fist collided with Jean's jaw before anybody could stop him. Jean toppled backwards, crashing through several vases of lilies, and the musicians finally stopped playing. Mikasa ran forward and restrained Eren, who looked like he wanted nothing more than to pounce on top of Jean and do to him what Godzilla might to a skyscraper.

"Get out of my house!" Eren shouted, spit flying from his open mouth.

Jean groaned, rolling onto his side.

"What is going on?" Carla demanded, hurrying up to the scene. "Oh my goodness Eren, did you hit him?"

Eren made a sound, something between a growl and a sob. He thrashed one more time against his restraints to no avail. Mikasa was too strong for him. Defeated, he looked up and met Levi's eye. Levi didn't know what look must've been on his own face, but the moment Eren saw it, he burst into tears.

Eren wriggled away and ran for the door. Levi spun around and followed, in spite of Carla calling after them. He pursued Eren up two flights of stairs to a long hallway, where Eren rushed into one of the rooms and sprawled onto the bed, burying his face in a pillow.

"What happened back there?" Levi demanded, joining Eren on the mattress.

Eren continued to sob.

"Did Jean say something?" When Eren failed to respond, Levi grabbed his shoulder and gave it a rough shake. "Speak to me!"

"All I wanted was for it to work out," Eren wailed, rolling over abruptly and hurling the pillow across the room. "Jean is such an asshole!"

"Is that why you hit him?"

"I hit him because he said it was wrong for you to sit beside me at the banquet," Eren wept. "He should keep his thoughts to himself. He should be grateful for even being invited!"

Levi sighed. "I don't get it. Why did you bring me here if you weren't prepared for this to happen?"

"I don't know," Eren sobbed. "I just wanted it to work out. I thought maybe if I acted natural nobody would say anything. I just wanted us to have a good time."

Suddenly Levi understood, and the moment he did, his heart sunk with shame. Here was a kid who had a good family and nice friends. He'd grown up in wealth. Because his life had been so easy, he wasn't used to dealing with conflict. In his mind there was no way to overcome the insurmountable obstacle of his own sexuality because he didn't have the skills. Instead of broaching the issue directly, he'd pretended it didn't exist. He'd invited Levi as his date and said nothing to his relatives in the hope that things would go as effortlessly as they always had. If Levi had been a girl, they even might have.

He wiped his nose wetly. "But then, you wouldn't hold my hand, and when you looked at me like that, I just couldn't take it..."

"Looked at you like what?"

Eren's face twisted with grief. "Like I was the most disgusting thing you'd ever seen."

Within seconds Eren was in Levi's arms, his shaggy head held tight against Levi's chest. He reached out and held onto Levi's shirt like a bat clinging to a sheaf of moss, shaking with sorrow. Levi scowled at the floor, thoroughly revolted with himself.

"I'm sorry I didn't hold your hand over dinner."

"It's okay," Eren bawled.

"I was a coward."

"I forgive you."

"I'll never do it again."

Levi knew it within the deepest fibres of his soul. Never again would he leave Eren to face this battle alone. It just wasn't fair; not as long as Levi wanted as much of Eren as he did. He tipped Eren's face up by his chin and kissed the boy's lips with uncharacteristic tenderness. Eren kissed back, rougher, pulling Levi in by the sides of his head, and it was at that exact moment Grisha, Carla, Mikasa and Armin walked into the room.

***

"Well, er, Mr. Ackerman," Grisha mumbled, handing Levi his bag. "It was very nice to meet you."

Carla gave Levi an awkward sort of bow. "Please come again soon."

"Thank you very much."

Levi bowed in return before scurrying away into the front seat of Eren's car. He suspected Grisha and Carla were just as happy as he to escape their awkward banter.

"Well, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Armin asked cheerfully from the backseat.

"I told you," Mikasa said, crossing her arms. "It would've all been so much simpler if you'd just told them."

Eren scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, well."

"You've gotta be kidding me," Levi snapped. "These two knew all along?"

"We had a vague idea," Armin said, winking.

"I just wish Jean hadn't run off like that."

"Well, you _did_ deck him across the face, so—"

"He didn't have to be such a dick about it." Eren sighed. "I wonder if we'll still be friends."

"We'll have to see," Mikasa said thoughtfully. "He does come from a different kind of family."

"You mean one that's bigoted and close-minded as fuck?"

"Yeah. That."

To Levi, the mishap with Jean seemed trivial in light of everything else that had happened. Levi had entered the weekend believing that his and Eren's amity was completely undercover. Now everyone seemed to know. Erwin, Hange, Mikasa, Armin, Eren's parents...

After he and Eren had been discovered macking on one another in the upstairs bedroom, the Yeagers had excused themselves to the private den for a talk. They had emerged thirty minutes later in preposterously good spirits. For some reason Grisha and Carla had both felt the need to shake Levi's hand again. They ordered a round of whiskey for Eren's friends and saw that Jean's bruises were tended to by a nurse. The moment he was patched up Jean disappeared to a guestroom and left early in the morning before anybody else had arisen. Much to Levi's chagrin, Eren asked him for a dance. He had no other choice but to comply, keeping to his promise from earlier. Hange and Erwin took him aside afterwards and fed him more liquor. Both of them seemed genuinely relieved that everything had worked out.

Even though Eren was trying to laugh it off, Levi could tell that what had happened with Jean really bothered him. Levi couldn't fully relate—to him, Jean had always been an obnoxious douchebag—but then again, maybe it wasn't about who Jean was so much as what his attitude symbolized.

Eren's coming out had gone well for the most part. His parents, though awkward, were adjusting. Their distaste surrounding Levi's placement at the banquet table seemed to have stemmed from misunderstanding rather than prejudice. If they had known Levi was actually _supposed_ to be Eren's date, perhaps the whole thing would've made sense to them. Hange, Erwin, Mikasa and Armin were all supportive. It would've been perfect if not for Jean. Jean was the piece that rendered Eren's coming out bittersweet. His prejudice was the omen that foreshadowed a bittersweet life, and somehow, Levi was now profoundly intertwined in this complex state of affairs. To all of these people, he too was now gay. Was he ready for such a thing? Was he ready for a bittersweet life?

He reached over and took Eren's hand, ignoring Armin and Mikasa's _awing_ from the back seat. For someone whose life had been nothing but bitter, bittersweet didn't sound half bad.

 

**_END CHAPTER 6_ **


	7. Sex and Fairytales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to realize that this story I've written sort of mirrors the pacing of some Yaoi mangas, where each chapter is a little separate story that addresses a different question. In this respect, each one could sort of be its own stand alone story, but they all work together to build on the development of an overarching relationship. Hope you guys enjoy XD

 

"It sucks now that everyone knows," Eren grumbled, shaving a bit of lemon peel into his martini.

"Why?" Levi asked.

"Because I'm so horny," Eren whispered. "But if we leave early everyone will know what we're up to."

Levi set down his drink and stared into Erwin's frontroom with a thoughtful expression on his face. "One of us could pretend to be wasted, so the other one would have to take them home."

"But it's only seven..."

"Yeah, but maybe you didn't eat dinner because you came here straight from your spring class."

"They all know I always grab Subway on my way off campus."

"Well, what if I get called into work last minute and you have to drive me?" Levi eyed Eren's glass. "You haven't had that much yet, have you?"

Eren made a face. "You're way too good at lying."

"Only when I'm given a reason to be."

Eren sighed. "I just want your cock, I don't care how, but I—"

Before Eren had finished his sentence Levi was dragging him by the arm into the pantry. The door shut behind them with a soft _click._

"Levi!" Eren blurted, half-resisting, half-assisting Levi to undo Eren's pants. "They're right there!"

"Just keep it down."

"What are you—AH!" Eren cried, as Levi pulled out Eren's cock and began stroking it. The tip was already moist with precum. Levi stood up and stepped around so that he was behind Eren, touching the boy from behind.

"You weren't lying," Levi muttered in Eren's ear. "You _are_ horny."

"Levi," Eren moaned, reaching forward and gripping a shelf for support. A package of instant rice tumbled to the floor, making a sound like somebody dropping a maraca.

"Relax," Levi cooed, quickening his pace slightly. "Imagine I'm inside you."

"I want that," Eren breathed.

"Imagine how it would feel," Levi continued, pressing his hips into Eren's ass. "You can feel how hard I am, can't you?"

Eren nodded mutely.

"I would bend you over and fuck you until you could hardly stand."

"Levi..."

"Everyone would hear us."

"Ah... Ah..."

"And I'd come inside you like the bitch that you are," Levi intoned roughly. Eren exploded in Levi's hand, pulsing and spasming until at last all that remained was his panting. It seemed to resonate inside Levi's very mind, isolated within the space of the cramped, stuffy pantry.

"Feeling better?"

Eren nodded. "For now." He glanced down at Levi's crotch. "What about you?"

Levi smiled a little. "I can wait."

"Are you sure?"

"Either way, I think we've reached our time limit for hiding out amongst Erwin's foodstuffs."

The two of them returned to their stations in the kitchen and resumed mixing their martinis with forced nonchalance. Levi gave his hands a quick rinse in Erwin's sink.

"Hey..." Eren asked quietly.

"Yes?"

"How did you get me off so fast?"

"What do you mean?"

"It was almost like you meant to."

"I did," Levi said bluntly. "I thought we went over this. A pantry is an awful place for prolonged lovemaking sessions."

"But how?"

"What do you mean, how?"

"Levi!" Eren exclaimed, clenching his fists. "I don't know these things. I've only ever been with you, remember? I want you to explain it to me."

Levi furrowed his brow. He could tell by the kid's body language that he wasn't going to give up easily. Whenever those fists got balled up like that, it was a sign that Levi had better acquiesce if he didn't wish to engage in a full-scale dispute. Besides, Eren had a point... if Levi was Eren's first, and Levi wanted Eren to himself, didn't that make Levi in some ways responsible for Eren's sexual education? Who else was going to answer these intimate questions as long as Eren stayed by Levi's side?

"It's all about rhythm," Levi explained quietly. "I've learned that instead of trying to perform, you have to listen. I listened to your body and did my best to match my pace to what it needed. I guess it worked."

Eren nodded interestedly. Then, his expression darkened. "How did you learn that kind of thing?"

"With myself." After a moment Levi sighed. "And yes, with other people. But does it really matter?"

"I guess not." Eren frowned, running a finger mindlessly around the rim of his glass.

At that moment Erwin sauntered into the kitchen and began ransacking the fridge for olives. When he found there were none, he went to look in the pantry and Levi became distracted by the matter of whether or not he and Eren had left behind any incriminating clues. Thankfully for their sake, Erwin was in no way as exacting about his housekeeping as Levi, and he overlooked the bag of rice that had tumbled to the ground. The olives were retrieved, more martinis were crafted, and the issue of Eren's displeasure was left entirely unaddressed.

***

Eren, however, was still steeped in his youth, and was not yet mature enough to let these kinds of things go. Perhaps it was more that he wasn't yet jaded enough to give up. He truly believed that by pursuing the issue, he was bound to discover a satisfactory solution. The only problem is that remedying one's sexual jealousy is never as simple as, say, patching up a spat between friends. An apology cannot be issued, mostly because an apology is not warranted. Levi had done nothing wrong by being older than Eren and having had sex with other people before they met, but still, Eren felt an odd bitterness towards Levi ever since their conversation.

"I want you to delete your ex from Facebook," Eren announced one day. "And that other girl you told me about who likes you."

"Samantha?" Levi asked dubiously. "But we haven't spoken in over a year."

Eren crossed his arms. "I don't care."

Levi shrugged. What did it really matter, as long as he had Eren? He deleted them right then and there for the boy to see, and for a while, it seemed to pacify him.

But then the interrogations began.

Eren wanted to know every single detail of Levi's past. Levi, never being one to talk openly about his life, found the whole thing agonizing. He did his best to explain how it didn't matter how many people he'd had one night stands with, it was all irrelevant now. He loved Eren. Eren was his only one. Levi had never been a cheater, so Eren had nothing to worry about.

Still Eren pushed on. The kid seemed possessed by something not altogether practical. It was like Levi was watching a storm raging across a valley. Although Eren's questions all pertained to Levi, Levi wasn't actually involved. The storm raged inside Eren and Eren alone. Levi only hoped that once it blew over, Eren would still have an interest in keeping Levi around. It was unnerving, not knowing what part of his past was going to be cross-examined next. Sometimes he even wondered if it would be better to lie, but he didn't dare lest Eren find out and redouble his resentments as a result.

One afternoon in July Levi and Eren were sitting in a cafe. It was almost thirty-five degrees outside and a dense cloud covered the city, locking in an exhausting humidity. It felt like they were living inside a gigantic sauna. Levi sprawled on one of the couches and Eren sat on a chair, sipping an iced latte. They were both miserable.

"I can't take this anymore," Levi muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing I say helps. It feels like you're going to be unhappy with me until the end of time."

"That isn't my fault."

"Then who's fault is it?"

"I don't know."

Levi reached for a glass of water then thought better of it. His stomach was still aching from the takeout they'd had for lunch.

"I've shared every detail from my past with you. I've deleted everyone you wanted me to off social media. I even told that one girl who was hitting on me that you were my boyfriend."

Eren bristled with irritation. It was almost like he saw the logic in what Levi was saying, but hated Levi for pointing it out.

"I've been thinking," Levi sighed. "It might be time for you to sleep with someone else."

"WHAT?" Eren exclaimed.

"It's the only way that we could ever even the ground."

"Levi—"

"Sure, it wouldn't be the greatest for me," Levi continued, the tips of his eyebrows raising slightly, "but once you did it maybe you could finally see that _these things don't fucking matter._ "

_Or, you'll fall in love with somebody else and leave me,_ Levi thought to himself. _You'll finally see how boring and useless and depressing I am and you'll move on to someone more suitable._

"Why would you even suggest that?" Eren asked, clearly dismayed. "It isn't an option."

"I just want to get you off my back," Levi barked, stung by his own internal catastrophizing.

Eren scowled. "If I'm being such a nuisance, I'll leave."

And he did. But no matter how many bickers the two of them had, no matter how many times Eren walked out on a date, leaving Levi alone to contemplate his sorrows—or visa-versa—they couldn't keep away from one another for very long. Through a series of apologetic phone-calls, teary late-night cab rides, or long walks back to Levi's apartment, they almost always ended up tangled together in Levi's bed, gasping and writhing in one position or another.

"I hate you," Eren moaned one night, bent over as Levi pulled out from behind. Levi grabbed a handful of tissues and proceeded to clean Eren off.

"I hate how much I need you," Eren continued, wringing a pillow with two hands. "I wish you'd just go away!"

Levi stared down at the boy emotionlessly.

Eren stilled his movements and gazed back. "What?"

"You think I don't feel the same way?" Levi asked slowly. "You think you're the only one who could be hurt by this?"

"What are you talking about?"

Levi stood up and walked out of the room.

What irritated Levi most was that everything was unfolding as expected. This was how life worked. People fell in love and then they wrecked it. Divorce rates were through the roof. People seldom stayed together for longer than a few years, and if they did, they were probably miserable anyway. In truth, Levi had never really expected him and Eren to last. He wanted them to. He wanted them to with every fibre of his being, but he also recognized that the odds were seriously against them. What was the likelihood that a lonely artist and a pampered rich boy could stay together if nobody else could?

Eren was just so incredible. He was gorgeous, talented, and popular. He was only nineteen years old. He had so much to offer other people. It seemed almost absurd to think that he would be with Levi for the rest of his life.

Levi, on the other hand, had always been broken—so broken that he had little pride left. Someone else might have dumped Eren on the principle that the boy was becoming annoying, but Levi truly didn't care. He didn't care about much. All he knew was that when Eren was around, Levi was happier than ever before. He preferred spending time with an angst-ridden Eren to no Eren at all.

But pride was different from self-preservation. If Eren's angst meant that _he_ was going to dump _Levi_ on his ass, then that was another story.

Levi ruminated on it for hours when he was at work, when he was at home, and even when he was painting. The gloomy landscapes within his mind were a perfect match for his gloomy subject matter. He sculpted derelict houses out of acrylic and wondered if Eren was becoming tired of him. He painted leafless shrubs and crooked trees and postulated that the true reason for Eren's anxiety was discontent; that the boy was merely masking his boredom with jealousy in order to avoid the inevitable—that one day, he would leave Levi and go fuck all those other sexier people he'd always wanted to but hadn't been able to since he hadn't come out of the closet yet.

_What's stopping him now?_ Levi wondered. _Now that he knows his parents don't care..._

For the most part the secret was out. Surely there were still a few groupies who refused to acknowledge it, but for everyone else, it was public knowledge that Levi and Eren's closeness went a bit beyond friendship. This was why, when Levi started taking Eren out to the gay clubs, their friends were perplexed. Neither Levi nor Eren were fans of pop music. The club scene wasn't exactly a place to make friends, and even if it had been, Levi and Eren were in no way lacking in that category. As it stood, they were already hard-pressed to meet the demands of their current friend group. So why did Levi feel it necessary to drag Eren out to these places?

The truth came out one night over drinks with Hange and Erwin. The three of them had definitely warmed to each other over the course of the summer. Unlike Levi and Eren, Hange and Erwin's relationship remained largely undeclared, but thankfully, the two of them seemed impervious to the drama typically associated with that kind of ambiguity.

"Let me get this straight," Hange asked, putting down her drink. "You want him to _fuck someone else?_ "

Levi nodded.

"But why?"

"I've already explained it a hundred times," Levi snapped. "He's young. I can't keep him tied down forever. He doesn't even know what he wants."

"He told you this?" Erwin inquired.

"Well, no," Levi replied impatiently. "But he doesn't know how he actually feels. One day he'll look back and realize how much he's missed out on."

"I'm not so sure," Hange said. "It sounds like you're telling him what he should think."

"He's nineteen," Levi said bluntly. "I know what I thought about at that age."

Hange frowned.

Unbeknownst to her, Levi hadn't actually notified Eren of his plans. To Eren, he insisted that their trips to the gay bar were so that Levi could properly inform himself of gay culture. Eren seemed dubious at first, but after enough visits he eventually became used to it. His compliance was just another piece of evidence for his generally sociable nature. They made friends with drag queens and became favourites of the house DJ, who made them kiss him for requests. Both of them got hit on a fair amount, but at the end of the night, they always ended up back at Levi's apartment, curled up in each other's arms. It was wonderful and interesting and painful all at the same time. Even though Levi wanted Eren to branch out, he couldn't help but feel a sense of profound relief whenever the boy returned to him at the end of the night, all 'I love you's' and 'fuck me stupid's'.

Months passed and Levi began to hound Eren about open relationships and polyamory. Eren thought the ideas were preposterous. He didn't want anyone else but Levi. He said this hundreds of times, just as Levi had said to him, but Levi refused to relent. The problem was that Levi didn't believe him. How could the boy know what he wanted when he didn't have any experience?

Without realizing it, Levi had internalized Eren's insecurities as his own. Because Eren had placed an overblown sense of importance on Levi's sexual history, Levi began to overemphasize Eren's virginity. It seemed like all they ever talked about was sex in one form or another.

One night they bought a six pack of cider and Levi created an online dating account for Eren. Eren went along with it, mostly because Levi didn't give him a choice. But Levi was convinced that the boy's compliance meant something else—that Eren was finally beginning to come to terms with his subconscious yearnings.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Hange ridiculed, wandering around Levi's studio with folded arms. "I never took you for a masochist."

"I'm not. Can't you see what I'm up against?" Levi asked, daubing at the canvas angrily.

"I'm sorry. I don't."

"He agreed to go on a date with someone else this Saturday. Clearly it's what he wants."

"Anyone would have agreed if they'd been tortured by you for as long as he has," Hange protested. "You seriously never let up."

"Neither does he."

Hange sighed.

Once she was gone, Levi took out his phone and began composing a text message.

_Can you please cancel the date._

The second it was typed out Levi closed his phone without sending it. It was the tenth time that morning he'd done a similar thing.

Love—what a stupid idea. The damn thing didn't exist. What most people called love was nothing but a convoluted amalgam of other, less gracious emotions, like lust, protectiveness, possessiveness, or dependency. These were things Levi could understand—but love? How was a person ever supposed to believe in it? It was like a fairytale or a religion. Nothing Levi had ever experienced motivated him to hold faith in such an elusive concept.

Well... until he had met Eren... but that was probably finished now.

The week passed by and Levi hardly ate. He refused to see Eren and responded to the boy's calls with vague texts. As Saturday drew near, Levi spent less time sleeping and more time painting. The subject matter of his work persisted in its darkness. Shaded foyers spilled out into vacant parkades. Pillars constructed of gears wrapped around hollow elevator shafts. Skeletal structures loomed in the distance.

Art was like an old friend, holding him up so that he didn't fully collapse beneath the burden of his own self. Art came about as close to a true friend as Levi had ever had. The only problem was that art couldn't hold you at night. Art couldn't look you in the eye and say your name over and over. Art was not alive in the same way that humans were. Levi envied art for its lacking of humanity. If only he could strip himself of his desires, then he would be free—free from pain and longing, and above all, free from his fear.

By the time Saturday arrived Levi was a complete wreck. It had gotten to the point where he couldn't even paint anymore. His hands shook from the lack of food and the excess of caffeine. His eyes ached from the need for sleep. He left his apartment and wandered down to the river, his mind stirring images of Eren tangled in the arms of somebody else. Each time he thought about it, his body buzzed with shots of adrenaline. His stomach seemed to have forgotten how to do its job. He hadn't been hungry for days.

He wandered into a small park that banked the riverside. It had begun to rain and the smell of fresh earth bloomed up from the flowerbeds.

Levi told himself he was concerned for Eren's well-being. He didn't want Eren to grow up and regret having had such an unremarkable sexual history. But when he really thought about it, Levi knew that this wasn't really the case. Levi was too selfish for that degree of martyrdom.

When it came down to it, Levi was terrified. He didn't want to fall any deeper in love with Eren only to have Eren leave one day. Levi wanted to get out before it was too late. The only problem was, it already was.

Levi's heart was breaking.

He sunk to his knees and fought the tears that insisted on making themselves known. He cursed himself. He despised everything. He felt he truly deserved whatever punishment it was that was waiting for him at the other end of all this.

He wondered if he'd ever love again. It seemed doubtful. He questioned if life was worth living without Eren in it. Fleetingly, he contemplated throwing himself in the river.

Fortunately, the rain picked up and Levi was compelled to return to his apartment instead. A vague set of human instincts continued to operate behind his sorrow, even though several others had been blotted out. He might not have been hungry, but he hated being cold—almost as much as he hated being dirty. His knees were slick with grass and mud. By the time he exited the elevator on his floor, he was so freezing he was actually shaking. He fumbled in his pants for his keys.

"There you are!" a voice cried, its distressed owner rushing down the hallway from Levi's door.

"W-what are you d-doing here?"

"I've been pounding on your door for the past hour. I thought you were ignoring me." Eren looked Levi up and down. "Holy shit. What happened to you?"

"I was b-by the river," Levi stammered, suppressing a shiver.

"Oh, Levi," Eren said, moving to take Levi into his arms. Levi pushed him away.

"What happened to your date?"

"I went," Eren said unenthusiastically.

Levi went stiff. "Did you fuck him?"

"No," Eren sighed. "I didn't. We didn't do anything."

"Well, it was only the first date. Maybe next time—"

"There isn't going to be a next time!" Eren exploded, shoving Levi against the wall. Levi stared back in shock. "Every time he made a joke I had to force myself to laugh. He wasn't even funny. We had drinks and all I could think about was how much I missed you." Eren paused, catching his breath. "You haven't been talking to me all week. I don't know what I did wrong. I never wanted to go on this date to begin with. All I want is to be with you, so why the hell do you have to make it so hard?"

"If it's so hard," Levi asked quietly, "why don't you just leave?"

"Because I can't," Eren said, his voice breaking. "Can't you see? I can't live without you. All I want is to be around you. I've started to wonder if I'm just not good enough. Maybe that's why you're pushing me away."

"Eren..."

"For god's sake, Levi," Eren choked, turning away. "Just tell me what you want. I can't handle this anymore."

"What I want..." Levi straightened up with an odd sort of dignity, given that his hair was plastered to his head and his skin was pale as baking soda. He arranged his face into a sensible expression and appeared to be thinking. "Let me see."

Eren scrunched up his face as if he were bracing himself for some kind of impact.

"I want to live with you. I want us to sleep in the same bed and to wake up together every morning," Levi said. "I want to know you as you grow older."

Eren broke down completely. Minutes passed and he couldn't seem to stop crying. The kid never could, once he started. He reached out with a trembling hand and held onto a corner of Levi's coat. The other remained where it was, doing its best to conceal his twisted face.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore," Levi continued, closing his eyes. "I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

"For fuck's sake," Eren blurted, shaking his head. "For fuck's sake, Levi."

They stayed in the shower for over forty-five minutes. They alternated between crying, laughing, and making love; really, it could have been something out of a theatre production. They were acting like manic-depressive clowns. Many times Levi wondered if they were losing their minds.

"Shhhhh," Levi whispered, running his fingers over Eren's lips. They were both tangled in the bathtub, letting the showerhead rain down over their exhausted forms. The boy still hadn't stopped crying.

"I-I'm trying..."

"What's wrong?"

"I-it's..." Eren suppressed another sob with his hand. "It's just..."

Levi wiped a stray lash off Eren's cheek. "Tell me."

"You're so fucking perfect, Levi." Eren reached up, tugging imploringly at Levi's hair. Levi kept his eyes locked on Eren's. "I just wish you could see it," Eren wept. "I wish you were mine alone. I wish you'd never been with anybody else. I wish you knew all that you mean to me!"

"I am yours... even if it destroys me..."

"Levi...!"

"Why are you sad?"

"Because I'm scared!" Eren cried. "I'm afraid that if you don't understand, you'll just keep pushing me away until I can't reach you anymore."

Levi dropped his gaze. "Things can always change..."

" _This_ won't," Eren gasped, pressing himself hard against Levi. "What do I have to say to make you understand?" He curled up, resting his head against Levi's chest. "From the moment I saw you, I wondered if you could be real. You were like a dream come true."

"More like a nightmare."

"I'm being serious. Everything about you is perfect."

"Tch," Levi chided, though he couldn't think of anything else to say. It seemed Eren's candour had finally stolen away his arguing spirit.  

When they at last found themselves lying in Levi's bed, warm under the covers, with the soft sound of rain falling outside the window, Eren allowed himself a moment of reflection.

"I always thought musicians were insane."

Levi quirked his head to the side. "Hmm?"

"Nobody ever warned me about _artists_ ," Eren carried on. "Artists are on a whole other level."

"I seem to recall that I wasn't the one in hysterics just a few moments ago—"

"Maybe I was!" Eren readily admitted. "But who's fault was that?"

"It's your fault for being so stubborn. I told you to leave already."

"As if," Eren said sleepily. "You don't get off that easy."

"It's all a downwards spiral from here."

"You're wrong," Eren said, drifting off. "It'll be wonderful..."

Levi gazed out the window, falling into a thoughtful silence. Never in his life had he met someone so persistent. Part of him was still puzzled by the fact that Eren even cared. Why didn't he just leave and rid them both of this maddening affliction?

Was Eren pitying Levi?

Was the kid afraid of being alone?

Or...

For the first time in Levi's life he thought he understood something. It was fleeting and ephemeral, and he only caught a glimpse of it, but it was enough that a part of him shifted irreversibly, so much so that he doubted he would ever be the same.

For one passing moment in time, Levi was certain that in some respect Eren felt the same way he did. There was no logical basis for the feeling. It was just there; a warm surety that two had become one, for a singular moment in time.

Then it was gone.

But afterwards, Levi was finally able to sleep. He dozed off speculating that maybe Eren was just as stuck in this calamity as he was. Maybe Eren was actually telling the truth. Perhaps, the fleeting feeling he had sighted moments past was what the great philosophers were actually referring to when they mentioned the construct known as love.

"I love you, Levi."

Levi shifted under the covers. One day Eren would die. Levi would, too. On the grand scale of things, their lives were nothing but small flashes of light in an eternal meteor shower. But as long as he was here, Levi wanted to grow. He wanted to let Eren in.

He reached for Eren's hand and felt the boy squeeze back.

"I love you too, kid."

 

**_END CHAPTER 7_ **


	8. Waiting Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep writing a chapter and thinking it will be the last, then a new idea pops into my head that I just need to get out in writing. It just goes to show love is really complex. There is no simple "happily ever after" in reality. This is the reality I'm exploring, I guess. As usual, I hope you enjoy it!!

Levi couldn't decide what was worse—getting ignored at the beginning of a relationship or getting ignored later in a relationship. Near the beginning, a person was usually tweaking on enough hormones and neurotransmitters that any disappointment was absolutely devastating. Levi could still remember tearing his hair out when Eren failed to respond within a couple hours to a text message. Since then they had definitely chilled out on that front, but still—an entire week was pushing things.

Eren wasn't ghosting Levi entirely. Whenever Levi sent a text, a reluctant reply would arrive a couple hours later apologizing for its tardiness and reacting half-heartedly to whatever Levi had written. As a result, their usual method for plan-making had become entirely derailed. Typically one of them casually invited the other to hang out and then it just _happened_. As of today Levi had asked Eren to meet up three times over the course of the week without one affirmative response. It was always, _I'll have to see what my parents are doing,_ or _maybe later, school is pretty crazy right now,_ or sometimes a response that ignored Levi's proposal altogether. To say that Levi was becoming concerned would have been an understatement.

The two of them had been seeing each other for almost a year. For some people that would've been comfort enough, but given Levi's past, his reservoir of trust tended to run low. He knew Eren had said he would love him until the end of time... but did he _really_ mean that? After seven days of not seeing Eren's face or hearing his voice, Levi was beginning to expect the worst. Old fears surfaced like bits of rotten driftwood from the side of a shifting shoal. Was Eren getting tired of Levi? Was the boy finally bored? Had Eren met somebody else?

There was no way to know until Eren decided to treat Levi's correspondence more hospitably, which could be whenever—there was no way to guess. Levi didn't know what to do. He'd since quit his job working at the bar and was working days at a hotel restaurant down the street. The work felt cleaner. Most of his clients were business people stopping through town for work. He rarely had booze spilled or thrown at him, he got off work at a reasonable hour, and the tips were decent. It was a fantastic situation for somebody who was happily in love and who wished to spend their evenings and weekends with the person they adored.

Unfortunately, Levi didn't know if that was the case anymore.

Working at the bar had been a much better arrangement for someone angst-ridden and tortured. You slept in as late as possible, sparing yourself as many hours of worry as you could. Next, you dragged your carcass into work in the evening—you were probably hung-over from partying with your coworkers the night before—and began what was guaranteed to be a shit-show shift ridden with loud-mouthed assholes and other drunken chaos. By the time you got off, you were so thoroughly destroyed you could barely make it home, let alone spare a thought for your own personal problems.

As it was, Levi sat at home every night from five o'clock onwards, twiddling his thumbs and wondering if he still had a boyfriend. He dreaded the weekend when _nothing_ would break up his worrying. Maybe Eren would call before then. Hopefully.

Levi was just pissed off that he had to be feeling this way to begin with. He would've thought that after a year he could've been spared such nonsense. It was painful, surprising, and extremely exhausting. It seemed to have come out of the blue. He didn't even have the energy to paint. In many ways he felt like a ping-pong ball, bouncing back and forth, never able to settle and get his bearings. Was he single? If so, he'd adjust accordingly. If not, he would forge on as he had been. The ambiguous in-between was driving him crazy.

He stared at his phone and contemplated calling the boy. Would Eren even pick up? Levi didn't want to find out. It was all too terrifying. In the past he would've simply slunk away, retreating into his cave to nurse his wounds alone. But things were no longer that simple. Levi cared. He cared so much he couldn't even pretend that he didn't.

***

11:00 p.m.: _What's going on? I miss you._

1:30 a.m.: _I miss you too_

1:35 a.m.: _What are you doing this weekend?_

2:20 a.m.: _I'm not sure yet. I'll let you know_

"What the fuck?" Levi groaned, squinting into his phone in the pitch blackness of his bedroom. "If he misses me, then why the hell is he acting like this?"

Levi elected to invite Hange and Erwin out for drinks that weekend. It was Friday and Eren still wasn't coming around, so Levi had to do something. The three of them met at Tapestry, an art bar in the gay district. It was one of the many places Levi had discovered during his crusading earlier in his and Eren's relationship. They'd stopped visiting the nightclubs since, but Levi couldn't resist Tapestry for its home brew. They made fantastic ale in house.

"How are you?" Hange asked, sipping her beer.

"Good."

"Oh as if," Erwin drawled from his corner in the booth. "You call us up for the first time in months to get drinks and you expect us to believe that you're _good_? Something has to have happened. Otherwise you would've gone on spending all your weekends nailing that cute boyfriend of yours and snubbing your devoted, self-deprecatingly loyal friends."

Levi scowled. "I have weeknights free too. If you didn't work that absurd job at the university we could probably find a time—"

"Yeah, yeah," Erwin interrupted, waving Levi's words away dismissively. "Let's skip the squabbling and get to the point. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Levi said stubbornly. After a moment of Hange and Erwin scrutinizing him, he sighed. "Well... I'm just a little worried."

"Worried about...?"

"About Eren."

"What happened?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing," Levi said. "Have you heard anything? Is his family alright?"

"The last I heard they were vacationing in the Bahamas," Hange replied. "His parents, that is. Eren stayed behind for school I'm pretty sure."

"Have you seen him around campus?"

Erwin raised an eyebrow. "Now that you mention it, no. But that isn't unheard of for somebody who's writing finals. He's probably entombed in a lab somewhere."

"Really?" Hange asked. "But I thought he was only in three classes this semester."

"He's always only in three classes."

"Why?" Levi asked, suddenly curious.

"I'm not sure," Erwin replied. "It's the minimum a student needs to remain classified as full-time. Though, I can't imagine his parents would suffer the loss of the dental benefits or anything if he fell under the threshold."

"Maybe he needs extra time for his band," Hange speculated.

"They haven't played a show in months," Levi contended. "If he was so devoted to his music, you'd think they'd at least bother to practise every now and then."

"I thought they practised on weekends."

"They haven't been for a while."

"Wow." Erwin smirked. "You two are joined at the fucking hip."

Levi flushed red. He couldn't believe Erwin's remarks still had the power to embarrass him so much. Reflecting upon this truth annoyed him even more and he frowned into his glass, chugging the luke-warm remainder of his ale.

"You still haven't told us why you're worried," Hange said.

"Let's just say we might not be as joined at the hip as you think."

Erwin gasped. "Did you break up with him?"

"No!" Levi said quickly. "He's just been..." He trailed off, wondering how best to describe Eren's exact transgressions. The boy was still responding to Levi's texts, but he didn't seem very enthusiastic about it. He hadn't initiated an interaction in days. Put simply, he just didn't seem as excited about their relationship as he had one week ago. Levi wondered what could've possibly changed in such a short time frame.

"Distant?" Hange tried.

Levi thought for a moment. Then he nodded.

"He gets like that," she said apologetically. "I thought it might've been different for you but I guess not. Ever since I've known him he has times where he sporadically drops off the map. To this day I don't know why."

"Maybe he's a werewolf," Erwin suggested.

Neither Levi nor Hange efforted to acknowledge the remark.

"Sometimes people just need space," Hange went on. "Give him some time. He'll come around."

Levi left the bar feeling no better than when he'd arrived. It was nice to see Hange and Erwin again, but in his current state, Erwin's sardonic humour had been particularly abrasive. Levi didn't know if he was even capable of laughing anymore. The alcohol was mingling with his anxiety, imbuing it with an inexplicable sense of urgency. He wanted to _do_ something. But what? What could possibly be done to remedy his situation?

Hange had mentioned that Eren dropped off the map periodically. Levi wondered why. He also wondered why Eren chose to exclude him from this mysterious ritual. He understood Eren keeping it from his friends, but Eren usually told Levi everything. That was part of what made him so adorable; his incorrigible inability to keep his emotions hidden from Levi. Eren had friendly parents. He was nineteen years old. Levi was hard-pressed to imagine something sordid enough that Eren would keep it from his older counterpart.

In many ways it felt like Eren was an elf that had visited Levi's world temporarily, but now the time was up and Eren was being sucked back into his magical kingdom, never to be seen again. Levi sensed the power of Eren's wealth and the foreignness of the boy's upbringing stronger than ever. Was there something Levi was blind to, something he wasn't seeing?

 _Fuck,_ he thought to himself. _This blows chunks._

What a curse to be so fragile, to be so dependent upon the whims of another.

All he could do was wait.

***

Levi went to help Erwin sort papers on Wednesday. The university TA had taken Levi up on his offer to hang out on a weeknight, graciously inviting Levi to come help him organize his files while Erwin caught up on his marking. To his own astonishment, Levi had agreed. He was so dejected he figured anything would be better than sitting alone in his apartment staring at the wall.

They worked in methodical silence. There was something comforting about it. Levi sorted stacks of papers alphabetically, labelling folders and discarding files that had expired. He had arrived at six o'clock and it was eight when Erwin leaned back in his chair and let out an enormous groan, the first sound to puncture the stillness of his office for hours. Levi jumped.

"Want to get us some food?" Erwin asked.

"Are you serious? I'm not your servant."

"Here," Erwin said, tossing Levi a twenty. "Get something cheap and keep the change."

Levi rose out of his chair unenthusiastically and made his way to the food court. Only a couple stands remained open. Levi opted for Subway, the healthier choice to straight-up burgers and fries. He was almost in the line-up when he froze.

_Oh my god._

It was Eren. The kid was waiting for his order, leaning on the counter with one hand. His back was turned to Levi, but Levi could recognize that shaggy head of hair anywhere.

 _Shit, shit, shit!_ Levi thought to himself. _I should've remembered_ — _the kid always eats at Subway when he's on campus._

He'd just begun to back away when Eren turned around. Levi's breath caught in his throat. The kid looked awful. His usually bronze skin was pasty and pale. He had deep shadows under his eyes and upon further inspection his hair actually looked kind of greasy.

The moment their eyes met Eren turned away. Levi, overcome with an entirely new brand of worry, pocketed Erwin's money and hurried forward, placing a hand on Eren's shoulder.

"Are you alright?"

"What are you doing here?" Eren asked between gritted teeth. "You have no business being on campus."

Levi was taken aback. He had expected the kid to be vague, maybe, but not overtly rude.

"I'm helping Erwin organize his office," Levi explained flatly, removing his hand from Eren's shoulder. "I was getting food."

Eren turned away, staring at the lines of olives and pickles and chopped lettuce with bitter intensity. "What a fucking coincidence."

"Eren, I..."

"Thank you," Eren grunted, taking his sub and stuffing it into his backpack. All the while he kept his head hunched over.

"Eren—"

"I've got to go," Eren muttered furtively, starting quickly towards the exit.

"Eren!"

Levi caught up with the boy halfway across the food court, grabbing his forearm. Eren spun around involuntarily and Levi reached out and touched the side of his face. His skin felt clammy.

"Get off!" Eren cried, groping weakly at Levi's wrist.

"What the hell?" Levi exclaimed, attempting to look into Eren's eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Don't look at me!" Eren shouted, breaking away and tumbling against a table. Several people waiting in line for sandwiches glanced over.

"Eren..."

"I don't..." Eren seemed unable to catch his breath. He stayed where he was, bent over the table on his knees. His backpack had sprawled under the chair. He muttered something else that Levi didn't hear.

Levi leaned in closer. "What?"

"I don't want you to see me like this," Eren said, his voice cracking. "Please just go."

"I can't leave you here."

"Just go!"

Levi took a step back, injured by the boy's tone. He'd never seen Eren this way.

"I'll be fine," Eren panted. "Please, don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

Before Levi could make up his mind, Eren scrabbled around under the chair and retrieved his bag. He slung it over his shoulder and began to shamble away. Levi could tell the boy was doing everything he could to conceal how much he wanted to collapse right then and there. Levi watched him go.

He returned to Erwin's office and found the TA buried in a novel with a woman and a man on the cover, swathed in roses and what looked to be silken togas. Erwin had clearly gotten a little sidetracked from his grading. Levi set down the sandwich and the change and Erwin looked up curiously. "I said you could get yourself something too."

"I know," Levi said faintly. "I appreciate it, but I think I'm going to head out now. I work early tomorrow."

"Very well. See you later."

Levi barely made it home before the tears erupted. The moment Eren had disappeared out the set of double doors Levi had felt them coming—after that point, it was just a matter of time. He slammed his apartment door and gripped the edge of the counter, shaking with frustration. He was so damned confused. His upbringing had left him with a very specific set of skills—that being, how to survive on his own. Now that he had somebody he cared about, he realized he didn't know anything about how to communicate properly. What was a person supposed to do to make another person understand? What was Levi doing wrong? He feared with every bone in his body that if he didn't figure it out quickly, he'd lose Eren forever.

He lay in bed tossing and turning for hours. He thought about Eren's pale skin and the way the boy had leaned over as if enduring a terrible stomach ache. It was at midnight that Levi remembered that he was almost seven years older than the boy. He wondered if that gave him a certain responsibility in a situation like this. He chugged a glass of water and performed several deep-breathing exercises. Nothing worked.

It was at one in the morning that Levi recalled that Eren's parents were out of town vacationing in the Bahamas. It was at that point that Levi wrenched himself out of bed, threw on some clothing, and called a cab even though he had to work at nine o'clock the next morning.

***

The Yeagers' city house was in no way as sprawling as their acreage, but it made up for it in resplendence. Levi didn't know much about residential architecture, but if were to hazard a guess, he would've said that the style was old-fashioned rather than modern. The house was constructed of dull-red brick and cream-coloured window frames and arches. A long winding driveway inspired the sentiment that if you were to visit the Yeagers you would be entering an entirely different world. Levi was surprised that there were so many trees. The night sky stretched overhead but he could see that even in the day the yard would be shady under the canopy. It seemed unlike such sunny people to so readily welcome the shadow.

Levi had never been there before. Even though Grisha and Carla knew about his and Eren's goings-on, he and Eren had agreed that it was best to spare them the details, so whenever they decided to have a sleepover, they did so at Levi's apartment. Levi had attended a couple dinners with the Yeagers—one during the Christmas holidays and the other in spring—but both had been held in commercial establishments. It took Levi a full ten minutes to find the front door. There were a confusing array of outbuildings nestled amongst the garden that threw him off.

He knocked and waited. It was hard to imagine that Eren would be able to hear the little sound if he was lying somewhere on the opposite side of the mansion. The thing wasn't as vast as the country home, but it was still pretty big. Levi suddenly wondered if Eren was _capable_ of answering the door, even if he had heard it. Eren had appeared incredibly unwell in the food court. Levi's throat constricted at the thought.

He pounded on the door once again to no avail. Suddenly, a little intercom caught his eye. He pressed the biggest button he could see and cleared his throat.

"Hey brat. You in there?"

There was a moment of silence. Then, the speaker crackled. Nobody said anything but Levi was pretty sure it was Eren on the other end, contemplating tentatively whether or not he was going to respond to Levi's question.

"Eren!" Levi shouted, causing his voice to clip on the other end. "Come and open up this god-damned door! I didn't come all the way here to end up standing on your doorstep all night!"

There was another long pause. Then, a small, shaky voice replied, "Fine."

After what felt like forever there came the sound of several locks being undone. Levi thought he heard a quashed electronic hum like a security system being turned off. It made sense, he supposed, to guard such a fortress as it was with as many defences as possible. The door swung open slowly and Levi braced himself.

Eren peered out from behind, his face just as pale and gaunt as before. He hid his body behind the door. "What do you want?"

"Eren!" Levi exclaimed, pushing his way inside. The moment the older man crossed the threshold Eren turned and began making his way back towards the living room. Levi interpreted the action as a tacit form of acquiescence. He shut the door behind him, making sure to do up the locks, and hurried after his impaired charge.

He followed Eren into an enormous room with a high ceiling and stretching burgundy rugs. A fireplace positioned itself cold and unused beside a line of towering bookshelves. Eren collapsed onto a brocade sofa and disappeared beneath a fleece throw. The table nearest the boy was piled with textbooks and notes.

"You've been studying?"

"Not really," Eren's voice came from underneath the blanket. "It's been hard to concentrate."

Levi came and sat on the edge of the couch farthest from Eren. He thought it wise to give the boy some space. Really, Levi wasn't even sure where the two of them stood anymore. It was within his jurisdiction to make sure Eren was okay, but, provided how cold Eren had been to Levi all week, that was about it. He didn't dare touch Eren. What if Eren didn't want him to?

"So..." Levi sighed, the tips of his eyebrows curving up slightly. "Are you going to tell me what the fuck is going on?"

Eren was silent for a while. Eventually he shuffled until his head emerged, propped up on a golden silk pillow with bronze tassels. "Fine." He exhaled slowly. "But don't say I didn't warn you."

Levi leaned forward slightly in anticipation.

"Well, you see, every now and then..." Eren laughed dryly, shaking his head. "This is seriously going to be a TMI situation, Levi..."

"Go on."

Eren took a deep breath and his features became sombre once again. "Well, you see, I have this health thing..."

Levi gestured for the boy to continue.

"When I get stressed, my body tends to fall apart. This is why I only ever take three courses at a time. Exam season always stresses me out. I have to be careful. Usually I can stay on top of it by planning ahead, but this year one of my professors sprung a last-minute essay on us and it totally messed me up."

"So what happens?" Levi looked Eren up and down carefully. "Do you get the flu or something?"

"No," Eren sighed, hiding the lower half of his face under the covers. "I get... digestive problems."

"Digestive problems...?"

"I get really bad stomach aches and diarrhoea, okay?" Eren snapped, burying his entire head beneath the throw. "I didn't want to see you because I'm completely out of commission. I didn't want to annoy you!"

"Annoy me? How could you possibly annoy me?"

"Well, you know..." The blob that was Eren shifted uncomfortably. "By not being able to have sex and stuff."

Levi stared at Eren expressionlessly. Then, after a moment, he chuckled. The chuckle burbled up almost as uncontrollably as the tears had hours past, transforming into a full-blown laugh. The sound echoed around the chamber, deep and full and completely foreign to Levi's ears.

"Stop it!" Eren shouted, throwing off the blanket crossly. "It isn't funny!"

"I-I'm not... laughing..."

"Yes you are! I can see you!"

"I'm not laughing at you," Levi gasped.

"Then why the hell—?"

Levi shimmied across the couch and grabbed Eren, pulling him into an embrace. Eren, momentarily stunned, eventually reached around and clung onto Levi with his bare, trembling arms. It was the best feeling in the entire world. Levi continued to chuckle even though his eyes were growing damp with an entirely different emotion.

"Stupid kid," Levi grunted, stroking the back of Eren's head.

"You're stupid," Eren muttered into Levi's shirt.

"You should've told me. It would've made this so much easier."

"But..." Eren pulled away, looking Levi in the face for the first time. "So you don't mind?"

"What, that you jerked me around for two weeks? Of course I mind. That sucked fucking ass."

"No," Eren said, dropping his gaze. "That we can't... you know..."

"For fuck sakes," Levi said, willing his voice to remain stable. "What do you take me for? No, I don't care about that. I just care that you're feeling okay. I was so fucking worried, Eren, you have no idea..."

"It's just, every time we've ever hung out we've gotten it on..."

"We've only known each other a year. There hasn't been a chance for much variety that way," Levi said thoughtfully. "Besides, it isn't really true. Remember that time we had a picnic before your class?"

"You ended up blowing me behind that dumpster..."

"What about the time you came and hung out with me on break when the food trucks were around?"

"We gave each other handies in the car."

"Okay, well..." Levi ran a thumb along his lower lip.

"See?" Eren's eyes began to well up with tears. It was the oddest thing, given how jubilant Levi felt inside.

"What are you so worried about, anyway?" Levi questioned, taking Eren's hand. "Are you afraid we won't be able to have sex again?"

"No," Eren said, rather moistly. "My body will eventually recover. I'm just worried... that you won't want to."

"What—just because we have to take a break?"

"Because I'm being so gross right now!" Eren covered his face. "I haven't been able to eat properly and my hair is all matted. I'm pretty sure my breath smells like death. I can't believe you're here, why did you have to come..."

Levi grabbed Eren's face.

"Look at me."

Eren complied begrudgingly.

"This isn't some Hollywood movie. I don't care about what you look like or if we can't have sex for a while." Levi furrowed his brow, willing himself to find a way to make Eren understand. "To me, you're always beautiful. This whole week I..." Levi's voice threatened to crack. "I really missed you."

Eren instantly burst into tears. Levi pulled him in, stroking his back. Eren's skin was covered in goosebumps.

"I m-missed you t-too," Eren sobbed. "I w-was all alone a-and all I could think about was h-how much I w-wished you were here..."

"I'm here now."

"And I m-missed other things too," Eren continued. "I miss touching you. I m-miss feeling you inside me. I h-hate my body for doing this to m-me, why does it have t-to be this way—"

"Don't worry about that now," Levi whispered.

"I'm s-sorry Levi—"

"Shhhhhh." Levi lifted Eren into his arms and started towards the stairs. Now that his worries were allayed, the logical component of his mind was beginning to kick in. It was almost three in the morning and they both needed to sleep. Eren required rest. A decorative sofa was no place for a good, solid snooze.

"Where is your bedroom?"

"J-just up there—"

Levi hauled Eren up the staircase, along a hallway decorated with medieval sconces, and into a bedroom overlooking the backyard. Eren had a classic four-poster bed with umber hangings. The sheets looked entirely untouched.

"Don't tell me you've been sleeping downstairs on that couch all week?"

Eren gave a small smile. "Maybe..."

Levi tsked, turning and making to walk out of the room.

"Where are you going?" Eren asked quickly.

"I'm getting water and a cloth. You need to hydrate yourself." He thought for a moment. "And I'm going to wipe you down."

"Wipe me down?" Eren asked, horrified. "But that means—"

"Please," Levi grunted, turning to go. "I've seen every inch of your body. It's no mystery to me."

Despite the boy's protests, Levi did everything he said he would. He brought up an enormous ewer of water and set it on the bedside table. He heated more in a pan and stripped Eren naked, washing him from head-to-toe. Eventually Eren's complains ebbed away and the boy closed his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy the feeling of the rough cloth on his tender skin.

Once Levi was done, he lay down beside Eren and shut off the light.

"If you need anything just ask," he said softly.

Eren made a muffled sound of acknowledgement. Levi watched as the boy's breathing became deeper and more evenly paced. Levi hadn't lied. Eren's hair was damp, pushed back from his gaunt face, but even under the duress of illness, the boy was astoundingly beautiful to the older man. His swooping nose, his delicate cheekbones, the way his mouth hung open as he slept... and the spirit that enlivened those perfect features with such brash, hot-headed, fervour; Levi would've been happy to stay in that bed for the rest of his life.

Alas, existing in the physical world tendered various physical duties. Levi's alarm went off five hours later and he dragged himself to work, first making sure that Eren had everything he needed. After a groggy day of serving soup to businesspeople, he returned to the mansion and made Eren dinner, which consisted of plain brown rice and salt. It took fifteen minutes to make Eren spell out his dietary needs, regardless of Levi's assurances. The boy seemed loathe to making any reference to his health at all, even if indirectly.

Levi didn't mind. How could he? Levi was far too flawed to criticize Eren for such petty quirks. Truly, juxtaposed beside Levi's demons, the kid's problems appeared infinitesimal—at least to Levi. Levi filled a bowl with rice and smiled. He almost felt like laughing again.

Somehow, despite his inability to communicate, things had worked out. His reservoirs of trust were replenished. He was not turned away from the fathomless door he had only just begun to comprehend. And, to his great pleasure, he had learned something new about the boy who held the handle.

Every bit and piece Levi cherished, like an artist given novel colours for his palette. Maybe one day he would be able to paint blue light skies instead of grey ones. Sunlight would stream down, awakening bright green bulbs that would push through the cement in Levi's heart. The desolation would give way to life and Levi would breathe the scents of springtime for as long as Eren stayed by his side.

That was the nature of things.

Humans didn't shun food just because they required it. Animals sought shelter, even though they were dependent upon its safeguard to survive. To reject Eren in an act of defiant autonomy would've been as foolish as rejecting water or air. Levi understood that he had no choice.

His destiny lay in Eren's hands.

 

**_END CHAPTER 8_ **


	9. What are his demons?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be a little shorter because I'm preparing for a temporary move! I'll update once I'm arrived and settled in my summer location. Let me know what you think about the shift in perspective. Hope you enjoy! :)

Eren sat overlooking campus. He was alone. He watched students zigzagging along garden paths, cutting across parking lots, and hurrying into revolving doors, no doubt envisioning the condemning stare of the professor they were about to offend with their tardiness. Eren saw them all, but nobody saw him. The reason was he was perched in his favourite place: atop the art complex, who's uppermost floor poured out onto an expansive concrete balcony that encircled the entire building. Eren had discovered the spot in his first year while wandering around on break. Those were the days, when he was still naive enough to spend his breaks adventuring rather than studying.

Ignorance was bliss.

Eren still wandered, and he still came to the top of the art building, but when he did it these days it was for entirely different reasons. He wasn't strolling due to an excess of free time; he was strolling in order to relax. His hours were limited but he knew he would waste them unless he found a way to unwind. He had completed almost all of his exams, but the pop-up essay still hung over his head like the rippling flag of a cruel autocrat.

At least he felt okay about Levi. Ever since the artist had barged over to Eren's parents' house in the middle of the night—a hint of a smile lit upon Eren's mouth at the thought—Eren's stomach had calmed down a little. He still had some trouble digesting anything other than plain rice and vegetables, but at least he was digesting _something_. Levi assured him that there was no rush. The only thing that mattered was Eren's peace of mind. Eren needed to focus on his studies. Eren could do whatever he needed in order to feel at ease.

Unlike Levi, Eren didn't have quite as difficult of a time trusting people. He got jealous like anybody else, but it _was_ possible for him to wrap his mind around the idea that somebody actually cared for him. Plenty of people had, and did—his parents, his relatives, and his friends, to name a few.

Now that Levi had assured Eren that things were okay, Eren had set his worrying about that aside for the most part. It definitely helped that Levi had become a bit of a protective hen ever since learning of Eren's health problems. Even though Eren maintained that he was fine, Levi insisted on coming over every night after work to cook the boy dinner. Levi proclaimed that he would continue to do so until Eren's parents returned from the Bahamas. After the state he'd found Eren in, sleeping in the front room and practically starved to death, Levi stated that he would be incapable of sleeping soundly unless he knew that the boy's self-care was tended to. It was all excruciatingly lovely.

No, things with Levi were fine, and really, school was almost over, so Eren wasn't as worried about it anywhere near as much as before.

The thing that really stuck in his side was _injustice_. Eren had many friends and treated them as well as he could. Sometimes he even felt a little stretched thin, but in the end, it was worth it just to know that he hadn't let anybody down. He had a big heart and he gave as much of himself as he could. So, when somebody he had listened to and supported for years just _turned_ on him for _no fucking reason,_ hell yeah Eren got worried. More than that, Eren got _mad._

It had been almost a year since he and Jean had fought at Eren's parents' estate. Ever since, Eren hadn't spoken to Jean except in passing at the odd show. Eren found it agonizingly difficult not to punch the fucker in the face every single time he saw him, but for the sake of those around him, he suppressed the urge with a clenched jaw.

On the surface, Eren was angry. If he really stopped to think about it, he was hurt. Seeing Jean reminded him of all the times they'd shared before Jean decided to become a raging dipshit about Eren's love life. No matter how many times Mikasa and Armin tried to explain it to him, Eren couldn't wrap his mind around it. _Why?_ Why did Jean have to suck so much? How could the asshole be so single-minded? Was the fact that Eren's romantic tastes differed from Jean's truly enough to make Jean forget all the wild times they had together over the years, partying like buffoons, recuperating with boxes of pizza, and wasting entire days in Jean's basement playing video games?

Mikasa talked about values. Armin elaborated on upbringing. Their explanations made sense, much like the theories Eren learned about in his classes, but in his heart, he could view Jean's behaviour as nothing but scathing betrayal. It was stupid. It was painful. It was _unfair._

Eren was the type to anger quickly, but he seldom held onto things longer than necessary. This was why, as the months passed, Eren began to forget about it. He spent most of his time with people who hardly ever brought attention to his and Levi's relationship, unless of course it was Erwin teasing them in one form or another for being so shamelessly adorable. Eren was consumed by other worries and Jean passed into the farthest reaches of the his mind. In fact, he probably hadn't thought about his old friend for an entire month before the nimrod had to go and pull a final trick.

Eren felt a cramp in his abdomen and winced, massaging it with nervous fingers. He knew he shouldn't be fixating on what had happened. It would only wear him down further than he could afford. He had an essay to write and a boyfriend to fuck. He wanted to be healthy for August so that he and Levi could go camping together.

But, GOD DAMN IT if Jean didn't make Eren furious sometimes!

The idiot graduated this summer. There wasn't a convocation until fall, but he had decided to throw a party at their favourite rock bar to celebrate anyway. He reserved the entire basement so, Eren surmised, he could accommodate the ludicrous number of guests he planned on inviting. Mikasa, Armin, Erwin, Hange, and even Eren's band mates were asked to come, but Eren never heard a peep. If that wasn't bad enough, Jean went behind Eren's back and asked Eren's band mates if they would like to play a set. Jean's only condition was that they would have to find a different vocalist to front the band that evening. Eren's band mates ended up turning Jean down, but as a final slap in the face, they also ended up agreeing to attend the party despite Jean's blatant slight to Eren's person. Eren had never felt so wronged.

He clutched the railing and stared daggers at a professor who was getting out of his jeep. _I wonder if he's a homophobe?_ Eren thought to himself. _What about her? Or those two?_ His anger was making him excessively defensive. His stomach threatened to cramp again and he shoved his lunch back in his bag. He'd eat it later once he'd calmed down.

The rest of his day was madness. He confined himself to the computer lab and spent four hours accruing resources for his paper. He worked until he could hear his stomach grumbling over the sound of the keyboard. Several people sagged with relief as he began to pack up. Wherever Eren went, it seemed he had to hold back. He was often too loud or obnoxious. People loved him for it, but they also complained. Eren got used to irritating people. His parents told him it was endearing, but Eren wasn't always sure.

Thankfully, there was one person in the world who never seemed to tire of Eren's noisy ways. Not that Eren was capable of much monkey business right then.

He knocked on the door feebly. He was particularly grateful for the invention of elevators today. He was so tired he didn't know if he could've made it up the five flights of stairs to Levi's apartment in his current state. It was unlike him to be so worn-out.

"Hey, brat."

Eren's troubles were momentarily washed away. Levi leaned against the wall like some sullen movie star. He was dressed in a loose pair of sweatpants and a button-down shirt, which he had left open. The shirt hung to the side, revealing the edge of one of Levi's nipples. Eren had a sudden impulse to bend over and nibble it. He almost did, but Levi was too fast. The older man leaned forwards and caught Eren in a kiss. Levi's tongue remained at bay, but he lingered there for a long moment, breathing softly into Eren's mouth; then, he pulled away and looked Eren into the eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

"G-good."

"Come inside."

Levi helped Eren in with his bag and got him a chair, which Eren collapsed into. Moments later a bowl of rice and broccoli appeared in front of him, along with a fork and a carefully folded napkin.

"Oh my god," Eren breathed, inhaling deeply. "Thank you."

"Have you eaten today?" Levi asked, eying Eren suspiciously. "You look a little pale."

"I ate some breakfast, but I couldn't get my lunch down. I'm pretty hungry."

Levi came and sat down in front of Eren, fixing him with an expression that would've been unreadable to anybody else. Thankfully Eren had spent enough time around the older man to pick up on the subtleties. Eren quickly interpreted Levi's displeasure, and acted accordingly, devouring an enormous chunk of broccoli in one bite.

"What's going on?" Levi asked, once Eren had swallowed five or so more fork-fulls. "I thought you were feeling better."

"I was..."

"So?"

"Agh," Eren groaned, releasing a hiss of air between his teeth. "It's that fucker, Jean. I still can't believe he had the nerve to ask my band to play without me."

Levi raised an eyebrow. "I thought we already talked about this. He's a dumbass. Anyone with sense can see. Erwin, Hange, Armin and Mikasa decided to boycott the party because of it. "

"I know, I know..." Eren sighed. "It just bugs me how my band members are still going to attend. I know it isn't their fault, but I wish they'd have told him to fuck off. It all feels like useless drama anyway. If only Jean could stop being such a useless fucktard—"

"He can't," Levi interjected, "and he won't. At least not for a very long time."

An ember of defiance sparked in Eren's chest, but he was too enervated to bring it to fire. He looked down and dutifully finished his meal, knowing Levi would accept nothing else. Once he was done, Levi cleared the dishes and led Eren to the bedroom. The bed looked outrageously inviting. The sight of it almost made Eren fall asleep on the spot. He let Levi strip him down to his boxers and tuck him in. The older man kissed him twice more, once on the lips, then on the forehead, and the two of them dozed off engulfed in the distant thrum of the city.

***

Eren awoke to a late Saturday morning. He looked over and saw that Levi was reading in bed. On the rare occasions that Eren was the first to wake up, he usually shuffled and squirmed until Levi was forced to acknowledge his presence. Levi, however, was far more courteous, especially ever since learning of Eren's health problems. Eren rubbed his eyes and yawned, arching his back like a cat lying with its stomach to the ceiling.

"How are you feeling?"

Eren assessed his body before answering Levi's question. It seemed the long sleep had really paid off. He felt numerous things he hadn't felt in a while: his stomach didn't ache at all, his mind was crystal clear, and he was, realizing with a jolt, cripplingly horny. The moment he realized it, like _really_ realized it within his mind, he blushed a little. Levi's duvet was thick enough to mask Eren's erection, but the boy felt incredibly self-conscious all of a sudden.

"G-good," Eren replied softly. The stutter made him sound far more unsure than he had intended. He was unsure about certain things, but definitely not his current bodily needs.

_Why do I even care if he notices?_ Eren wondered to himself. _It isn't like we haven't banged a bazilion times before._

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that, given Eren's health issues, he and Levi hadn't gone much beyond a kiss for almost two weeks. Eren hadn't forgotten how to fuck, but he'd forgotten how to tell Levi he wanted to. It all felt so awkward now. What, was he just supposed to reach out and grab Levi's hand? Kiss him? Crawl on top of him and start grinding against his lap?

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Eren breathed, trying to ignore the way Levi's lips parted ever so slightly, revealing a sliver of his perfect teeth.

"Let me get you some breakfast, then—"

"Wait!" Eren cried, grabbing Levi's arm. Levi looked back at him in surprise. "I-I'm just... um..."

"Is something wrong?"

"N-no!" Eren felt himself getting redder by the minute, and harder. Just touching Levi's skin made him want more. If only he could just muffle Levi's questions with his mouth, strip Levi's clothes off to feel the artist's body pressing him all over—

"If you want breakfast, you're gonna have to let me go," Levi said, raising an eyebrow. His breath smelled faintly of toothpaste and tea.

Eren closed his eyes and breathed in hungrily.

"I just..." he said, losing his train of thought. "I'm not quite hungry yet, I..."

Slowly, tentatively, Eren pressed against Levi's thigh under the covers.

Levi's gaze intensified immensely. Eren couldn't be sure, but he thought he detected a hitch in the older man's breathing. Encouraged, Eren did it again, rubbing his erection up and down Levi's leg. Levi swallowed thickly.

"But your health..."

"I'm fine," Eren whispered, nipping Levi's earlobe.

"Are... you sure...?"

Eren didn't wait for a reply. He shimmied over until he was on top of Levi. Levi stared up at him with the same unreadable expression as always. His mouth was set, his jaw slack; really, the only place he allowed emotion to show through was in his silver-grey eyes. They gazed back into Eren's with what could only be described as pained pleasure. Levi was pained because he still believed he should hold back for Eren's sake. He was worried about Eren's health, but his body was betraying him. Eren, sensing his lover's reticence, began to move his hips to pleasure them both, and to his delight, he watched as Levi's gaze dropped slightly, settling itself on Eren's mouth.

Eren leaned forward, tempting Levi with the object of his interest. Levi never looked away, his eyes becoming slightly crossed as Eren drew near. Eren paused mere centimetres from Levi's mouth. Neither of them moved for almost ten seconds. Eren could feel Levi growing hard beneath him, pressing up against his boxers. Those needed to come off. After a moment Levi moaned under his breath, completing the reach in order to half-suck, half-bite Eren's lower lip. Eren gasped.

Clothes were torn off, underwear thrown on the ground, and sooner than later, Eren was on top of Levi in an entirely different respect. As the boy eased his way into his older counterpart, he had to stop himself from thrusting immediately.

"It's been a while since you've fucked me," Levi groaned, gripping a hand-full of his own hair. "I've... missed it."

His upper lip pulled upwards on one side, resulting in a sneer of sorts. Eren paused, giving Levi a moment to adjust. Levi always took Eren in without complaint, never grabbing the boy's arms as Eren did, never asking Eren to slow down or to go softer. Perhaps it was because he was older, but he seemed inclined to spoil Eren, especially in bed. Even so, the boy did his best to meet Levi's needs, regardless of how difficult it was to intuit what they were at times.

After a moment Levi grabbed Eren's ass and dragged him deeper, rewarding the boy's patience with an exceptionally lewd moan.

"Fuck, you feel good," he gasped into Eren's collar, pulling until Eren was fully inside. They were both panting already.

As Eren made love to Levi he hardly believed anybody could see it as a sin. The way Eren's body met with Levi's, over and over again, falling into a dangerously ecstatic rhythm; the manner in which Levi's eyelids fluttered as he struggled to hold Eren's gaze; the small whimper Eren heard himself release as Levi leaned up and sucked one of his nipples; there was nothing that could compare. It was unbelievably hot. It drove Eren crazy with how erotic it was. Beneath every moment coursed an undercurrent of immaculate beauty. What could be purer than an outpouring of desire as raw as theirs?

Eren increased his pace and felt a bead of sweat trickle down his back. His heart hammered in his chest, over and over and over again, and his breath came in deeper gasps. Looking down at Levi touching himself, the other hand still tangled in his jet-black hair, Eren felt fucking _alive._ He came loudly, shouting Levi's name and various other curses and indecipherable sounds. Afterwards he crawled down and sucked Levi's cock, working it with his hand until the older man exploded in his mouth, just as helplessly and vulnerably as the night they first met. Eren rolled onto his back and the two of them stared at the ceiling, their chests rising and falling in the wake of their passions.

"That was fucking amazing," Eren said at last.

Levi seemed lost for words.

"I..." Eren laughed, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. "I couldn't help thinking about Jean while we were fucking."

"Excuse me?"

"Not like that!" Eren cried, making a gagging sound. "Fuck! Just that he was an idiot for ever thinking what we do is wrong."

"It's true."

Levi reached out and took Eren's hand, lacing their fingers together. Eren thought for a while, enjoying the warm breeze trickling through the open window, spiralling through Levi's curtains and tickling their naked bodies.

"You know, I don't really care about Jean, though," Eren reflected. "It's been so long, it doesn't really matter. Sometimes I wonder if what I'm concerned about is something else. Jean's graduation sorta reminded me of how much of a mess I am. Soon Mikasa will graduate too, and all of them will get grown-up jobs, and I'll be stuck here with half a degree wondering where the hell everyone went..."

"I highly doubt Mikasa will ever disappear from your life."

"Yeah," Eren conceded. "But it isn't just about my friends. There's no way for me to get a proper job while I'm at school. It'll take forever to get my degree at the rate I'm going, but I don't have the energy to work at the same time." He sighed. "What if I never grow up?"

"Trust me," Levi intoned. "Growing up is _extremely_ over-rated." He squeezed Eren's hand. "Besides, things always work out in one way or another. Degrees can be over-rated. I have one and look at what I'm doing for a living."

Eren frowned. "I don't know if I could handle it. The service industry sounds stressful."

"Thankfully you may never have to find out. With your wealth, it's unlikely you'll ever have to work as much as I do."

"That seems unfair," Eren protested. "Why should I have it easy while you don't?"

"Tch." Levi ruffled the boy's hair. "You're so worked up today. Don't worry about what you can't control."

"Who will I hang out with on campus once everyone is gone?"

"Erwin will never leave the university."

"I guess." Eren made a face. "But if I ask him to chill he'll probably invite me over to organize his bookcases or something."

"Probably."

Levi gazed out the window, running a hand over his stomach. "You know, though... you never have to worry about being left behind."

Eren looked over. Levi kept his eyes fixed on the pale blue sky.

"I'll always be here for you."

Levi's voice was the barest Eren had ever heard it. There was nothing to embellish his sentiment—no sarcasm, self-deprecation, or humour. Eren stared at Levi's unmoving expression. After a moment, he bent over nuzzled the older man's chest.

"Promise?"

Levi began to play with Eren's hair.

"I promise."

Eren was still young, but he believed he was learning. Most of the time he was loud and argumentative, mostly because he felt he had to defend himself to others. He was good at making people feel comfortable, but he often walked away feeling he'd played the fool. He was so hot-headed, people almost never took him seriously. Eren didn't really mind. All he wanted was to make his friends happy, even if it sometimes meant degrading parts of his personality.

But with Levi it was different.

Levi didn't ask Eren for the same things other people did. All Levi required was that Eren be himself. Maybe the next step was for Eren to learn how to accept himself too—anxiety, illness, temper and all. To love himself completely.

The same way that Levi did.

And the same way he loved Levi; more than anything in the world.

 

**_END CHAPTER 9_ **


	10. Curses and Blessings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys!  
> I'm all settled here in my new home and I believe, after writing this one, that this is going to be the final chapter. It's not like... a 100% certainty... if i get inspired along the way, I will update, but not as frequently. This has been an epic journey writing this tale. I feel like it's taught me a lot about my own ideas concerning love, relationships, and even life. Thank you so much for reading it and going through this with me. <3

 

Despite all catastrophic fantasies, the semester ended and summer arrived with an overwhelming profusion of blooms, smells, and sunlight. In hindsight, Eren could hardly believe he had stressed so severely over his academic duties; but, wasn't it always like that? Only once the essays were handed in and the deadlines were met did a person regain the perspective necessary for making light of these things.

Eren decided to take the summer off. It was only two months, he told himself, and he needed to recuperate after his breakdown in the spring. He surely wasn't going to finish his degree anytime soon, so what was a difference of one semester?

His parents greatly approved of the decision. They were no strangers to their son's fragile constitution and they had the greatest sympathies for his struggle. If anything, they were the kind of wealthy parents who doted too heavily upon their offspring rather than levying upon him the lofty expectation to match their own successes. Eren was their only child and they were quite content to spoil him silly with the fruits of their labours. Perhaps, because their gift-giving wasn't used as a _substitute_ for love, but more so as an added bonus, Eren had turned out well. At least, that's what everybody told him. Eren had a slightly different take on the whole thing.

Eren was, in his mind, a walking stereotype of a coddled rich boy. He had everything so he sought nothing. Motivation was a foreign concept to him. Sure, he _did_ things—school, music, vacations—but mainly out of habit, not because he had any true passion for them. His band, for all intents and purposes, was broken up. It had been almost two months since they had even jammed, and Eren was pretty sure his drummer and bassist were both playing in new projects. Eren suspected it, but he couldn't be sure, as he hadn't been out in the scene for almost just as long.

He wasn't sure what had happened. When he traced it back, it seemed like his social life had greatly faded ever since his latest bout of illness. Something appeared to be thieving his motivation to do anything. He no longer wished to even see his friends. Whenever he went out for lunch with Mikasa or Armin, he felt distracted and detached. He could have asked himself what the cause of it was, but part of him was afraid of the answer. It seemed pretty clear, given that the only time when he _didn't_ feel like crawling under a rock was when he was hanging out with a certain special somebody.

It was high noon and the sun beat down like a laser. The sky was a diluted baby blue, unalloyed with even one cloud. Eren lounged on a picnic bench under a tree, savouring the shade it provided and watching as Levi roasted vegetables. The two of them had decided to spend their Sunday at the park cooking food campfire style. Eren just hadn't anticipated how hot it would be.

"How can you even stand there?" he asked deliriously, fanning himself with a hand. "The fire is so hot, I can feel it from here."

"Drink some water." Levi pointed to his backpack, which was resting on the red gravel next to Eren's foot. "I filled it with ice, so it should still be cold."

"Thanks, Levi."

Eren sipped the bottle and continued to watch the older man. Levi wore a black t-shirt and black jeans with a black belt and black boots. His black hair hung in his face, falling over a pair of black aviators. He stood in the direct sunlight turning pieces of zucchini and pepper on the grill, which was quavering the air above it with its heat. Levi appeared completely impervious to the temperature.

Eren, in contrast, was clad in breezy shorts and a tank-top and was still sweltering. The heat seemed to have made its way up his body into his head, intoxicating him with an odd delirium. Much like somebody who is stoned out of their minds, he was perfectly content to sit and observe this sexy man doing sexy things. Doing anything himself was out of the question.

"Here," Levi said, handing Eren a paper plate. "Serve yourself some lunch."

"Do I haaave to?"

"Fucking brat." Levi took the plate and stalked back over to the grill. "What do you want?"

"I dunno... why don't you decide."

Levi served Eren a couple pieces of everything and returned to join him at the bench. Eren picked up a mushroom and immediately dropped it back onto the plate. "Ouch!"

"Careful," Levi cautioned, spearing a tomato with a fork and blowing on it prudently.

Eren took a fork and did the same. The mushrooms were delicious.

"I have some news."

"Mmmm?" Eren intoned through his mouthful.

"I got a letter in the mail today inviting me to participate in a show."

"An art show? Levi, that's awesome!"

"It's nothing too serious," Levi said, reaching for the water. "Just a college exhibition. They're commemorating the institute's best in a group show spanning the past ten years. I guess I qualified, given I was the recipient of the painting scholarship in my third year."

"What? You never told me that!"

"It's nothing, really," Levi said, adopting a somewhat pained expression. "I'm just telling you because the opening is in a couple weeks. I was wondering if you'd like to go."

"Of course!"

Levi seemed satisfied with Eren's response and quickly changed the topic to something else. Even after a year and a half, the older man eschewed talking about himself for too long. Eren sometimes wished Levi was more forthcoming with these things, but after time, the boy had come to accept that getting to know Levi was like eating an artichoke. You had to take your time, otherwise you risked missing things along the way.

Eren was happy for Levi. The artist had worked so hard, not only on his art, but in his life in general. It was about time he received some recognition. Eren was excited to attend the opening and to meet some of Levi's old college friends. It sounded like an interesting date. He knew all of these things were true, so the fact that he was suddenly feeling downcast was extremely mysterious to him. It was a sunny day. He and Levi were enjoying lunch in the park. The robins were singing, the kids were playing, and a mother goose was crossing the bike path with an entire hoard of goslings behind her. Eren loved birds. There was absolutely no reason to feel sad at this particular moment.

With that in mind, Eren did his best to ignore the feeling. He hoped Levi might attribute his malaise to the heat. They finished their lunch, and with Herculean effort, Eren dredged up some of the contrived excitement he usually kept reserved for his friends.

"Come on!" he yelled, grabbing Levi's arms and parading towards the wading pool.

"What the fuck—?"

Once they were close enough, Eren seized Levi around the waist and wrestled him until the two of them went tumbling downwards, hitting the water with a resonant _clap._ Levi sputtered, wiping hair out of his face, before fixing Eren with what could only be referred to as a death glare. Eren swam away as quickly as he could, but he only made it a couple paces before strong hands gripped his ribs and began tickling him with merciless resolve. Eren writhed and hollered, splashing water in all directions like a fancy lawn sprinkler. Eventually the two of them emerged, their clothing plastered to their bodies and their shoes squelching with every step.

Eren kept his eyes directed ahead of him. He knew that one glimpse at Levi's waterlogged appearance would send him into fits of laughter, and he didn't wish to goad Levi's wrath any further. In some ways he felt better. It was a classic tactic of his—whenever he began to feel sad, he would defer to ridiculous shenanigans. The resulting hilarity was certain to make him forget.

The only problem was that Eren had never used this tactic with Levi before. It felt oddly deceptive to conceal the way he was feeling from the older man. But, how was he supposed to tell Levi how he was feeling when he didn't really know it himself?

***

The next day the two of them woke up early and Eren went home. Levi had to work. Eren had asked if Levi wanted to hang out afterwards, but Levi was busy. The artist needed to spend the evening combing through old portfolios to select the pieces he wanted to display in the show. Eren tried not to feel stung, but as he walked to his car, he couldn't help hanging his head a little. It was another beautiful day. The early morning thunderstorm had left everything fresh and glistening. Usually Eren would've rejoiced in it, but as it stood, every beautiful thing he saw was another reminder of Levi's absence. How could Eren properly enjoy these wonders without Levi at his side?

Eren went home and tried to busy himself. He took a shower, rearranged the furniture in his room, and went on a small walk around the property. The gardens were in full bloom and the grass had been recently cut by the landscapers. He sat down on a stone bench beneath a vine-strewn bower and listened to music on his phone. He made a little statue out of twigs.

_Maybe I should call Armin,_ he thought, scrolling through the contacts on his phone. _Although, he might be at work._

Eren suddenly began to cry. It was a very gentle sort of weeping. He didn't sob, but tears poured steadily from his eyes, dropping into his lap in silence. Part of him was glad that his parents were away at work, but part of him also wished there was somebody there to comfort him. He felt completely and utterly alone.

_I'm such a child,_ Eren lamented, gripping his knees with both hands. _Nothing has changed. Everyone else is out there doing grown-up things, while I'm in exactly the same place, playing with sticks and dirt in the back yard._

Eren phoned Armin and got no answer. He texted Mikasa and she replied that she was doing research for Erwin for the rest of the day. He scrolled through his contacts for a couple more minutes before tossing his phone into the grass.

_I'm tired of this. All anybody ever does is take care of me. My parents take care of me, my friends take care of me, and Levi takes care of me. I'm such a fucking burden._

Eren stood up.

_That's it. I'm going to get something going of my own._

He picked up his phone and made his way back into the house. Ten minutes later he was upstairs in his room, bent over a couple sheets of tablature with his guitar in his hands. Fifteen minutes later he was staring out the window, and once a half hour had lapsed, his guitar was on the ground and Eren was sprawled on his mattress, crying once again.

_Maybe I should've taken summer courses after all,_ he thought blearily. _But what's the god-damned point? I don't give a shit about it. I don't know what I'd do with a degree if I had one._

The sun slowly drifted lower, closing the distance between itself and the horizon, and Eren's parents eventually returned home from work. Eren could hear them cooking downstairs. After a moment, he roused himself from his horizontal position and washed his face in his private washroom. Thankfully his eyes weren't too puffy. He modeled a smile in the mirror and, judging it to be adequate, made his way to the kitchen for dinner.

***

The two weeks leading up to the opening that flew by for Levi drifted like glaciers for Eren. Eventually the night of the show arrived and Eren picked Levi up at his apartment like he said he would. Speaking to Levi, Eren felt like an Ent attempting to fraternize with a human. Their conversation seemed cast in a sticky, psychological fog. Levi existed in the world of people, movement, and life, whereas Eren presided over a land where time passed as slowly as it might for an ancient tree. Their disparate worlds were bound to engender some sort of disconnect.

Thankfully, Levi seemed too nervous to notice.

"Fuck, I don't know why I do these things to myself."

"What things?"

"Things that result in _socializing_ ," Levi groaned, covering his eyes with a hand. "Painting, getting my work in shows, going to work, breathing, living..."

"Awe, it won't be so bad," Eren said lamely, taking Levi's hand. "It's only one night. I thought you were excited about it."

"I only agreed to do it because it could further my career as an artist. I don't mind serving, but it would be nice to be able to do less of it some day. There are going to be curators there, and fellow artists, as well as industry officials, and—" Levi's sentence petered off into a low, guttural sigh.

"You also said there's going to be wine there," Eren said, raising an eyebrow.

"Thank fucking Christ."

Eren parked on the street and the two of them entered campus throughout a series of plus-fifteens. Both of them were too wrought-up to even hold hands. They made their way up an enormous set of stairs and into the lobby where the opening was being held.

The hall was absolutely packed with people. There was such a wide range of styles and ages Eren had a hard time classifying the crowd in any way. A couple dressed in a suit and dress stood near the hors d'oeuvres, chatting it up with an older woman who looked to Eren like she could've actually been homeless. He found out later that she was the dean. There were hipsters, ravers, goths, and emos, alongside hoards of rather plainly dressed businesspeople. Really, the only kind of person Eren didn't see was a jock.

Levi hurried them to the bar, snatching a champagne from a caterer along the way. Within the first twenty minutes the artist consumed at least four drinks, after which he appeared to relax somewhat. Eren sipped a glass of pinot noir noncommittally. He had never suffered the same social anxieties as his older counterpart. He almost found it comforting to be in such a large crowd of people. Their energy filled him up, making him feel less hollow and alone. He stood at Levi's side, chatting good-naturedly with Levi's old professors and colleagues, and finding them all quite interesting. He supposed anything would be interesting as long as it involved Levi in some way.

After a while a man in a navy-blue jacket and bright pink jeans came up and shook Levi's hand, asking Levi about his future interests. Eren surmised he must've been one of the aforementioned industry officials, so Eren wandered off alone to look at some of the art.

He found it all pleasant to look at, but there was just so much of it that it was difficult to take in. There were sculptures, statues, big sewn shapes, paintings that protruded off the wall, wooden structures, hanging lights, and floor pieces. Eren pottered down a line of paintings and paused in front of one that showed a strange industrial scene. There was a pod in the centre, green and fleshy, tightly bound up in a lattice of rusted wire. All around it the city stretched on, derelict and empty, and a series of abandoned cars lined the road, their windows broken, tires deflated and headlights smashed in. The pod seemed to scream for mercy, imprisoned in this lonesome hell by a overseer who had long since forsaken it to its solitary doom.

Eren was amazed to find his eyes welling up with tears. He turned away quickly, almost walking straight into Levi. Eren feigned a coughing fit, taking the opportunity to wipe his eyes on his sleeve.

"So you found it, then," Levi said bluntly, patting Eren's back to quell the boy's bogus coughs.

"Found what?"

Levi paused, staring at the painting. It took Eren a moment to realize whose name was printed on the card beside it.

"That's _yours?"_

Levi smiled sarcastically. "Yep. I'm sorry to say that it is."

Eren was momentarily speechless. It seemed ridiculous that, amongst all of these dozens of pieces, he had been drawn to Levi's work without even knowing it.

"B-but," he stuttered. "That's incredible."

Levi was silent.

"I mean, I..." Eren trailed off, willing himself to look at the painting once more. As much as Levi didn't know how to accept compliments, Eren didn't know quite how to explain how he felt about Levi's creation. For one, he was in awe of Levi's talent. He'd seen a few of Levi's pieces, but never anything like this. He was also flabbergasted at just how strongly he could relate to the little green pod; however, he didn't want to think about it just then, lest he burst into tears in the middle of the lobby for all of Levi's colleagues to see.

"Well, I'm done here if you want to go."

"So soon?" Eren asked. "It feels like we only just got here."

"We've been here two hours."

Levi went to get their coats and Eren followed reluctantly, swirling his glass between his fingers like a spinning top. He didn't want to leave. The art show was a strange sanctuary from the real world. The warm light, the odd guests, the bizarre objects scattered about... it made Eren feel less alone in his childish eccentricities. The moment that Eren stepped over the threshold back into the real world, he feared the spell would be broken.

It was.

They made their way into the night, where the cool air washed away Eren's daydreams like a harsh cynic. The cement pathway was lit with wintry fluorescent lanterns. The leather seats in Eren's car squeaked against Levi's leather jacket with garrish realism. Eren drove back to Levi's apartment and left his car in the stinky parkade, after which the two of them took their habitual shower. Eren went through the motions willingly, all the while suffering the pains of an enormous weight in his chest. His heart was heavy as they shared a final glass of wine, made love, and even after Levi whispered, 'I love you,' switching off the light, rolling around and wrapping his arms all around Eren.

Eren couldn't help but think of the green pod, wrapped so tightly in its rusted wire casing. He felt sorry for it, trapped so inexplicably by the dead city in its midst—almost as sorry as he felt for himself. It had never occurred to him that the pod might have actually chosen to be there. Perhaps part of it enjoyed its lonely imprisonment. But if Eren was the pod, what exactly was it that jailed him?

Morning came and the two of them decided to go to the mall. It was a rainy Saturday and the stores were crammed. Levi needed art supplies. Despite all his grumbling it appeared as if the art opening had inspired him. He bought canvas, paints, and stretchers, hurling them into the shopping cart like a madman. Eren suspected he wanted to get out of the cramped store as quickly as possible. Eren paced up and down the aisle, rubbing at the floor with his shoe. His spirits greatly matched the day's meteorological conditions.

The parking lot was grey and dismal. They sprinted to Eren's car and loaded the purchases into the trunk, all the while being pelted with bullet-sized raindrops. By the time they made it to the front seat their clothes were saturated with water. Eren started the car and the windows immediately fogged up with moisture.

"Well..." he began aimlessly. "What do you want to do?"

"You said you started a new fantasy series, didn't you?" Levi paused. "I was thinking, we could stop by your house and pick it up, then spend the afternoon reading and painting—"

"Where?"

"Well, at my apartment," Levi replied, clearly taken aback by Eren's tone.

"I don't know," Eren said, staring at the steering wheel. "I might just want to go home."

"Is something wrong?"

Eren bit his lip, willing the tears away.

"Eren?" Levi asked, reaching over. The moment his hand touched Eren's, the boy burst into tears.

"No, I don't want to fucking spend the afternoon watching you paint while I sit there doing nothing!" Eren spat, pulling his hand away. "If you want to shove me off like that, I'd rather just go home!"

Levi's eyes were as wide as planets. "Wha—?"

"This is all your fault! Before I met you I was fine, but you've ruined everything!"

Eren dissolved into sobs and Levi stared. After a moment, he reached out and touched Eren's knee. "Did I do something to hurt your feelings?"

"No, I'm being stupid," Eren gasped, shaking in his seat. "I'm so sorry, Levi! These days I've been feeling like a useless piece of shit. I don't want to play guitar anymore, I don't want to see my friends, and I see no point in school. All I want..." he paused, catching his breath. "All I want is to be with you. It's horrible. You've consumed my entire life, but it isn't your fault. I should've never let myself fall this deeply in love with you."

"Eren..."

"You can't help me!" Eren blurted. "I don't want your help—or anybody else's. I'm through with being a fucking burden to everyone around me!"

"Eren." Levi reached over and took Eren's face, as he usually did in situations like this. "Why do you think I paint?"

"I dunno..." Eren whimpered, wiping his nose. "Because... it makes you happy?"

"I paint," Levi said softly, "because of you."

Eren fell silent.

"I paint because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to survive you."

"What do you—?"

"I paint so that I don't levy the entirety of my love upon you. I paint so that I don't suffocate you under the weight of who I am."

"But—"

"Trust me," Levi continued with determination. "I have enough love for you to last an eternity. But humans aren't good with eternities. We're mortal, after all."

"I think I could handle it," Eren whispered.

Levi shook his head. "I wouldn't want to risk it."

Eren thought for a minute. Is that what he'd been doing all this time? Irresponsibly lambasting Levi with all of his love, without thinking about the harm it did? Even if it was true, Eren didn't know how to turn things around. Pulling away from Levi felt like pulling away from a black hole. He was so far past the event horizon, he couldn't even remember what it felt like to exist under regular galactic standards. But maybe... just maybe, if he wasn't alone in such a thing...

"What if there were two pods?"

Levi blinked. "What was that?"

"In your painting. What if there were two pods instead of one?"

Levi allowed himself a small smile. "I suppose that would make sense. I painted that image a long time ago, before I knew you."

Eren nodded. Without even knowing it, he'd come to understand something . Love wasn't all fun and games. Love could be a struggle. Love necessitated self-control. Eren could choose to live under the oppression of his love for Levi, or he could choose to temper it, but the latter option necessitated great discipline. Eren admired Levi in this respect. The older man, despite his rough edges, was incredibly wise. Eren wasn't sure if he could match Levi's exact temperance, but he knew he was going to try. At least it would be more palatable to him now, knowing that he wasn't alone in his torment. The love that he and Levi shared was a burden they bore equally.

It was Eren's choice whether he wanted to cultivate its fruits or merely suffer its hardships.

The two of them hardly made it in the door before Levi began stripping off Eren's wet clothes, tossing them carelessly on the kitchen floor, stumbling over a pile of shoes, their mouths entwined, and pressing Eren flush against the wall with his entire body.

"I know you said I couldn't handle it," Eren gasped, writhing slightly as Levi sucked on his fingers, "but I want you to show me."

"Show you what?"

"Show me all of your love, Levi." Eren gave Levi an imploring look. "Just this once. I want to feel it all, right now. Please?"

Levi stared Eren in the eyes with a dark intensity. "You sure?"

"Yes," Eren said softly.

"Well, I..."

Levi carried Eren into the bedroom and threw him on top of the duvet. He ripped off the remainder of the boy's clothing and hurled each piece over his shoulder. Eren was still damp from the rain and he felt the surface of the duvet sticking to his cold skin. Levi reached into the bedside drawer and it wasn't long before the duvet was clinging to Eren's sweat instead.

Levi lay on top of him in the simplest of positions, stomach-to-stomach, stroking Eren's hair back from his forehead and gazing into his eyes. After a time, ever so slowly, Levi began to move in and out, and Eren moaned, amazed at how quickly his body welcomed the sensation. The way Levi moved revealed just how well he knew Eren. He knew all the boy's quirks and sweet spots like the backs of his acrylic-stained hands. He knew them so well that neither of them had to think about it anymore. They merely clung to one another and savoured the feeling, chasing the unity that would be denied them in fullness so long as they lived their mortal lives.

Levi fucked Eren with desperation. He ran his hands over Eren's body, heatedly—the boy's hips, his waist, the side of his head—continually changing his grip, as though he could never quite get enough, as though he were afraid Eren might slip from his grasp if he failed to hold on in the right place. Sweat dripped down Levi's forehead off the tip of his nose, and his breath came in ragged gasps, but still he would not stop. He seemed inexhaustible. Eren had already come twice when he heard Levi moan, his body buckling with pleasure, but even after the orgasm ran him through, he continued to thrust, slower, trembling all over with exhaustion and desire. Eren was amazed to feel the artist growing hard almost immediately.

"This," Levi said, his voice cracking slightly. "This is how much I love you. I love you in a way that never ends and never lets me be. It destroys me. It maddens me. It keeps me alive."

"Levi," Eren breathed, arching his back as his body threatened to give over once again.

"I could fuck you endlessly and it would never be enough," Levi continued, tears beginning to burn in his silver eyes. "I could be with you every waking moment and still miss you. I want you. I want to so badly it hurts."

"Me too," Eren said, beginning to tear up as well. "I feel the same."

"Sometimes I don't know what to do. Then I realize, there's nothing I _can_ do. I just have to keep loving you. There is no choice."

"Oh, Levi," Eren said under his breath.

"I know," Levi said, his voice low and precarious. "I know," he whispered once more, quickening his pace.

The two of them came, one after the next, like two fireworks exploding in the night sky. Eren grabbed Levi and pulled him downwards into an embrace, wrapping his legs around the older man's back. They held each another in the diluted light of the rainy room for what felt like hours, whispering _I love you's_ like mantras. They spent the rest of the day there, dozing off just before sunset.  

When Eren awoke the next day, he felt like he had been reborn. Levi left for work and Eren walked back to his car, gazing at the world around him with newfound fascination. Everything looked so different. The buildings, the streets, even the sky itself; it all seemed to throb with the power of what had happened. It was almost as if their love was a living entity, hovering above the clouds like a preternatural kingdom, shaking the earth with godly thunderbolts. He drove home quickly, eager to see what else had changed.

He picked up his stratocaster and ran his hand over its neck. The strings pressed into the frets pleasingly, begging to be shaped into scales and arpeggios and other intriguing musical devices. Eren obliged, running through the lead line of one of his favourite songs. It felt so great, he plugged into his amp and played for the rest of the afternoon.

He spent the evening journaling. Perhaps, he could get a new band together—one that could play the kind of music that would fit well at an art opening. Maybe he'd get good at jazz and make money playing corporate gigs. There were just so many options. Once he died, he hoped to live in the kingdom that drifted just above the clouds—ecstatic and singular as it was—but until then, he had a life to live.

Finally, the funk that had lingered with him since his illness had blown away. Levi's love streamed through him, not against him, carrying him onwards into the future. Certainly there were bound to be bad times, as surely as there would be good—but Eren was just grateful to know that he wouldn't be alone in either case.

He smiled, picking up his book. The next time Levi asked, he would be more than happy to spend the afternoon reading and painting at each other's sides. Really, it didn't much matter what they did—not when, even when they were apart, they were in many ways together.

 

**_END CHAPTER 10_ **


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